Confessions of a Workaholic

It seems this year is pretty industrious for me. When it started out till May, I thought maybe this was it, and it can't get any busier than that.

I mean working on average 18-22 hours, plus 8 hours of french lessons and 6 hours of lessons, with the rest of my human social life being devoted between term papers, tutorials, marking and friends. I still managed to squeeze in a couple of networking sessions, business meetings and the sort to get my research rolling. I thought that drafting proposals and applications (that are 20 pages long) was going to be the highlight of my year.

Apparently not.

From May to July, I was filled to the brim with field work, a long-planned holiday with my best friend (the only thing I'm not complaining about really) and a quick shuttle back to Singapore for a couple of weeks in August, I'm back to London for a week conference. In between this shuttle, I had to somehow make time for a report writing that was as long as my honours thesis, prepare a presentation for said conference and line up my nights with auditions. Not to mention keeping some time to meet friends for birthday dinners and/or a tryst once in a while. I mean a girl's got to have (safe) fun right?

So before I completely bore you with the rants of why I'm so busy, I do have a point in all this.

I will get busier.

The next half of the year will be filled with rehearsals for a full-fledged play, writing my thesis (yeah it's just couple of 10k, should be fine...not), and organising a inter-university theatre workshop. Of course, that's also inclusive of laying down the creative and technical groundwork for the huge ass March production...

I have learnt that time is really a scarce resources, and I'm now much much MUCH more careful as to where I invest my time in. Recently, I find myself growing impatient with incompetence and obstinate people, as well as latecomers. I also find myself much more discerning as to who I meet, for how long, and for what purpose. I'm not saying that I become a diva and therefore dictate that every follow my schedule, but I'll admit that I'm falling into the trap of being busy and overly-committed such that I don't focus on what I need to do first - which is to write my damn thesis.

Okay, so to take a breather, I think it's equally important to know our limits right? I used to think that because I'm really really used to juggling to many things at once, it's become almost a habit to not say no to new projects. But at the same time, I am mindful to plan my rest times and play times - as well as more importantly, "me" times.

So this is a public apology to everyone, my friends and family, or even potential friends of the future. Please don't assume that I'm too busy to the point that I am unavailable to meet up - because nothing means more to me than your cherished company. In fact, calling me up and out is a reminder that I need to get some time off from whatever I'm doing. As strange as it sounds, please whatsapp me and remind me that I have a social life out there.
____________________________

A lot of people have whispered behind my backs, "Why can't she just take a chill pill and stop doing so many things at once?" 

I am still anxious and worried for my future, and I will always be. In a sense, I'm letting myself "play" as well, by taking up theatre to widen my social circle as well as open myself to other forms of work. I won't apologise for taking up so many commitments  because I know I can juggle and handling more things actually sharpens those management skills. But like all things, there must be a balance, and in this way, I'm also human - and I'm trying.

The Ideal Child - sMothered.

Before I dive into the main issue, I would like to tell the Apple fans out there that the iOS7, while pretty, is also pretty useless. Before you start hurling your overly-priced handsets at me, let it be known that I consider myself a fair critique and use both an iMac and Macbook. Nevertheless, for the phone of choice, Android systems still seem to suit my needs better.

I'm just putting it out there.

But before I lose whatever little readers I dismally earned (and I sincerely thank you for continuing to humour my aimless and wandering thoughts), I shall go right to the heart of the issue.

I have been asking myself if I want children in the future, and if I will be able to bring them up "successfully" in Singapore. Lest I sound creepy to my future dates who might be reading this, I am simply voicing the concerns of a would-be-potentially-fertile mother, amongst many others, who have been clued in on the developments of our small nation-state.

Many young people post-1980s like me, have been taught since the earliest of memories, how Singapore is a small and vulnerable nation with scarce resources. As a result, we have to invest in human capital and have an open economy. Lately, this discourse have shifted to also justify the need for immigration policies (as opposed to increasing productivity), and the strive for a knowledge economy due to the increase in skill level of Singaporeans. There is also a belief that Singaporeans are not "yet ready" to walk alone, and still need the guidance of groups/types of people who "know better" (the government, various agencies and foreign think-tanks). This is a story we are very familiar with and so, you might be asking - what has this got to do with having children?

Be patient with me, as I state another case.

Most debates in newspapers, media, even in universities, concern themselves with the rising costs of living, the mad competition in schools and busy schedules of women as the reason for low birth rates in Singapore. Academics in Singapore like Straughan and Jones have reasoned that the low birth rates in Singapore is due to the conflicting needs of women to be both good at work and at home. In addition, the need to "grow" the perfect child adds pressure on families which further limit the number of children. They also found that lower-income group tend to have more children than those from the middle-income group, and attribute the reason stated earlier. 

I can't help but seem to draw certain parallels here. We live in a society that is obsessed with a survivalist mentality and the way to "survive" is to excel. As a result, would-be parents see their time/money as a kind of resource, scarce and limited - which means they see the need to devote what little they have to maximise the effect. Childrearing has become a national project of efficiency. We put what "little" material, emotional and financial resources into a child (or two), so that this child can someday become the "greatest" s/he can be in the future. We are projects of investment and dividends, and childhood has been reduced to an overly objectified economic output of performance and worth. Furthermore, we put all these demands on them, and assume that this will be good for them in the long run because it was good for us. When these children grow up, they are still seen not quite "grown" because we then lament that they lack the social and emotional capital to deal with the 'real world', so we have all sorts of paranoid programs and mothercoddling attitudes towards young adults. We then moan at the lack of initiative and zest needed for "entrepreneurship" and "effective leadership". It is no wonder that our children feel stressed, overworked and constantly fatigued. They feel like adults at a workplace, pressured to perform to KPIs and hit targets. At least adults get paid, children just get tired. If we assume so much of their lives, can we really blame them later if they no longer find meaning and need to pursue what they want, since they have come to believe that no one will listen anyway? Is it any wonder why young people today are apathetic?

The excessive competition and frustration read in newspapers and such, are symptoms of a larger discursive construction of our "nation-building" project (who is part of this nation? Nation vs Country vs City vs State?). I have no sympathies for parents who vex themselves silly to get their children in good schools, good tuition and good "enrichment" activities. I also do not have sympathies for parents who have children that simply rebel by being completely disinterested in what they are doing, only to have their parents vex/stress even more and in turn send them to even more classes to "build character". These parents outsource their children to external caretakers, like how they outsource manufacturing components in the running of their companies/MNCs. 

On the contrary, I believe we are asking the wrong questions. We should not, and cannot see children as economic gain/loss. We also cannot see family resources as a sort of problem of scarcity. In fact, I would even argue that it is a positive sum game - that is the less you put in, the more the reward. What do I mean? If you stress the child less, if you put in less hours to constantly keep him/her "occupied", the more the child wanders and explores - the more creative/fun-loving and understanding s/he will be. There is a national obsession to want to occupy a child's time all the time, without letting him/her the space to do what they do best as children - ask the darnest questions. 

I do not have the solution, and I do not declare myself as a know-it-all. However, this project of nation building needs to stop, or else, we will all be children in the eyes of those who feel we are still not yet "ready". I am not that pessimistic to say that we are a lost generation, or to be totalising that we have all made a mistake. I guess I'm aiming for a little more empathy and perhaps, a way to reverse the tide is to start to inspire in people, to give them the belief that they have a part to play in whatever they do.

Children is not about how old you are, but how responsible you can be for your own life. Children is a conceptual category of those who feel the overarching desire to "take care" of what is presumed to be the needs of others. That of course includes an infantile attitude of one group towards another. I'll leave it to your imagination what those two groups may be ;)

Being 24

It might be slightly so narcissistic to write about my life, I always find biographies distasteful and shun every opportunity to write/read about people's lives. Yet, after shortly passing my 24th birthday, I find a compelling reason to want to "take stock" of what has happened so far. This is partly because a lot has passed since last year till today, and there is a lot of reflecting to be done.

1) Letting go of baggages

Last year I have started a whirlwind journey of professional and emotional highs/lows. I found a really dynamic job where every hour in the workplace is replaced with uncertainty. It certainly drives my blood pressure higher, wits tighter and patience lesser. I have certainly learnt a lot from my ex-boss and will continue to value the lessons he can provide me. However I have also decided when your work life takes away too much from your loved ones, it's time to walk away from a job who won't walk out on you.

I have also let go of a lot of idealisms - namely finding the perfect romance, the perfect life etc. It's not something that I outright admit that it's going to completely go away, but at least I'm working my way there to let things go slowly. I am fortunate that we didn't lose the friendship between us, despite the tacit difficult decisions you ultimately had to make for the good of everyone. Going to Europe for a month taught me that I cannot run from my ghosts, no matter how far I go - but ultimately that time apart (and consequently, you spending more time with her) helped both of us to start afresh as good friends.

2) Letting the past catch up with me
For a long time, I haven't given myself the chance to grieve over my mother, the lost of her presence in my life - I have had emotional bouts during my birthdays and hers. However what I really needed was to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of others, to really take the time and just be sad. This delayed grief is catching up on me and I have decided to admit that it's affecting my attitudes and behaviour in more ways than one. I need to grieve and I appreciate if you give me the space to do so.

In addition, I feel a constant disconnect with those around me (especially those of the same age). I've been reading forums and articles about people "losing" their mothers at the turn of their lives - namely around the ages 19-21. Such an event is difficult at any life stage, and facing death at that age escalates one's growth and maturity rapidly. It puts us apart from other people and it makes me feel utterly alone. This loneliness therefore drives me to look for partners/dates and that choice is an unhealthy one. I am lucky to not have been in an unhealthy relationship of co-dependency. Perhaps between 20 and 24, being single is a good thing - it was the right thing. Which brings me to my next point…

3) Being kinder to myself
For a long time, I have the strongest desire to be right and that has driven to a lot of bridge burning, unhappiness, distress and unnecessary frustration. An intelligent person is not a person who's always correct, but rather a person who knows when is the right moment to say what to whom. It doesn't matter if it's the truth, as long as your intended purposes is achieved and met. It does seem somewhat hypocritical - but it's not the same. I think it's assessing if the truth is required at this moment, or does the person want to hear something else instead?

I still need more time to tell myself that it's okay to fail, to be wrong, and just learn. Perhaps for a long time, the pressure to be right comes when people look up to you for answers - it's almost an unsaid obligation for me to always have the answers on hand. I have learnt from another good friend, that sometimes people come to you not for answers but for insights. They are not the same things because the former places an end to the question, while the latter opens more doors for query, so that the person does not feel like s/he has to make a forced choice. Freedom comes in the form of having accessible options and perhaps, being vulnerable oneself, can allow others permission to let their ego/pride go, to also start to be kinder on themselves. When we stop being so harsh on being right all the time - we open up a larger repertoire to feel.

______

I have thus decided to try a lot more things this year. One is to get involved in theatre and to finally do what I have always wanted to do - which is direct. I am happily stressed out so far and it's one of the most rewarding experiences to that. I also have decided to go on as many dates as I can. Meeting new people is both an exciting and liberating experience. Ironically, it has helped me heal somewhat - because my social skills are really being tested to the extreme. It has also helped to make me a little bit more forgiving on myself, and if things don't work out, it's really no one's fault but down to the fact that two people are simply incompatible. I have also tried to be more adventurous personally and professionally. Sitting outside of my comfort zone to push boundaries as far as I can. So far it has worked marvellously, and looking back the past 6 months, I really cannot believe how much has paid off.

I still have many problems and challenges, but they are all things I would rather have than not. I am happy and I am healing. For once in 5 years, I feel that at least now my life is leading somewhere.

The grieving starts now - and there shan't be any more excuses to take me away from feeling the loss.

Today a friend told me, that a philosopher once said that living life is like driving a plane on a course, and at the same time, constantly repairing, maintaining and ensuring it stays in flight all the time. I found it a pretty accurate description, and as long as I'm in "motion" and pressing forth, it's already a victory in and of itself. I should always seek to remind myself, something that another of my friend does quite intuitively, that I'm not weird or abnormal. I shouldn't feel bad about my shortcomings because honestly no one really knows what they're doing in the first place. It's worse to lie to ourselves that we know, and suffer the indignation of being wronged which subsequently makes us bitter about our failures.

I do hope, on my 25th birthday, I'll be a more empathetic, humanistic and sensitive individual than I am today.

Politics travels

I've just returned from London and can't safely say I'll be home for the next couple of months. On the way out today, I read the news about the flooding happening on the western side of Singapore, and the Singaporeans who were greatly affected by it. Perhaps it's the weird combination of this and my most recent memories of moving about, I felt the compulsion to write about this sensitive, yet necessary issue.

There's a lot of replies on forums on what I would call, alternative websites that print stories mainstream press would otherwise not, stating how Singaporeans are suffering and how the government is not doing enough etc. Of course there will be defendants of those, who state that Singaporeans need to travel more to know how to be grateful with what they have. They use their varied travelling experiences to validate that our  country really is one of the best.

I halt at this point to first point out a political position, and that is I will support any government who makes a moral and ethical position, one that at least tries to do so.

So knowing where that stands, I tend to disagree that Singaporeans need to (a) travel more, so appreciate their own country more and by appreciation, (b) should learn to accept the comings and goings of the country. Well, the argument could be broken down in two parts as I've already pointed out in (a) and (b).

Firstly with (a): Singaporeans need to travel more to appreciate their own country. That's completely bullshit. In fact I would say it homogenizes what is a very complex phenomenon. People travel for all sorts of purposes and budgets, not to mention company as well. So each person's experience based on their ability to pay will range from being utterly discontented with the frequent lapse in air conditioning in a trans-Europe cosch, or be fed like kings on the roof of the Caesar's Palace. In fact, I would argue that those who travel to visit their relatives overseas mighr consider their lifestyle a better one and become more discontent with their cramped and highly stressful lifestyle. In my own experience, modern amenities are convenient in Singapore, but often a vibe of larger cities seems lacking. Simply put, Singapore is just like any other big cities, it's only fun if you have the money. However, it's perfectly fine for a city to cater to the rich, after spaces of living are as varied as the people themselves. What's morally wrong with Singapore, is the increasing empahsis to shape the city FOR the rich and for those with spending power. The poor, are unfortunately, being displaced and this poses a moral problem for any city. Yet, Singapore is also a country, with the poor as deserving born cities who keep the underbelly of the econony growing as well, so who should merit their effort?

As for (b): by being appreciative, we should accept what we have. Well, I think appreciation used here, is the same as gratification. It's hardly the same. For me, appreciation of one's hard work, is more work. Singaporeans are well travelled and they KNOW the kind of standards that are achievable. As such, they cannot accept floods that keep happening because we should have the resources and expertise to solve such problem. If not, at least, we should have the knowledge of informing citizens about the inherent nature of a changing geology, or simply admit that this is a problem of over urbanization.

Perhaps I have been unforgiving to the camp that posed this argument. However it's disturbed me long enough that I have to say something. It goes to the opposite camp as well, who make sweeping statements of comparisons between countries to state their case that Singapore government is inferior because other governments have successfully achieved what we could not. A deeper probe into every governmental policy and praxis will reveal that each locality has a unique set of conditions that allow for them to forge AND implement such policies. That takes years of research and "insider knowledge", so perhaps we should also moderate what we say lest it undermines the entire message we want to transpose to others. I am in complete agreement that we can do better, but perhaps part of policy is also failure and success is nothing without sufficient trial and error. Perhaps what I've learnt while moving about, is to be more forgiving to people who have tried their best and still fail due to conditions beyond their control. What we need to address are those conditions that allow/disallow things to happen, and who or what policies that made them possible to exist in the first place.

Furthermore, a government, like any other organization is hugely diverse. Tell me, would u blame the CEO if the subcontracted janitor isn't cleaning the toilet well? Perhaps not. But we will hold the CFO accountable for credit fraud from a director he is directly in charge of. When we point fingers, I hope, we do so with utmost care and introspection. Oh...and make sure it's also going in the right direction, or politicians can very well use a smokescreen to have us pointing in another direction THEY want us to point, instead of holding those who need to be accountable. Don't be a scapegoat, and definitely don't be manipulated into making someone one.

Off to London

I've been missing out on writing ever since returning to Singapore. There's been a whirlwind of activity, with presentations, reading, auditions and finally getting production going for Period Play.

So now I'm off to London for an annual  conference organised by the Royal Geographical Society - Institute of British Geographers. It's a really long and cumbersome name honestly. Having said, these people really respect choice and individual will because I get to select a "no beef option" amongst HUNDREDS as a catering choice. I feel like telling the organisers to explore the Singaporean way of doing things aka. BUFFET self-service style and their admin work will be halved. I think those folks will wet themselves.

So I'm waiting to leave on this ghastly 0645 flight to KL before waiting for another 2hours to Heathrow. I pray to the immigration and baggage Gods that all will be well. Also, that it doesn't rain too much.

I shall just leave my short post to my  faithful 2year old Senheiser for being so hardy and tolerant with my rough use and abuse. I forgive you for abandoning me days before my flight. May you rest in peace, you deserve it. Let's hope your successor doesn't disappoint.

(I'm in a mood, sleeping for less than 4hours after a long arduous week is making Claudia slightly kooky)

Frank Confessions

I consider myself an independent woman - one who has her shit together and pays her bills on time, has a savings plan and own life. I have trekked through difficult emotional terrains and conquered pain that will make the best of us crumble. Before this self-description becomes a narcissistic activity, there is a point as to why I'm setting the "scene" for this post.

We often assume that people who have their life together, are necessarily happy. However recently there is also an ever growing emptiness over my life amidst my "achievements". This emptiness is not the melodramatic sort, it does not arrive with big clashes of cymbals over ringing trumpets. It creeps up unto me like a drought, and a haze that doesn't seem to stop shrouding over my psyche. There is a schism between what I have, and how I feel inside. I am immensely grateful and fortunate, to do well in my career. I can even say I'm trying to repair past friendships. With all the fullness and goodness in my life, the great void is created because I have not been able to share my happiness with someone.

I suppose I want someone to be proud of me, and my father, despite his questions on my career (it's difficult to explain what I do to him sometimes), is definitely a person who beams at his daughter. Yet on the other hand, I want someone to understand what I do, and be proud of me for that. I guess I'm seeking for approval. This infantile wish, is something we all share. Yet it's not the best of reasons to want to share your life with someone, because it'd end up like boasting - almost like a puppy looking for belly rubs by its master.

I think the emptiness is quickly bottoming out because it is also a sign of pride. It's a proclamation, "I am this awesome person, why does no one love me?" However, like a good friend told me, you don't need to be a great person, you only need to be a person good enough for the one who loves you. I suppose a life in Singapore, the competition has instilled a sense of inadequacy. The survivalist-mentality can drive me to continually think that I'm not good enough. Is it a driver of my success in my career? Recently, and reluctantly, I have some to contend with such questions. I think it is, and it has come to the tipping point that I have to re-evaluate how work-life-love are approached. I have this void in the first place, because my motivation for working hard, was to win approval from other people. It's not a feeling that is unfamiliar to the best of us.

So is there a need to shift and reconcile these feelings of insecurity? What makes us deserving to be loved and to love in return? However those questions objectify ourselves, as things that have worth. However liking someone does should not be transactional, nor be based upon a person's worth/impressive resume. We don't need an interview to be a friend/lover. Whilst disappointments and misunderstandings do happen, but they speak towards an incompatibility of character (it's interesting to note in french, that sentir can be used in the context of friendship, and literally translates I don't feel well with the person.) Therefore it is not our outward achievements that make us who we are, but our sentir, senses, and chemistry with the other person. So this void I've been feeling, to want to share my full life with someone, imposes an unfair burden on that person. It almost calls for someone to judge me, to "interview" and see if I'm "worthy" of his affections. Why did I feel this way? I suppose a simple explanation is because that's the only mode of assessment that I've been good at, or have always known. Writing this now explicitly, my dear reader you might possibly think that this is pretty obvious stuff. However, these feelings manifests in many different ways and some are subtle. It should be so ironic that dating and meeting new people should trigger these uncomfortable but necessary introspections. Now that I've transcended into another field of strategies, I find these no longer work, and it forces me to look into myself - and of course it's always hard to start looking at ourselves. So some of us project that uneasiness, externalise the blame unto other people. "He's not good enough for me", "He's just a jerk?" or "He's just not clicking with me well." Maybe the barriers to our own happiness, are ourselves?

What makes me love and be loved? I don't have the answers, however I do feel that at least now, I'm finally on track to ask the right questions. 

Happiness, Wealth and Rants

It was a conversation over bratwurst under the stars in a suburban garden that struck me how susceptible happiness is. I am not going to write about the simple pleasures of sitting in a porch drinking rose wine, while talking to elders about live, experience and love. Rather, I would rather talk about a particular comment observed by my conversation partners.

They were sharing their experiences in Latin America about their observations on how happy those people living in the slums were. They felt that these slum dwellers despite having very little, had an outlook and attitude in life seems to overshadow their poverty. Of course that drew the comparison back to Singapore, and the paradox of being one of the most wealthy country, we are also one of the most dissatisfied and undemocratic.

Let's put cynicism aside, to say that these slum dwellers were really happy, and not simply a reviews of a tourist romanticising the landscape. Let's look at this issue purely in a conceptual way (of course, some might argue that practical experience makes all the difference, but if you'd just indulge me a little longer).

In Singapore, we often unquestioningly relate wealth to happiness. I was reading up on forum posts on netizens' dissatisfaction with the influx of Singaporeans, as well as the issue of PR having almost the same benefits as citizens. The issue often revolve around material benefits, and I do not deny that they have material implications. However the issue also goes much deeper, that the passport we hold, is a sense of pride and identity, and as a collective, we are afraid of "losing" face to others who do not hold the same passport, but are able to enjoy the same benefits. Some might even argue, that not being a citizen is better than being one, since there is mandatory CPF and NS. However, does the problem go much deeper? Of course, if not why should I be writing?

I think some writers are right in pointing out that it is not about money, or NS, or CPF...after all, Singaporeans have been proud of these things for so long. My father still feels that NS is something that every Singaporean men should go through and in the past, no one spoke of NS as a chore, as much as it is duty to country and people. However, today, it is cast in the worst of light and while I do not deny that it will have economic implications on Singaporean men, the question lies is why are those negative implications highlighted only now?

So what exactly are we unhappy about? Why are the symptoms to the larger problem? Are we even asking the right questions?

I don't think the question lies with how much money. Clearing away the melodrama, while we have unequal income distribution, it is also true that most Singaporeans can actually cope with their living standards. My guess is that Singaporeans feel that they no longer are able to close the gap between aspirations and lived realities. It is either they have been oversold expectations - the "Singaporean dream" if you will - or that reality has finally caught up that these ever-increasing expectations will never be fulfilled if you also don't have ever-deepening pockets. My point is hence, that progress and prosperity (those two words in our pledge) have stalled, and they have stalled long enough for people to feel anxious. In academia, we have a word for it. It's called Anomie. It's what Durkheim calls the disjuncture of aspirations with the real competence of the individual. Instead of the individual, it is now society - or more specifically, Singaporeans who continue to hold on to the dream. We continually strive for the 5Cs, materialist goals that we believe will make us happy. However, not all things are store-bought, and certainly money can only bring so much pleasure.

What is it that makes us happy? Well, personally for me, the reason why the Latin Americans my conversational partners saw were happy, because they were happy to be in a perceived much-better place. They remain hopeful and while I'm sure they know that extreme riches exist out there, their social status is so low, they have nothing to lose anymore but to go way up. When we middle-classes are wrought with the fate that we can no longer move except for a few statistical anormalies, we become frustrated and rant our displeasure. I understand and I empathize with the ever increasing standard of living with stagnant wages, I also comprehend the dismal fact that our government's changes can sometimes be too little too late. I also face the worries of my future, that I may not be as productive and cheap as a foreign "talent". These are all very valid concerns. However, my point is also for us to step outside the box and think. If we were to subscribe to this rat race of wealth, we will forever be playing the game by their rules. I choose to believe, and have strong faith, that there is an alternative path of making a living, to find something else that makes me happy besides slogging for months to save on that Gucci bag.

There is nothing wrong have aspirations, but I personally think there is a problem when those you thought will make you happy, no longer does - and instead brings you pain and frustration. What makes you happy today? Hold on to it, cherish it...because the moment will never return, and that to me is more precious than any GST voucher.