tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29966670630458718412024-03-13T15:02:15.400-07:00PenopticonCombining both the passion about people ("Anthro" - meaning people) and writing ("graphy" - meaning to write), this space hopes to spur thinking, introspection and hopefully - action.
I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing.musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.comBlogger120125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-65722100956046289272021-10-21T06:04:00.002-07:002021-10-21T06:04:36.193-07:00Ruminations on today<p>Today was quite an emotionally draining day off the back of what would have been a great meeting. Content and direction-wise, there wasn't any thing major that needed addressing and the work was pretty much 75% the way there. However, sometimes when targeted, the 25% can be the most painful to work on especially when the comments about the work feels somewhat invalidating of the hard work that you've put in so far.</p><p>Factually, the discussion went about like so:</p><p>My colleague and I were working on a document that highlights the constraints we face in the region when we want to create a better digital experience on the web. My colleague dived into the details while I will provide the wrapper and context around how best to present this data to the leadership. </p><p>What started out as a web constraints document for just the global web team, quickly became a document for senior leadership and we had to quickly pivot the narrative. As I was the most experienced on the team to do that, I took ownership of narrative-crafting while my colleague worked on the evidence. </p><p>The work was done well into the night at the 11th hour (quite literally until 11pm the previous day) and while hardwork doesn't necessarily equate to quality and performance, I was quite chuffed about what was on the report and how I manage to highlight how APAC couldn't align to the global corporate strategy because of the difficulties we face. At the back of my mind, these issues have been raised on a few occasions and there's nothing new that senior leaders didn't already know. </p><p>So when my boss asked what is the aim of this document, who should receive it and what do we hope to achieve at the end of it, I answered with the idea that the senior leadership needs to know the challenges we're facing and how they don't align to the corporate strategy that she has laid out because of the multitude of technical challenges.</p><p>I was caught by surprise when the approach that my boss wanted, was to frame "challenges" as "opportunities" and potentially change the narrative on its head and he felt that my language was too strongly worded. </p><p>For example, </p><p><span id="docs-internal-guid-ae6579e1-7fff-b6bc-386a-4b91526e0edc"></span></p><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;"><table style="border-collapse: collapse; border: none;"><colgroup><col width="313"></col><col width="311"></col></colgroup><tbody><tr style="height: 0pt;"><td style="background-color: red; border-bottom: solid #000000 1pt; border-left: solid #000000 1pt; border-right: solid #000000 1pt; border-top: solid #000000 1pt; overflow-wrap: break-word; overflow: hidden; padding: 5pt 5pt 5pt 5pt; vertical-align: top;"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-family: "Red Hat Display", sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><u>Global shared web strategy</u></span></p></td><td style="background-color: red; border-bottom: solid #000000 1pt; border-left: solid #000000 1pt; border-right: solid #000000 1pt; border-top: solid #000000 1pt; overflow-wrap: break-word; overflow: hidden; padding: 5pt 5pt 5pt 5pt; vertical-align: top;"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-family: "Red Hat Display", sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><u>APAC’s challenge</u></span></p></td></tr><tr style="height: 0pt;"><td style="background-color: #f3f3f3; border-bottom: solid #000000 1pt; border-left: solid #000000 1pt; border-right: solid #000000 1pt; border-top: solid #000000 1pt; overflow-wrap: break-word; overflow: hidden; padding: 5pt 5pt 5pt 5pt; vertical-align: top;"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Red Hat Display',sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">Connects us and our work to build web experiences that align to portfolio and corporate strategies</span></p></td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1pt; border-left: solid #000000 1pt; border-right: solid #000000 1pt; border-top: solid #000000 1pt; overflow-wrap: break-word; overflow: hidden; padding: 5pt 5pt 5pt 5pt; vertical-align: top;"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Red Hat Display',sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">APAC cannot connect to portfolio and corporate strategies because there is no international web strategy that brings regions to parity in terms of language, depth of content and user experience.</span></p></td></tr><tr style="height: 0pt;"><td style="background-color: #f3f3f3; border-bottom: solid #000000 1pt; border-left: solid #000000 1pt; border-right: solid #000000 1pt; border-top: solid #000000 1pt; overflow-wrap: break-word; overflow: hidden; padding: 5pt 5pt 5pt 5pt; vertical-align: top;"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Red Hat Display',sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">Reverses legacy trends that contribute to sprawl and waste</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Red Hat Display',sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span></p></td><td style="border-bottom: solid #000000 1pt; border-left: solid #000000 1pt; border-right: solid #000000 1pt; border-top: solid #000000 1pt; overflow-wrap: break-word; overflow: hidden; padding: 5pt 5pt 5pt 5pt; vertical-align: top;"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: 'Red Hat Display',sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">Our CMS, website system and sprawl of content is making regions harder to catch up and localise, creating dead-ends and tech debt which disrupts the user experience.</span></p></td></tr></tbody></table><br /></div><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;">While factual, I've been asked to rephrase the narrative to ensure that people won't be put on the defensive and that they're failing (verbatim from my boss). I am perfectly fine to phrase things in a politically sensitive way, and I've tried my best to already par down and not make the document into a "rant". The feedback was basically to not have us potentially land in minefields with other stakeholders that might cut us from working with them in the future.</div><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;"><br /></div><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;">I don't disagree with my boss and I think a lot of these could have been avoided if he told us from the start how he wanted to position the team in front of leadership from the get-go, rather than tell us post-production and then have us rectify the work.</div><span><a name='more'></a></span><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;"><br /></div><h4 style="margin-left: 0pt; text-align: left;">What affected me most</h4><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;"><br /></div><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;">The biggest thing that made me extremely sore, was when he went on to espouse that in his learnings with senior leadership is to continually build relationships and not burn bridges because we all ultimately have to work together. This was made in reference to how we shouldn't show people up and put them on the backfoot.</div><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;"><br /></div><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;">The first thought that came to my mind was: "isn't that what we all set out to do? Who starts their career thinking about burning bridges?" and immediately, the following thought popped into my mind, "are you suggesting that I've been on a war path and burning bridges for the sake of pushing APAC's agenda?"</div><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;"><br /></div><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;">I've always seen myself as a champion of my region and to promote APAC's interests to a NA audience is not always the easiest and in fact, I go out of my way to explain why and how things are sometimes culturally different. However, a bridge must be built from both ends and it's extremely difficult to meet in the middle when the person doesn't want to even start laying bricks from their end, or that they don't think that bridge is worthwhile building to begin with.</div><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;"><br /></div><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;">While we don't expect everyone to become chummy with us, but it's affecting me emotionally to be told that we need to build bridges and ultimately it contradicts my experience on the ground. On one hand, it's easy to say we need to build relationships. I'd admit that I took it personally because it feels disappointing to be reminded again that you're "not good enough" and perhaps that was not the intention, but it did felt like I didn't do enough to build these bridges with the global corporate team.</div><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;"><br /></div><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;">Perhaps what I'd need to do first, is to have that clarity that my boss didn't mean to say that I <b>haven't</b> been building bridges. I think the trigger is less about the work, but about the comment that my efforts haven't been recognised. I've tried to make connections wherever I am, but not everyone is forthcoming and there's a limit to what I can do with so many hours a day. Furthermore, not all of us have gone through the learnings/training that he had, and it's hard to connect downwards beyond the lessons when in reality, the rest of us are just trying to get work done. Fundamental customer experiences such as just being able to add a language filter is denied to us because global priorities have overtaken regional requests.</div><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;"><br /></div><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;">Of course not every request is important, but if after 3 years of saying the same things, it can feel like we're writing this report for the sake of it and going through the motions again year after year with no concrete plans/outcomes. It can also feel invalidating when people may not think your ideas are important enough and you start to question if you're in the right job to begin with. Even when you show up good examples of how a site should be from bigger players such as Microsoft and Adobe, you're not given due recognition for trying to tell people that the way we're doing things is no longer sustainable.</div><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;"><br /></div><div align="left" dir="ltr" style="margin-left: 0pt;">These all feel extremely disappointing and de-energizing. There may be meetings, but is it really listening when there's no follow up action?</div>musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-35120967260544222502021-09-22T05:57:00.000-07:002021-09-22T05:57:08.249-07:00Musings on leadership #1: What's the difference between ruling and reigning?<p>I'll just dive right into it and really cut back on the self-help language here. I profess that I'm not a great reader of self-help books, and given how I've devoted 4 years of my graduate life in the post-war social theorists, I've become a great skeptic of them. </p><p>I'm not skeptical of leadership, and neither am I denouncing self-help books as unhelpful. Their sales numbers certain speak for themselves, and modern thought leaders like Simon Sinek have certain created a new projection of leadership that're both brutally frank and inviting at the same time. </p><p>Across my encounters with leadership ideas across my own professional training at work, or simply just talking to my mentors, I've always mused at how similar political science relates to what business leaders espouse in leadership. Many discussions, or indeed even disputes have been had about how should people be lead. Semantically, what's the difference between being to rule, as opposed to reign?</p><p>I think the distinction is important because the starting point of "why should this matter, I just want to be a good leader and get promoted" needs to be addressed. </p><p><b>Why look at the distinction of Rule vs Reign?</b></p><p>I think most people's actions can be boiled down to their inherent assumptions about people. When a terrible boss micromanagers, the assumption is that no one can do the job better than them. Or that they have a deep-seated anxiety about the way the team is heading towards to. People micro-manage when they perceive they are losing control. Similarly, if we start our discussion about leadership styles with a simple question, "do you think humans are smart enough to take care of themselves", very quickly we'd know where you stand on these matters. Many leadership books now lead with the assumption that employees are self-aware and therefore, as effective managers/leaders, we need to empower them. </p><p>However, is it really so simple? Have we thrown the baby out with the bathwater by swinging out too far the other way?</p><p>So let's look at the arguments of both sides, that humans should be ruled because they're incapable of taking care of themselves vs humans can be reigned as we're all competent sources of ideas.</p><p><b>To Rule or not to Rule: that's the question</b></p><p>Plato's argument for Rule consists of a simple philosophical question. If we want to sail out to sea and reach our destination reasonably safely, do we want a capable captain or have the ship vote based on who we think is best and potentially end up with a populist vote that have no specialised knowledge about seafaring. The problem and to simplify the discussion here, is that it assumes that a leader is a specialist, who governs others with similar areas of work and decides based on his/her expert opinion, what the best course of action would be. That "job" can be running a country, or leading a sales team. </p><p>However, lessons in business have taught us that specialists who are good at their jobs, may not be good leadership role models and some, if promoted to be people managers, can run the ship to ground. Yet, this idea of a singular authority is still appealing to us, because it allows us to move quickly and in times of crisis, become the clarion call to rally people around a north-star and for better or worse, been able to send people to die in the course of their vision. I am of course referring to the dictators in history, from Alexander the Great, to Hitler and even Stalin. </p><p>Loki's statement from the Avengers' movie have always struck a chord because in modern leadership discourse, it's almost we have this notion that people never want to be ruled and be told what to do. I find myself on some occasion, almost prefer to be told what to do because it means someone else is taking the responsibility for the repercussions of my actions.</p><p>Well, that and also I get to snigger when things don't turn out right, but I digress.</p><p>I think given the circumstances of today's multi-faceted complex economies, the speed of information have surpassed our ability to retain, absorb and consolidate. The traditional notion of "rulers" where the person has monopoly over the information is over. However it's not that rulers are no longer important. The idea here is that rulers make firm authoritative decisions based on a person's singular perspective. S/he can gather information from the team and still have that collaborative brainstorm process, but to chart out that vision singularly is sometimes a welcomed respite from the white noise that happens today.</p><p><b>If not, what does it mean to reign?</b></p><p>The second flip-side of the coin, therefore is that people should be reigned, not ruled. Reign is traditionally associated with the time period of which a king/queen occupies the throne, and while it usually assumes that the monarch's authority to also rule comes along with his/her occupation of the throne, it's not always the case in the 21st century. There're many monarchs in the world that no longer rule due to many historical reasons but continue to reign over a country. </p><p>This idea, if I must confess, is especially crucial because it implies that while you occupy a position of authority, your choice in the exercise of powers is balanced and in some cases, even counteracted by others. For example, the current monarchy in the UK have veto powers over every law passed but rarely does so as it will upset the populum and lead to UK becoming a republic. It's what wiped the French and Russian monarchy out of existence. The idea that a position based on laws of succession does not always have the best leaders. </p><p>Reigning is like a captain who still needs to bring people to the destination, but instead of steering the ship himself, gets everyone to learn about navigation and then crowd-source ideas to get the best chart for the journey. Arguably, we'd all be 60 by then.</p><p>I've had first-hand experience where the leader reigns and becomes a facilitator of the discussion, becoming the referee and ensuring everyone's opinions are noted and heard. It was a circuitous route and eventually the solution to the problem was a weak compromise between the strongest voice in the group and the second strongest voice in the group. While that's an exception and highly anecdotal, I am quite sure that we all have this experience when the leadership simply cannot or will not make a decision unless all the powers are balanced. Great effective leaders who reign through the art of rhetoric and pointed questions, can sometimes invisibly steer the discussion in a certain direction and the group suddenly finds themselves reaching a conclusion they didn't start out with. I've also seen such leaders at work and continue to be flummoxed at how elegantly it was all done to great results.</p><p>Yet, the assumptions behind reigning is simple: people want to have a say in everything that they do, and to remain the umpire, we have to balance each moving puzzle piece very carefully without dropping anything. It's important to also add, that it is also assumed that everyone has <i>value</i> to add to the discussion/project. I don't know about you, but if you've ever been in a groupwork in school, you know full well that some people are free riders and burdens to the rest. Watch any parliamentary debates and some MPs will say shit just to make things more spicy without having real contributions to the policy-making process. So while it's certainly a great idea that leaders should reign, we have to also be ready to accept that the group that s/he is reigning over, understand the power they wield and therefore wield it responsibly. It also assumes that people will come together and work only towards that one common goal. However, attend enough quarterly business review meetings or "off-sites" and you'll quickly understand that there's a shadow agenda beneath the official one.</p><p><b>So now what?</b></p><p>This casual examination of the 2 types of leadership is not about weighing the pros and cons of each but to peel back on the onion a bit more on our assumptions about people when we ask someone to lead in a certain manner. Many business books have very useful guidance on how to be a great leader by giving clear direction, being a friendly mentor and all that goodness, all good leaders can either be rulers or reigners. What should the assumption matter? As an employee, I often find team clashes happen when they work for a boss who is a "ruler" when the person might actually be more of a "reigner". The contrary applies for frustrated team mates who just want their bosses to make a snap decision, but end up having to sit through endless meetings to get consensus.</p><p>Reality is, we often have to work with the two, and I'd go so far to argue, the shades in between as well. It's probably a reminder to myself as I'm writing this, to also reconsider that while I'm more rule-leaning, there is value in learning from people who reign. I find myself diluting my position a bit more to allow more participation and inviting people and potentially not missing out on valuable insights. </p><p>This is more than a conclusion of adopting the middle ground. I find myself buttressing in the "ruler" camp a bit more, as that's just how I've seen the world and while it can change, my fundamental belief is that a clear direction and firm hand is needed in this increasingly chaotic world. Of course that will invite debate from people who don't necessarily share my views. However, I can see the value of reigning and some might even argue what can you do both depending on the circumstances? </p><p>I think the key is just simply to be flexible. To be firm when you have to, and to be lassez-faire when the situation benefits from a brainstorm in a safe environment. It must be disappointing to reach to this part of the article and have the takeaway be: do both!</p><p>However, I hope at least you have come away with a much more acute sensibility of the types of assumptions people hold about what their leaders are, who they want their leaders to be, and then be that character for them even though you may not naturally wear that skin. Like a great director once told me, the only person who is still acting even after the rehearsal has ended, is the director because he has to go above and beyond the story, and manage the creative process of the actors. Nothing can be further of the truth when we're in the position of leadership, that the faces of Janus, if we embrace duality not as opposable thumbs but a beautiful abstract concept, we can become much better followers/leaders ourselves.</p>musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-60546185842270789422020-06-21T07:28:00.001-07:002020-06-21T07:28:11.456-07:00To all those that matter in my life<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There's a sense of writing that I miss where there's a burning purpose at the bottom of my belly, that intrinsic drive that powers my fingers through the keyboard and words simply just flow. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've missed writing and there's been a lot of happenings in the world that I have an opinion on, but haven't found the energy, focus or simply <i>words</i> to put them down. Writing can be so incredibly important because it shapes how we think, and the cloud of thoughts and disparate notions coalesce into tangible expressions which reads back to us even stronger. Notions and thoughts are fleeting but penned down, they become strong reminders of our values, beliefs and morals. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This Covid pandemic has perhaps changed me in more ways that I care to admit. I've gone through isolation, and consider myself lucky to still retain my job and do well at work. I've lost my mother, due to complications of pneumonia due to being a vegetative patient as a result of a stroke. I intend to write and express my feelings about the whole episode, to once again, retreat into the confines of my journal so that I can pour my thoughts - the good, bad and the ugly - into a safe space where only I know.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I promise to start writing again, regardless on how insignificant the episodes of my life may be, and how life - the very gift of existence - deserves to be contemplated upon and this is my moment of solitude for reflection. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There's been quite a few things I want to admit to myself, and this feels like another period of change in my life. I'm grappling how to deal with difficult conversations at work, on balancing my own needs with those of my partner. I tread with trepidation, whether my life has taken a turn where getting married and having children may not be something I want right now. With the world now opened up to me, I feel that my life has just started and the possibilities around what I can do, and the places I can go, now lay before me. It's the same feeling of fear and fascination where I now simultaneously worry about the path least taken, and falling into the road well trodden. Settling down with someone feels comfortable and "nice" - the simple things they say, where you get to enjoy the life of being with someone who understands you. While opening up the world of possibilities seem to be something I've always wanted, to travel and work in different places where culture is the very material for my study. I'm therefore torn into two, with one option seductively overtaking the other. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yet some part of me knows that the life of "working overseas" is something I would not always welcome. The loneliness generated by the void of twilight due to time zones, coupled with the superficiality of acquaintances cannot replace the deep connections back home with people whom you've known for a decade. If anything I've learn, digital communications cannot replace face to face companionship. Simply being in the same space means you can spontaneously plan events and those become unwitting routines that weave into our lives. It forms a certain rhythm to the composition of our lives that we don't immediately acknowledge but painfully feel when it's ripped out of our life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We take locality for granted, that moving away simple means a shift in location - but it means so much more. With Covid and air travel being more difficult that it used to be, I shudder to imagine what would have happened if I'm needed back home but could not be there in person due to airport shut downs and the like. The emotional regret I'll face, is something I may not be able to rest easily. I think about being there for my mother in her last moments of her life, and immediately notions of the world-weary traveller went away. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Life is ultimately the people you affect and touch in your life, and family is the people who are there at your last moments holding your hand while you leave this world. Ambition and opportunity will always be present, but the people whom I care about, may not always be here forever. It's those moments that I cherish and the connections in life that made me who I am. I hold on to them dearly.</span>musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-84094601999295056942019-12-23T03:01:00.000-08:002019-12-23T03:01:32.335-08:00Are we living in a toxic environment?Recently, I find myself scrolling endlessly at Instagram, and every other format of social media there is to binge on my friend's lives. Their travel stories, funny occurrences and baby pictures (yeah, I'm around that demographic), made me feel like my story was lame. I'm naturally competitive and suddenly I find the urge to really want to make people react to my stories and photos.<br />
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Back then when we had static photo albums and texts were 140 characters long, the need to express our subjectivities manifested only once a year during family gatherings to compare and contrast.<br />
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"Oh wow, your son has gotten a scholarship?"<br /><br />
"Look at my granddaughter, isn't she adorable!"<br />
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"What are you up to in your career these days?"<br />
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The speed of information made me sick, and yet compelling. I feel ever so distant from my best friend, whom while I met on a weekly basis, felt ever further in our communication because you "can always check on my instagram". I put my hands up and say, I sometimes say the same too.<br />
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This growing resentment and competitiveness makes me feel like I need to be the best or I'm not good enough for the rest. When they say, no one really compares, do they mean what they say, or are they only saying it to put you off.<br />
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We've been obsessed with keeping up with the myth behind the meaning that I find myself deeply entrenched in this negative cycle of jealousy, resentment, bitterness and resignation/victory,<br />
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It's gotten to a point where it affects my personal relationships. I always have to be better than others, I must have the last say. If my friends don't take my advice, they're probably ignorant and are bound to fail. I think my sense of humility have degraded to such a degree, that I'm really suffocating on this lonely mountain of pride where only I reside. This superiority complex, fuelled by social media, is what's making me write this reflection.<br />
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So what do I believe? What is the meaning behind the myth of the self that I project?<br />
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1. I really believe that there's one Truth, one Way of doing things that are right.<br />
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This belief, inculcated by my education in finding the right answers, where I find myself turning back to the answer key at the back of assessment books, haven't really left me.<br />
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While I intellectually know that there is no one way of doing things, in my heart, I've wished that people followed or heeded my advice. It's good to be perceptive so much that people kind of take your advice and things turn out well. Similarly, do I want to be responsible for when they take my advice and then things turn out disastrously? Do I want to be responsible for big decision they make in their lives and have them come to haunt me later when it didn't turn out as expected?<br />
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Perhaps not, so while there might be a <i>probable</i><b style="font-style: italic;"> </b>way of doing things, that has a higher percentage of success, it's not healthy to insist unless I want the responsibility that comes along with it.<br />
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God knows I've had too many of those already.<br />
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I've missed improvisation and having fun. I used to do a lot of that playing piano growing up and I still have records and memories of those times when my friends and I just had fun at the instrument,<br />
<br />I need to recover some of that joy and letting go of the fixation of doing things the right way is the first step.<br />
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2. I feel guilty when I get treated well (although less so today than before). I feel bitter when others are treated better than me.<br />
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This boils down to self-love, and I recognised this fact thanks to my best friend a while ago. I'm grateful that this has been WIP and after a year, I've started to at least notice the signs when my insecurities and self-love depletes, catching myself before I start to wallow in self-pity.<br />
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Nevertheless, I do have a few hoops to jump and part of that learning is to give and receive without feeling self-entitled, while also not feeling extremely guilty about it.<br />
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I think tilting the balance too far to one side will make people think I'm just being a bitch, while apologise constantly or thanking people constantly, will make others feel that I have low self-worth.<br />
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Regardless of the end-state, which in this case may be none, I do need to ensure that I have sufficient self-awareness to catch myself when I'm in such a state. I'm worthy of the love that people show me, and simultaneously, feeling eternally grateful for their company and good nature fun. In this regard, I'll make a promise to myself that I'll thank people more, and show my appreciation for those who have made me who I am today.<br />
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<br />musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-89148441221756778142018-12-02T04:50:00.001-08:002018-12-02T04:56:07.064-08:00The privilege of having words<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Terry Border: Bent Objects </i></span></div>
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You'd imagine that the word is something we all have, in this day and age of widespread literacy.<br />
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Our curriculum expects it from us. It is a foundation we have to master before we can build our castles of knowledge on top of it. I suppose I've always surrounded myself with people who have splendid handling of the written and spoken word - in all languages that they are proficient in.<br />
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I've pursued art and music like a new language. The grammar become brushstrokes and mediums, the vocabulary in motifs and keys. However, like any new language, it doesn't just change the way you sound and write on paper, it restructures your thinking. Anthropologists and social linguistics have spilled ink extensively on the subject. However, we don't understand the practical implications for someone who doesn't think in the written word. We are tourists in the minds of those who do not hold ideas and thoughts the same way we do.<br />
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We look at a painting or listen to a piece of impenetrable music and ask what is the artist/musician trying to tell us? They might as well come from another planet and speak to us in Martian.<br />
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Side note, do watch The Arrival if you haven't caught it, about how language changes how we conceive time and space.<br />
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What is the point of writing all of this?<br />
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I believe we need to expand our appreciation of other individuals who think differently from us. Like linguists, we should embrace the system of other formats of "languages" that may not immediately be immediately apparent to us.<br />
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As someone who has taken the written word for granted, I've recently met someone who have taught me to be patient that the written word may not always be immediately available to them. It's like asking me to run 46km, when I've barely ran 4.6km in my life. Compassion for those who think differently from me. To learn to express myself in more ways than just text, or to understand someone's intention from a hug or through their doodles.<br />
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I've gained a new found appreciation for ways of expression - the spaces in between words. The pauses in between phrases. <b>Communication</b> is beyond just what we say, but how we say it. It is sculptural and spatial, it is the foreshortening in a painting to give the illusion of depth in a two dimensional painting. Words draw images in our mind, but our minds have always imagined before we had the words to express them. Previously in my work as a teacher, I've always thought that students who did not have the words to express their ideas, was a product of the lack in our education system. However, recently I'm considering that perhaps the real lack in our education system is the deficiency in our imagination to conceive beyond the written word.<br />
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As a result, for those who do not think the same way, face profound difficulties in how they interact with others. If we do not insist that someone from Japan speaks fluent English, then we similarly cannot insist that someone communicates with us on our terms. I believe communication can happen in more than one dimension and we must embrace all of them to have a more understanding and sympathetic society. It's like watching the world in black and white transfer into a field of high-definition virtual reality. It becomes much more interesting and much more exciting to live in.<br />
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Lest our understanding be stunted, I'm re-imagining how we approach the ways we communicate with someone.<br />
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Sometimes, a big hug echoes in the heart louder than any word.<br />
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<br />musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-12122010619001891562018-10-19T21:14:00.004-07:002018-10-19T21:23:46.850-07:00The kanchiong spider speaks: Learning to be patientPeople who know me, know that I'm quite an antsy spider - I get things done, and I want it done now. It is partly what makes me a results-producing person who is loved by bosses and sometimes hated by co-workers (spoil market).<br />
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I have this tick within me that I need to scratch and if I don't scratch it, it needs to be externalised in sometimes very unhealthy ways. I will either be passive aggressive, or be slow burning, or just have a bad attitude. I will scoff and brush away things and make judgement that it is a waste of my time and write off the person/project forever.<br />
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My ex-bosses have told me that I run at a million miles and while I can cope with many things on my plate, I need to slow down for others to catch up.<br />
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So let them catch up they say.<br />
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Yet, this incredibly feeling of being a pariah, of being absolutely lonely in my pedestal of being hyper-efficient and effective, is not a way to live. It alienates when I should be collaborating. As someone who really communicates well - I lack the patience to spend more time with myself to reflect.<br />
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I guess it's a level of intellectual superiority - that because I can, I should. However true power is the ability to withhold the very same power. In Javanese/Balinese shadow puppetry - or what is called "Wayang" - the monsters are often portrayed in a wild and uncontrollable manner while the hero is someone who is almost refined and unassuming but in complete control of the situation.<br />
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I think I need to learn how to be patient with others. My anxiety to fix things - people, problems and situations - drives unnecessary pressure in both my persona life and the workplace. I'm not talking about being stressed, but rather giving undue stress to others. I don't give others the benefit of the doubt enough, I don't find out what the hold-up might be, and I am not forgiving of weakness.<br />
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There are self-defined signs of a person's weakness and I judge too quickly because of it. Just because I can understand many things easily, doesn't mean that I understand everything that life has thrown at me. I need to give others a chance to be allowed their point of view - they may not necessarily tell me - but they'll demonstrate it in their actions <i>in due time</i>.<br />
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I think this stems from a deep-seated fear of failure. That somehow, if things don't get fixed, or completed, I have therefore showed that I'm a fraud, and someone who is not as cool or smart as I am said to be. Impatience of this nature - to get everything right the first time - is going to be the ruin of many things. It has cost me both time and money as well as relationships in the past and friends who are brave enough who have called me out on it reigned me back temporarily.<br />
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There is no well-defined timetable or project Gantt chart of when things must happen in life. Everything happens in its own time and place - and sometimes it's the marrying up of the perfect circumstances often than not, that makes things happen.<br />
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As much as I accuse control-freaks of being disruptive, being impatient is also equally destructive. I think these recent months have really taught me many things both in my personal and professional life. In a big organisation - things happen in their own time. In my personal relationships - things have to be allowed to happen/breathe so that both parties respect each others' standards for themselves. It's a small step but I have to calm the fuck down starting today.<br />
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Ohmmmm....<br />
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<br />musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-2286488806238860752018-09-30T17:32:00.001-07:002018-09-30T17:42:07.201-07:00Flirting: an apology to all men<p dir="ltr">I've been back to the dating scene recently with a clean mind. Now at 29, I think dating holds a very different meaning, and the dynamics have humbled me.</p>
<p dir="ltr">It prompted this self-reflection, and while they say admission is the first step to self-improvement, I also want to capsulate this as a reminder-to-future-self.</p>
<p dir="ltr">After being in a largely unhappy relationship for 2 years - with little intimacy and emotional/intellectual engagement - I felt starved. Attention was empty and kisses were hollow throughout my previous relationship. My mistake, that I needed to be more honest with myself in the past. As much as I encourage my friends to leave unhappy relationships, I did not hold such courage myself until fate intervened on my behalf because I was too afraid. Strangely it took for someone to cheat to gain back my self-confidence. That, and champagne with a very-exceptional Macallan shot offered by a good friend.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I think that emotional and physical deficiency pushed me to almost flirt outrageously, it's a cry for help, a sign that I didn't recognise until very recently. It wasn't that I needed the guys to flirt back with me, what I needed was a wake up call. It doesn't help that YouTube videos on "50 ways to flirt with a guy" catalysed and almost made it permissible. I forgot, being a cultural geographer, local traditions apply to what were US-centric discourses. In any case, it could have been a disaster if not for a very strong wake up call yesterday. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I am human and I failed. But like any other, we need to move on from our failures and learn how to fail better. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Essentially it got me thinking about flirting - so much discourse on flirting is around "getting the guy". I am starting to toy with the idea that perhaps flirting - being the definition, </p>
<p dir="ltr">"behave as though sexually attracted to someone, but <i>playfully</i><i> rather than with serious intentions</i>." <i>- </i></p>
<p dir="ltr">I can come across as being disingenious - especially in the early stages of getting to know someone because I make promises I may not be able keep. What does it say about my character, as a person? I think being able to show your sexual side is okay - in fact I almost encourage it within women because we are brought up to fear our bodies (whole thesis on this somewhere in my dropbox). So taking a step back, looking at my throw-away comments, is antithesis to my values and beliefs and does not reflect the person I truly am. Perhaps those that respond to my flirts, are also equally disingenious and superficial and I fear that history repeats itself. We reap what we sow.</p>
<p dir="ltr">We should not abandon flirting altogether - I still find that extremely endearing and fun - but to use it at the opportune time when a sexy playful comment can be followed up with actual promises of things to come. It is this complex layering of being in a serious committment coupled with keeping things light to make life slightly more interesting. </p>
<p dir="ltr">At 29, the dating experience has changed. Perhaps it's time to cast aside my old skin and be more mature. After all, the very act of insanity is doing something over and over again but expecting a different outcome isn't it? So ultimately, if I want a partner in life with a certain character, I should therefore exhibit those myself. </p>
<p dir="ltr">For reservations: my witty double-entendres and puns for that special someone ;) </p>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-5257550681796549572018-02-12T15:21:00.001-08:002018-02-26T00:30:32.301-08:00Do you dislike reading?<p dir="ltr">Apologies for this long hiatus, life has been crazy since July last year and my mind hasn't had time to unwind and simply process what is around me.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Recently, I've been informed by my manager that I need to slow down my pace of work - lest everyone is unable to catch up and is panting for their breath. I ran too fast, and because of that, people often resort to just asking me the "are we there yet questions" since I am already ahead, instead of taking in what's happening around them.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Communication is key, and the key of mine may not fit the lock of someone, and I began to turn to my fount of wisdom on how to cope with this situation - philosophy. I turned to Machiavelli, and then Foucault to (re-)understand on a fundamental level, how I need to shift my perspective. I start to wander in my thoughts, how do people seek answers or formulate and ask pressing questions that act like sign posts?</p>
<p dir="ltr">My go-to friends are books, textual and visual understandings and conversations with dead authors or artists. When I recommend books to people to the questions they seek, I thought it might invoke a different perspective that may bring them some measure of peace, they give me the oddest look. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Granted that reading is often a privilege that is bound to social class and economic wealth, furthermore profoundly and dense texts is pretty much scholar-ivory tower type stuff. However people I speak to fundamentally hate reading - my boyfriend included. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I think this distaste comes from eating steamed broccolo at a very young age and forever hating that vegetable. It was how books were introduced to our lives. The meaning they gave to our formative years that have some people absolutely hating it, and others like me who can dive into it for hours. For some, books present themselves as pain and long arduous boring lessons and the 40page bound pieces of paper is a very visceral and subconscious reminder of that. It may even perhaps be a symbol of one's failure to cope with the educational system, especially individuals who have not benefitted from the institutions they were in. That is perhaps why some people prefer TED videos and podcasts for their personal development as those were mediums of enjoyment and given that learning was just a happy by-product of this. I have friends who read for pleasure but not for development, and we have JK Rowling and Roald Dahl to thank for making reading so much better for all of us. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I was told by teachers that once you have mastered a subject, the only way to get better at it was to teach it to others. Depending on dispositions, those ones being fed information can feel handicapped, or feel empowered. We should be careful how carelessly disseminating or communicating certain ideas from an unequal axis of informational power can ironically make someone even more impotent. It is the chick that never leaves the nest, the larvae that refuses to discard its cocoon. There are benefits in taking hours to finish a book when a video can summarise everything in 15minutes. It is efficient but not effective. It is the same comparison when you listen to a speech vs having a offstage conversation with the speaker afterwards. The latter takes longer, because your mind is processing ideas and thoughts while the former is a passive exercise. I promise that you will feel more empowered when you engage the author as you read rather than having it dished to you in very little time that we don't have time to react or even think it through before agreeing. Books are an imprint of a person's ideas and thoughts at any one point in their life, so what we  have are timeless conversations with people who have lived before us. In some ways, relevant or not, they remain immortal to us</p>
<p dir="ltr">Seek to challenge the boundaries of your mind, one way or another at any level. To move faster in life, we sometimes have to hit the pause button and enter into this literary limbo to recalibrate. Lest we spend time wandering the forests when sometimes taking a few moments to check the GPS can in turn take us where we want in a shorter time. </p>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-62712352498711986212017-07-27T17:31:00.001-07:002017-07-27T17:31:25.211-07:00Ownership and individualism<p dir="ltr">I figured Michelle Chong's article really hit a nerve with people on the internet who either fall into the "we lost our sense of pride in our work because" and "yah lor...these days people are..."</p>
<p dir="ltr">Have we lost our way?</p>
<p dir="ltr">We look toward the very earnest service staff in Japan, and admire how warm service is in other countries. We envy German engineering when they devote their entire lives to their trade, and see how the Nordics take their democracy very seriously. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Yet as we admire, we don't band together and do something and change our current predicament. Some might argue it's the nanny state, or the history of the government not listening to its people. We may even go so far to say we have been denied rights. All these gives us a sense of weariness that no matter how much we fight, we can never escape the gilded cage of a perceived wayang political system amidst the forest of bopian citizenry. A veneer covers our eyes, we become focused on ourselves - the big I, Me, Myself takes over. We turn to consumerism, entertainment, gossip and mindless play to distract from the sad reality that beyond the Pleasure Machine, we have very little control over our lives. Working hard insofar as it rewards our pockets and wardrobes, as long as the customer pays we don't really need to care what he/she does afterwards. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It's sad, and my personal dystopia, where people have blinkers to high that they don't realise that we are all suffering together, inspite of our selfishness, and equal powelessness against the forces of fate and state. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I think we need to step aside from the humdrum and really consider the legacy we want to leave behind. Whatever that goes out in your name, are you going to make a difference in someone's life? Will my proposal make someone's life easier, will this email or memo sent make someone smile or generate further discussions that can mutually reinforcing. It does not mean that you be "nice and polite" all the time, but people resonate with you when you care a lot about how your contributions affect others. It can be a role as a parent, sibling, friend or otherwise. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Artists inherently feel this, because the trade is performative in nature, the strive for perfection drives artists to put their best foot forward towards the light all the time. I think we should all think like artists, and treat your boardroom like an audience. We have that sense of responsibility to whoever we interact with, that we owe it to everyone's limited time and attention, to put our best work forward. You can be broke, hungry, frustrated, you can even feel a little selfish today. We all err from time to time - yet I pray we never become individualistic. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It might sound idealistic, but the Singapore I love is the hardworking hawker who is proud about his signature carrot cake, the plumber who comes in eager to solve the problem in your toilet despite his inexperience, or the MacDonald staff sneaks a couple more curry sauce for the ravenous secondary school kid with chicken nuggets for lunch. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I hope we retain the sense if responsibility towards one another, and despite the macro and micro challenges, we put aside our selfish interests, realise we are all suffering and invest a little enpathy for people other than your paycheck. </p>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-53258826067069141242017-07-11T17:25:00.001-07:002017-07-11T17:25:53.597-07:00The embarassment of regret<p dir="ltr">It's graduation season, and everyone's cheering that they made it, parents heaving huge sighs of relief that their money hadn't gone to waste and proud professors on stage nodding politely to the next generation of learned with the flame of education passed on. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It might seem the most inappropriate time to discuss....regret?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Yet 5 years (has it been THAT LONG?!) since I wore my first mortarboard, I sat in the audience of robed graduates asking myself, was this all a huge mistake?</p>
<p dir="ltr">This post is not to discuss the things "I would have done differently" nor a romantic reminisce of better times back in the day that I'd wish I'd done differently. This is rather, a post to discuss the embarassment of voicing one's regret.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I have a close friend tell me, that s/he regretted taking geography because s/he felt that history was his/her real passion. I have another friend tell me, I regret going to NUS even, when their hopes and dreams were in a technical college in Germany. Of course, life presents us with crossroads and decisions, often made with partial information available to us. We lool back in regret and we feel embarassed to talk about that. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I think that's not healthy. It invokes self-blame, sometimes justified, many times not. Not that by avoiding self-blame is a measure to encourage arrogance beyond belief. However, it is the simple acknowledgement to one's limits. </p>
<p dir="ltr">While some of us regret signing to a bond, to be working in a profession we otherwise realised we're not suited for, we can either blame ourselves for being "weak" and taking the easier comfortable route, or take this as a learning curve to finally understand that there is nothing to be afraid out there in the world and that opportunities will come to you if you're open to them. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Consequences of self-blame is to take on something you regret doing, and then doing it all over again in a different place because of the reluctance to learn and step our of your boundaries. Over time, it manifests into divulgment of blame - everyone sucks - rather than a reflection and reinforcement that old habits yield the same result. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Having the moral courage to shed embarasment and admit to yourself (in secret, in a cellar, whatever), you were wrong by choice or by circumstance, and find another way out of this maze, is the first step of taking back control and mature as a person. I don't personally think it is wrong to regret because re-gret is also re-flection. I try to be encouraging or stern in pushing those that come to me voicing their regret, in the direction that empowers their life rather than feed the monster of self-blame. I try not to judge, being human and all, and it is important that we start recognising regret as not a dirty secret, but one that we should openly come to terms with. </p>
<p dir="ltr">As we celebrate the start of a new journey, be it marriage, career or education, regret and reflect while you wait on the aisle or in the auditorium and as you step up on the stage or platform, or look through your photographs, ask yourself, "what is my biggest regret, how can I <b>choose differently</b> moving forward?"</p>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-88220019433507485862017-06-29T17:14:00.001-07:002017-06-29T17:14:31.612-07:00<p dir="ltr">Most movies or drama spit this question in spite, often when a character turns brutally on his or her team. </p>
<p dir="ltr">What kind of person are you?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Brings to fore the age-old conversations of what being human means, discussed at length by sages, philosophers and coffee-shop revolutionists. I don't wish to rehash their treatise, but to focus on the more mundane everyday. </p>
<p dir="ltr">No one can tell us the formula of what makes a "good" person, it after all very much depends on the time and place of what is socially accepted behaviour. As Michiavelli would argue, a Prince need not have genuine altruism, simply display when suitable for his people that will further strengthen his agenda. Christians would argue that God judges all hearts. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Yet, the kind of person we want to be, the very question doesn't surface in our lives as often as it should. Regardless of your moral compass, to choose is to give life meaning. Some people seek meaning in religion, with the path of good being laid out clearly (sometimes too clearly IMHO) and they then choose to follow that path. Walking in the valley of shadows of indecisiveness makes life torment, and in addition, makes us easily autumn leaves in the wind, rather than the oak in the forest. The feeling of being lost, meaningless-ness and living day-to-day in purgatory, makes the hardship that comes with having to fight for what you believe a thousand fold more unbearable. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I'd rather fight for the person I believe I should be </p>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-63277294537113710922017-06-19T02:39:00.001-07:002017-06-22T06:21:53.681-07:00The politics of friendship?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Friendships are expensive, assuming you give a damn, it takes up energy, patience, and an emotional reserve within us. For some reason, losing a friendship feels like losing on a good investment, and we become even more cautious who we give our time and sympathies to. </div>
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Friendships are also financial extras; going to that gym class and that cafe requires an expense. We exchange money to spend time with our friends. </div>
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Unfortunately, not all friendships are reciprocal. You may spend hours listening to someone's rants about their work and life, and in turn not be invited for their wedding. We start to wonder, are friendships transactional, political, and some what Machiavellian as well?</div>
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Derrida posits that friendships are political, and he first suggests that no relationship is devoid of politics, and true altruism is the realm of God. A "political friendship" immediately brings to mind an economic and emotional transaction. The term "politics" come <a href="http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=politics">from Greek</a> - the state of government, or the science of the affairs of the state. Derrida, in his paradoxical fashion of writing, refers to the breaking down of friendships in the political realm, that "O my friends, there is no friend.", only common interests - a belief held in international realism in foreign affairs today. </div>
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What of personal friends? Modern social science writers study friendships as "political" in the personal realm. On the macro, we have study of networks and friendships as class-propagating, we are more likely to make friends within our class circles. On the micro, feminists study how friendships in the LGBTQ community form support and reliance, how foreign expat women form friendship alliances in foreign lands. They are political, because like a gift-economy, "feelings" are exchanged for interests. The very reason why we feel betrayed, or disappointed when a friend doesn't give us the Return of Investment we expect from them. </div>
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Does this mean there is no humanity in it all? I don't think so. Just because some thing is exchanged in a gift economy, means that it is cold and economic. The affecting qualities of friendships, how one feels about this exchange, if sincere and out of care for the other, is what sustains this gift-economy. In politics, "friendships" refer to strategic alliances, but even so within the corridors of power, affectation kinship forms. </div>
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What makes 2 individuals "click"? It might be common interests, or simple sharing a similar worldview. Yet, friendships based on similarities alone is the sketch work to the full oil painting. The inexplicable <i>quality</i> of friendship transcend power relations, exchange and even gifts. The word we are searching for is sincerity and commitment - much is based on choice. You choose to invest time in this person, not expecting that an individual will betray you. You choose to spend resources to help a friend in need, not considering your return of investment. However as ties become thicker, the strain of giving one-sided takes a toll only when the other person is insincere, cynical and selfish. A gift economy breaks down when it becomes less reciprocal - it can be unequal in material goods or services but if each gives what they can most afford, it is the thought and sentiment that is exchanged rather than the physical thing itself.</div>
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That's why some people, especially of the older generation, argue that money buys you friends but not affection. It hints towards an <i>unequal exchange of sincerity,</i> the best one can give within the circumstances they are in. To withhold any or everything is the very thing that politicised friendships, breaks a return to investment. It iteratively regresses.</div>
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Friendships, the ones I recognise, are not political, they are mutually enriching, beneficial and self-reinforcing. Any time this precarious state choose to cease, and when individual ambitions and self-interests come to play, it stops becoming a gift-economy, and transforms into a transaction of interests. My heart goes to those who give because they expect something in return - acceptance, belonging, recognition, to prove their worth - and those who endless take - to hurt before they get hurt, to fill an endless greed. </div>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-45189346715010376242017-05-29T04:02:00.001-07:002017-05-29T04:02:27.803-07:00Lessons from the people I hated<p dir="ltr">We all have beef with someone, it ranges from frenemies to arch-rivals. It is easier to get supporters for those we hate, dislike and fun to mock someone, than to relinquish one's hedonistic pleasure in seeing the other suffer.</p>
<p dir="ltr">From exes, to ex-friends, the people we encounter all have valuable lessons to offer. I am not referring to the usual rhetoric "s/he taught me so much about myself, how I can be the bigger person" type of revelations. Those are reflexive exercises. What about actual lessons? Those nuggets of words that were spoken by someone less than desirable but nevertheless we have to admit to be true. Direct lessons from the very person we love to hate. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I have a few, and I'll be happy to start the ball rolling and admit that I have come to appreciate the wisdom of those we do not like. </p>
<p dir="ltr">1. My ex-boyfriend<br>
Our very first argument was over a person's work aptitude. I was an idealistic academic who believed that everyone deserved a shot an employment, citing post-colonial and post-structuralist discourses. My ex is the exact opposite - a potent realist who works in recruitment. He meets and interviews more people in a week than I do in 2 years in my research. </p>
<p dir="ltr">His conclusion is that some people in certain buckets can do it, and others don't. The line is drawn clearly between the has and has-beens. </p>
<p dir="ltr">At that time, I found that idea preposterous, almost infringing upon the very definition of access to equal employment. Yet, having been to the workplace for a couple of years now, I can fully appreciate where he was coming from. The wool over my eyes revealed both my ignorance and arrogance. I was viewing the individual through the lenses of my privilege - a privilege provided by having access to better education than most people. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Not everyone is cut out to do the jobs they think they can do. Not everyone enjoys the successes of entering the labour market. Like what Haresh Sharma illustrated in his play, "those who can't, teach" - not all students can be saved and some will fall by the wayside. It is a sad fact that is the outcome of many structural and individual factors outside of our control.</p>
<p dir="ltr">2. My secondary school ex-friends</p>
<p dir="ltr">There was a period of my teenage years, during O'levels, that I had no friends (except 1 or 2) because my own group abandoned me for an obscure reason (I pissed them off apparently). </p>
<p dir="ltr">Back then, the deepest moment of my teenage life, I felt like no one accepted who I truly am, and it was a fight or flight moment. I tried to adapt and readjust my worldviews, to see how most people see things. Eventually, I gained EQ and social-awareness. </p>
<p dir="ltr">However the direct lesson I learnt was actually from one of those confrontations I had when one of them said, "you make people feel stupid, and you make them feel like it's their fault. Yes, we are not as smart as you, but so what?" Little did I know that my criticism of their work and other personal stuff made others feel inferior. It is an obvious point on hindsight. Of course repeatedly pointing out someone's mistakes is going to give you backlash. However, the younger me didn't have this experience because I've been too preoccupied with what I think is right - that correcting each other and improving is what we do as friends. It never occurred to me that well-meaning words can become cruel cold reminders of a person's own insecurity. Not everyone is equally accepting of personal criticism. I was fortunate to learn this lesson at 16, and 12 years later, I still remind myself to be fair in my comments, even when others have made serious mistakes.</p>
<p dir="ltr">3. My if-you-know-you-know people</p>
<p dir="ltr">After my mum fell to her stroke, the worst part was my family's inability to grieve properly because this group of individuals were "busy" with their own grief that as the survivors of this traumatic incident, we had to drop everything to accede to their demands. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Ultimately, I have never bore so much disappointment in a group of adults. Being 19, I grow up, hitting your early-adult years, hunger for wisdom and guidance as I navigate an increasingly murky world, made more messy because no 19 year-old has to face her mother in coma. You never expect the people whom you'd assume all along to be there for you, to be the very people who let you down.</p>
<p dir="ltr">This is perhaps the only incident that also has a reflexive angle - I learnt that we cannot rely on anyone. If they are there to help me, then I'd be pleasantly surprised but I don't <i>expect </i>it from anyone. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Having said, I've learnt directly from this, how not to treat your own parents. Seeing the ways some people shuttle their own parents off to take advantage of a family tragedy, is both remorseful and distasteful. It is a small fortune that we turned out okay and I am forever grateful. </p>
<p dir="ltr">4. My ex-manager</p>
<p dir="ltr">A lot could be said about this ex-manager. I personally don't dislike her as a person, and there were meaner bosses whom I've learnt nothing from. However, despite her short temper and sometimes frayed instructions, I can honestly say that her lessons in working smarter has certainly paid off. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I have learnt much excel shortcuts, how to report data efficiently, as well as more effective communications. While I don't agree with her supervising style, I can see value in her work. While I have gone on to learn even more from others, but she was the one who truly gave me the toolbox an underskilled-and-over-educated grad student sorely needed. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I think the same can be said for many circumstances, and some people might call me a moderate. However, I think if we spend so much time ensuring the person we beat down never stands up, we lose an opportunity to learn something valuable that in turn strengthens our position. Assuming your goal is not driven by hedonism, and that your goals all along is in service of a purpose other than your ego, then it is sometimes necessary to take a step back and learn from the <i>other</i>, whatever the discourse, positivist or post-structuralist, right-wing or left-wing...</p>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-86477918596874467162017-03-23T17:43:00.001-07:002017-03-23T17:43:21.015-07:00Toxic people: How now brow cow?<p dir="ltr">I think there are plenty of articles that have covered toxic people at the workplace, written by professionals who have way more experience and exposure than I. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I'll take a stab at this not because I want to add to the merriment of advice that's already out there, but to draw analogies between personal lives and working environments that overlap and remind my future (and your) self when times seem bad. </p>
<p dir="ltr">My first encounter with a toxic environment was when I've just graduated from JC and took a temp job at Woodlands industrial park as a sales admin assistant. 3 months felt like 3 years and I wanted to quit every day but my mother insisted I stayed on. My mum has always been about tough love but on some sadistic scale, it made my bullshit for nonsense a lot higher (which was her goal anyway). It was later, when my organisational behaviour lecturer introduced this idea of a "toxic work environment" that I started to have a frame around the experiences I was feeling. </p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>Toxic bosses</b><br>
There are tons of literature about dealing with bosses that take score. Bosses that are unreasonable and unsympathetic. Bosses that seem not to care, or give appreciation to what you are doing. Bosses that are bossy, passive aggressive, or worse, vindictive. Plenty of people's push factors are often their immediate supervisor. For those head-strong subordinates, they leave their jobs in self-preservation. Others resemble women (and men) in emotionally and physically abusive relationships. The individuals internalise the discourse and abuse hurled at them. After a while, you believe that you're not good enough, and that no other employer out there would want you because you're "so lousy". The worst cases are when these abused employees that never leave and start the abuse themselves when they stay long enough to be promoted. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Workplace abuse is a boo-boo topic at any HR office and an uncomfortable situation to be in. I often have a 3 month-rule. If the employer continues to attack your work quality personally, have enough self-love to leave and start fresh in mind with another employer.</p>
<p dir="ltr">("you are a graduate and you can't even handle simple admin"..."I don't want to see your face, you annoy me."...or nonverbals like neglect with old shoulders when confronted with an urgent request)</p>
<p dir="ltr">Victims of abuse tend to follow a path dependency especially when over time, this type of partner is all they know how to love. So sometimes it helps to have a critixal checklist of questions to uncomfortably ask your prospective employer so as to protect yourself. It helps to voice out your experiences with workplace abuse. It's not a sign of weakness and any prospective employer who thinks that way will probably not be suitable for you. Voice it in a way that empowers (I refuse to be treated with no dignity, did you know he said...) rather than come across as a complaint (she gave me too much work, I had to work until 2am) because the latter doesn't show that you know what you're doing. So, if you list down the reasons for leaving in a list and many of them sound like petty complaints, you know perhaps you should revist your working style instead. </p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>Toxic colleagues</b><br>
I have 2 personal beliefs. One, never work with friends, and second, never mix work with the personal. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It's one thing to invite your colleagues to a wedding or party, but another to reveal personable traits such as your person judgement on certain issues (or worse, even other colleagues as that would just be gossiping). It's okay to share general views and another to express something like, "I think BDSM is cool and everyone should try it." I never cross the blood-brain barrier of work life and personal life.</p>
<p dir="ltr">For one, what happens if you DO gossip about others, what makes you think they won't turn on you? Perhaps your follow-up thought would be, they'd gossip about me anyway, why shouldn't I join in to ensure I don't keep tabs on them?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Come on lah, if people really want to speak badly about you, you wouldn't know it and even if you do - what do you intend to do? Follow up and confront them about it? Then whole thing falls apart and you're stuck with 0 "friends" and 0 trust from those around you; and have to walk away licking your wounds.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Keep your record clean, above board, partake not in the toxicity of this high school gossip shit, and just shrug away comments that come your way that are meant to fish for a response. Make it about work all the time; joke about work and maybe Trump, but never sink into the quicksand of unhealthy finger pointing and judgement. Toxic colleagues will want lure you into their world, like a band of druggies and their gossip is veil false security, an addiction, that makes you feel that you're in-the-know. I'd rather have no "friends" at work, than companions like these. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Ultimately, in time, toxic cliques and groupies will drive away good colleagues and what is left is a pile of bones that will eventually be discarded. I've seen it happen twice now, and favouritism will be the downfall of any management or business. By the time it happens, I'll be frolicking with some dolphins off the Australian coast.</p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>Toxic clients</b><br>
I find that Singapore generally have this "maid-mentality". What do I mean by this?</p>
<p dir="ltr">They think that just because they pay someone, they own and get to dictate when domestic helpers shit, eat and sleep. They expect them to go "beyond their jobscope" to also help you clean their backside. Some clients do this all the time - this unhealthy relationship is what drives many account servicing people out of their jobs and into a mental institution. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It wears any person down. One drink, two, and suddenly you're saddled with a health problem brought about by the many recesses of "the pressures in life".</p>
<p dir="ltr">Recite this: I do not deserve to suffer for the pains of others.</p>
<p dir="ltr">And walk away. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Simple as that, anger and malice requires a dance partner, let the chilling hurtful words slide from your back, don't ever let the water enter and fuel that deep dark place of doubt and insecurity. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Fuck it, fuck off, fuck them. Politely of course.</p>
<p dir="ltr">If people with money (money that isn't even theirs) cannot learn to be proper human beings, then they can jollywell learn. If the good stay silent, the evil will win. Hasn't the holocaust or any genocide taught us enough already?</p>
<p dir="ltr">It is not about war, it is to take an active role in making the world a better place by taking small steps. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Eventually, as long as any toxic client makes it personal, when you're losing sleep not because you can't bring in the deliverables for them but because they spite your very being, it's time to grow a backbone and escalate the matter. I have hope that decent bosses will see the issue as a negation to good business, and I have seen senior management manoeuvre such behaviour to their advantage by going to <i>their </i>bosses to ask for their people to tone down or else. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It's all about power, and not every client is powerful, and not every account servicing is a slave. Look at your organisation, the annual revenue, the major source of funds that pays your salary, and decide for yourself if you have to be subjected to this abuse. For the middling people like ourselves, escalate whatever issues and let the bigger players pull their agenda. You don't have to suffer or bitch about it. </p>
<p dir="ltr">In any case, the best way to neutralise any toxic, is a reagent. An alkali neutralises an acid, bonds untangle into harmless components of water and gas. Similarly, individual components are innocent in itself, but under the right conditions react together to cause harm. Adding water, or a dilution, only brings down the concentration but does not its latent potency. Don't feed toxicity by avoidance or feigned ignorance. Tackle it, subvert it, even if you are the smallest fish in the pond, in your own way, in your own style. </p>
<p dir="ltr">To all the lies, deceit and hidden insecurities - I'd say, sunlight is the best disinfectant. </p>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-64991755570556013382017-03-13T17:37:00.001-07:002017-03-19T17:30:41.790-07:00Comfort zone: the ins and outs<p dir="ltr">My last entry, I wrote about being more forgiving with ourselves, to look into the paradoxical nature of our desires. It may seem counter productive that I write about the thirst for constant improvements.</p>
<p dir="ltr">About the same time as my last post, I had a deep chat with a good friend about the unlikeliness of our careers. We both didn't take the obvious route into teaching, civil service or similar functions given the long run of pattern in our department. We both consciously looked for external experiences, and now that we've left school for a couple of years, sort of discussed why. </p>
<p dir="ltr">"I was getting boxed in and comfortable, I had to get out."</p>
<p dir="ltr">I am not saying that teaching, civil service and jobs associated with these are boring, or part of an unchanging times. Indeed many of my classmates have travelled for work more often than I do, and the jobs they do are certainly meaningful and interesting. </p>
<p dir="ltr">For me personally, it was something so familar (almost my whole family is in the civil service), to learn anything new <i>quickly, </i>the easiest was to try new things. </p>
<p dir="ltr">...</p>
<p dir="ltr">Comfort, the home you return to after a long day, the warm shower that welcomes you into its embrace, the familiar smell of your sofa as you sink deeper into slumber. </p>
<p dir="ltr">...</p>
<p dir="ltr">I think zones of comfort are necessary to keep us sane, we all need a "break" and time to recoup ourselves. Doing familiar work might be the easiest way to remain productive and earn a living. Yet, once you are ready, a metamorphosis must begin, the butterfly must leave its cuccoon and like the eaglets that were forced out of its nest by their mother to fly or die, we need a kick off the cliff once in a while. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I think consequently on the other end, people relish in forever being challenged, and that becomes the only thing they know. They run too fast, forget that people behind need to catch up with you. They sprint for the finish line and are already eyeing the next race before the one they are on are over. This never-ending line of doing and challenging means a new equilibrium is created, the comfort zone becomes one that is in constant motion. The challenge is not the pursuit of growth, but to grow by understanding and come to terms with oneself in peace, solitude and recollection. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Regardless of your personal circumstances, as much as it is important to step out of the box, for some others, it's necessary to also return to it and take stock of your medals and legacy. </p>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-43784992719390666292017-03-02T16:56:00.001-08:002017-03-02T17:00:34.501-08:00Constant dissatisfaction<p dir="ltr">I wrote a term paper for Sociology of Food module, a literature review and analysis of obesity in "western" contexts, the obsession of body image and our relationship with food. </p>
<p dir="ltr">The conclusions after my review were still striking today as it were 4 years ago. </p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>Paradox and being unfulfilled</b></p>
<p dir="ltr">The TL;DR version is this:</p>
<p dir="ltr">We have always obsessed over what we cannot have. In recent times, the abundance of food, the proliferation of multiple cuisines crossing borders and the sheer existence of choice in our modern day supermarkets, we choose to constrain ourselves. The woman or man who is fat, becomes a symbol of a lack of self control and ill-disciplined. All traits that are seen as negative and undesirable in the capitalist economy. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Ultimately, my point here is not to highlight that being fat has no real health concerns and dangers. It is to highlight the normative - the judgement if you will - of society on fat people. </p>
<p dir="ltr">In times of uncertain food supply, being plump is a sign of wealth and fortune across many cultures. Force feeding before marriages, getting fat on purpose just so that you "fit in" etc.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Using our relationship with food, I'm highlighting the paradoxical tendencies on our personal selves, and by extention the zeitgeist of our societies. </p>
<p dir="ltr">We want order when there's chaos, and anarchy when there's too much control. We want love when we're in lust, but fear commitment when we have given promises. We are unhappy when we are surrounded by fortunate circumstances, yet also think that earth is a living hell during times of war. We go under the knife to look beautiful, and yet scorn a beautiful (artificial) of being plastic and fake. </p>
<p dir="ltr">We are very unfulfilled creatures, and I am starting to wonder if we sometimes conflate "settling" with this insatiable appetite for perfection. The more we have, the more we crave. Is this why the Siddharttha became the Buddha? </p>
<p dir="ltr">We need to not be so hard on ourselves.</p>
<p dir="ltr">We live in one of the most peaceful times, and yet face the gravest issues pertaining to politics, economics and nature. Cynicism was always present in society, but never at such a scornful level that it is today. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I think history lessons and critical thinking caps are double edged knives. As much as we criticise, we also need to be more critical - including our critique of ourselves (I'm not good enough) and others (what a loser). We need to turn our critique on its own head and introspect that our internal dialogues are just that. I feel that we need to start from the stance that we are wrong until proven right. We must not fall into the trap of confirmation bias. Just because 5 people say you're lousy, doesn't mean you're entirely lousy. The 6th person around the street might dispel that confirmation bias and that is enough to tell yourself that you're not <i>wholly shitty.</i> You might be, granted, have areas of improvement but you are not a total loser. </p>
<p dir="ltr">We shape the way we see things, and thereafter, the choices we make. Which translates into the actions we take that defines the world. </p>
<p dir="ltr">You are enough =)</p>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-51167353821667244982017-02-21T16:45:00.001-08:002017-02-21T16:56:45.143-08:00Project management/Juggling: Self-taught lessons<p dir="ltr">Apologies for the long hiatus, and certainly I've been meaning to write more regularly, including my epic 2 week Australia drive from Sydney to Adelaide. There's been a multitude of changes, including on the family front, that required my attention first.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Side note, I've been also trying to find something to write about. January and December has honestly been quite quiet months, that there just haven't been. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So yesterday, my friend and I had this chat about how she can't cope like, her more experienced colleague, with the multitude of projects that seem to keep coming. No app or software can help her keep track of the pace of things that demanded her attention. She asked me how I managed to cope (she calls me an octopus for my seeming ability to multitask) with it all. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I don't have any "guru" tips, but I can share my experience with "multitasking" and what goes in my mind. How to switch gears quickly and shift tracks as soon as possible.</p>
<p dir="ltr">First and foremost, practice. It was cliché back in 1990s - the number of times I've been told that practice makes perfect - by the time 2010 came, that good advice has taken a backseat for innovation, thinking out of the box. Nevertheless, you become good at projects or managing a multitude of tasks because you have been doing it for a long time. With exposure to different types of demands on our time, we hit hard lessons and from those lessons we learn and become more efficient. The people we see who are "gifted" simply have years, starting from childhood (piano, tuition, social life, homework....) to get better at it. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Well if you've missed the boat there, you can always start now, which brings me to my next point.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Vision. You must have vision of where you end-game is. If life is a map, and the demands on your time multiple checkpoints and your attention the toy soldiers you use to move around on that same map, you start to think of time and attention as very scarce resources right? </p>
<p dir="ltr">It's the same, with a <i>sense </i><i>of</i><i> urgency,</i> that arises from scarcity, we become very picky or at least not so yielding to all the demands from us. It's also important to know what we want, because like every story, it must end, and we take the position of a director where we must know where your work will end up after all this work. So use your imagination and visualise where you want to end up. It's the same for small company projections (get 5% uplift in sales of product X) or big life decisions (do I see myself growing old with this person? What kind of legacy do I want to leave behind?).</p>
<p dir="ltr">Lastly, once you know where you want to go, what limited resources you have, you can then use the below pragmatic rules about juggling. </p>
<p dir="ltr">1. Task list or to-do-lists are crap (for me)</p>
<p dir="ltr">To-do lists makes you focus on linear progressions. It is great for homework but not so much for real-time stuff. In reality things move in parallel. By the time you finish your list, something has changed and you keep rewriting things over and over again but find yourself having no time to actually do them.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Instead, plan all your actions in a gantt chart, or for simplicity, I put them into my calendar ahead of time. It takes the worry off me that I'll forget something later and a nifty calendar alert 2 weeks before give me ample time to work on it. By blocking time, you also practice scarcity and force yourself to plan leisure in!</p>
<p dir="ltr">2. One feet in the pool, one feet on the grass</p>
<p dir="ltr">Always have an antennae permanently tuned to what's outside your 3m radius. Have one allegorical ear out for developments (or game-changing gossip "She's leaving!", "He's a new joiner and he'll be taking over this big client") that can potentially affect your work. Plan in your mind what options you have if it affects you. If you have no options and it affects you, at least you know you can't do anything about it and life carries on. No fret. </p>
<p dir="ltr">3. Allow new things to come in on a case-by-case basis.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Today got time for meeting? Let me check - see that the calendar has too much stuff, nope. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Today got time for CLIENT meeting? Let me check - new client worth 10 times more - YUP. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Reality is as such. Of course you don't have to go by monetary value, personal values come into play as well. Whichever scale you use, at least always have the right to say no when you are tapped out. </p>
<p dir="ltr">4. Stop being fucking nice</p>
<p dir="ltr">I used to be bristled by how some people are "rude" about their time. Just 5 minutes also cannot?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Yah, sometimes it's really cannot. </p>
<p dir="ltr">While I believe in rejecting people plainly and very politely, it doesn't mean you have to be nice by allowing people to trample on you. Bosses, colleagues or friends, be firm and polite. Being nice just gets you no sleep and poor performance. </p>
<p dir="ltr">5. Ditch the personal project management tool for some space to think</p>
<p dir="ltr">I have no qualms about.project management tools by the way, absolutely no reservations of a much needed system when you need to manage multinational projects. </p>
<p dir="ltr">In my style of working, those personal project management tools take up time to update, refresh and strike off. Personally for some of my friends it works - and if that's how you work by means go ahead. My point is don't force yourself to use something that doesn't feel natural. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Take time off to think and reflect on how you can work more efficiently, how do you make life easier for yourself. How do you increase capacity without increasing costs to yourself (time)?</p>
<p dir="ltr">These are just some of my WIP approaches to juggling in life, and like most humans I do fail from time to time. #notashamed As my best friend can attest, I actually suck at multitasking. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Just keep going and I hope this serves to help you in some way or another. In any case, like a wise aunty colleague once told me, "工作做不完的啦~" (Work is never-ending).</p>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-17684764266990300862016-11-14T16:55:00.001-08:002016-11-20T04:15:13.935-08:00Rediscovery: lessons on G string<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I have always had a phobia of performing on stage as a soloist, or being the focal point in an ensemble. Post-school, I chose to hide behind thick heavy curtains as a stage hand and later, a stage manager where the dark nooks and dim safety lights cuccooned. I would stand backstage applauding the actors who've worked so hard to bring the scripts to life, but also at the same time yearn with envy at their ability to delight and inspire. </div>
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I was determined to stand in the light again, and with that, to learn a new instrument. </div>
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1 month of cello lessons have helped me rediscover parts of myself I didn't want to contend with. It really hit home one day while I was watching a particular episode of the Crown, where Churchill was having a heated exchange with his portraitist. </div>
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My teacher have said many times, astutely, that I want to be correct more times than I want to play music. In practicising one passage, I gradually realised that, in all irony, the more I forced the correct, the more it came out sounding awful. That is not to say proper bow strokes or posture is unimportant. It's the approach and the preoccupations of wanting to be correct <b>all the time</b> that distracts me from the sound I was correcting <b>for.</b> At the end of the day, I had to remind myself that everything is a work of progress and I have to be patient for muscle memory to form, for my body to become accustomed.</div>
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I have always been afraid of performing solo - because the task of being correct in music,where no 2 notes are the same - become too daunting a task for any conscious mind. </div>
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<b>Art and character</b><br />
In the episode of the Crown where Churchill, a prolific painter himself, criticised and insinuated that his portraitist had lesser experience and aptitude than he (lesser works a year, his lack of knowledge of pencil and paper types for a sketch). His portraitist, went back to do research on Churchill's numerous works. He returned and pointedly told Churchill that his painting constantly returned to the subject of his pond. He asked why Churchill was so engrossed with the pond. Churchill sees art as battle, to win over the subject matter as conquer. The pond with is dancing lights, was difficult to capture completely. The artist made a passing statement that the way he framed and painted the water, revealed that Churchill wanted people to see something that he feel people didn't see. It was calling for the viewer to see beneath the muddy surface for something. Something might not be there. Churchill was visibly struck, it was a quiet scene, yet resonated loudly under my shell. </div>
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In the context of an aging Churchill with his illustrious career, it was tragic, the denial of one's age and limits. The forced perspective of wanting others to see the greatness without also acknowledging the weaknesses.</div>
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Why do they say art is reflection, food and sustenance for the soul?</div>
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Is this why Einstein plays?</div>
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Is this how Bach felt when he composed his preludes, fugues, and many other concertos?</div>
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After years of knowing these statements from artists, I am beginning to embody the experience and understand why. </div>
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Both experiences brought tears to my heart and eyes. First, with immense sadness because after a long time, I am finally at the cusp of realising a deeper part of myself. To remind ourselves that life is more than just right and wrongs, more than the petty politics and power struggles. Empathy is a resource fast running out in this distracting world. Every day I play simple notes and yet I am reminded that while as a beginner we need to get the simple things right, but it is all about being able to feel between the notes. We underestimate the touch of sound, the vibrations that rock us within a concert or dance, that also exists between the tense pauses on stage. </div>
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I took a breath and pulled my first bow, ah! That full tenor of the G on the cello. Beyond technique, beyond correctness, we all need to be reminded that life is about fullness. Sound never lies. What I play, is a reflection of what is inside me - a scratchy distorted conflicted sound. There is no way I can play without releasing tension in both my mind and my body. No way I can feel the notes if I constantly berate my ineptitude. In time...in time...</div>
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Like Churchill's obsession with that pond, that forced perspective on his viewers to my forced cello sound was born out of pride. Humility releases the soul in ways that is indescribable. Like theatre often theorises, when an audience laugh, it is because they feel uncomfortable, it is a visceral reflection and reminder of the shady parts of ourselves. When I played my cello, the sound is a direct manifestation of insecurity. Indeed the obsession with being correct, is a selfish endeavour. It emphasizes the player's self-absorption to be correct and the audience becomes alienated. It is masturbatory and fails engage nor does it serve to communicate. People become disenchanted when art is supposed to do just the opposite. </div>
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If you are disengaged from any performance or art piece, when you also have all the lenses and grammar to read and interpret, it is fault of the artist.</div>
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I am afraid of performing because I am simultaneously afraid that people do not like me for who I am. I am scared shitless because we bare our souls, and run the risk that people do not like that part of us that was made public. I still have a long way to go, in accepting my own weaknesses as well as strengths. Like learning is a life-long skill, may this journey never end. </div>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-12647449408953528642016-10-25T17:10:00.001-07:002016-10-26T07:50:29.239-07:00Email writing: some ideas to help<div dir="ltr">
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Recently, there has been a lot delicate ballet surrounding emails. </div>
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How do I reply an email from my boss that has Cc-ed the whole village for a decision that looks like I missed my work when in fact, s/he changed his/her decision?</div>
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How do I reply emails that compliment my work?</div>
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How do I reply emails when my colleagues are clearly throwing me under the bus?</div>
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How do you write a sensible reply to someone who is passive aggressive?</div>
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How do you reply your CEO who has dropped you work and skipped the entire chain of command? <br />
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I am constantly amused at how writing, despite advances in technology, still revolves around 3 principles - context, power and tone. <br />
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Human communication over text is a fascinating thing - the semiotics can be interpreted widely depending on our mood, or even time of day. We read what we want to hear. Literature and authors, like musicians, exploit this to create colour and suspense. Yet, in professional business writing, a "colourful" tone can be mis-interpreted as sarcastic or worst-still, offensive. <br />
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The worst part is, the more people jump on the bandwagon, the confirmation bias grows every stronger and it email becomes morphed into its own interpretation regardless of the author's original intention. <br />
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So here are my 3 humble thoughts about email writing based on my personal principles. I've learnt these skills from mistakes, as well as my bosses, for whom I am eternally grateful for pointing out these hesitancies. <br />
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1) Context - reading between the lines</div>
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So you wrote an email, and you expected it to go cordially. Before you know it, a harsh reply came back and you are fuming. You feel wronged. You feel that the other person is unreasonable. She's a bitch, he's a jerk. This problem compounds when that person is someone with power. <br />
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Instead of hitting "Reply All", it is perhaps easier to pick up the phone. Come forth from the position as a listening ear, hear why and what this person is trying to tell you. That anger might be completely misdirected, or someone else is trying to send an indirect message via you to your team or boss, who's conveniently cc-ed in there. If you are completely sure of your innocence, then you don't have to go on the defensive and start a shouting match. Let it go and reply pleasantly, more anger doesn't breed resolutions.<br />
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Listen, understand, rant a bit...and calm down. <br />
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Secondly, you receive a very cryptic email towards a potentially very awkward conclusion. You can't seem to figure out exactly what has happened and you are too embarrassed to ask. What then?<br />
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Context becomes extremely crucial in the environment where information is non-transparent. You could be a scape-goat in the making, or be unknowingly complicit to a whole scheme of things you'd rather not get involved. In this context, ask very awkward and difficult questions, escalate matters if this is out of your pay-scale. Clarify with the sender if this was a mistake, seek confirmation on the objectives and have that in email. When the context is not clear, being clear about what your unknowns might raise the right alarm bells. There are no stupid questions. <br />
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But there are stupid assumptions. <br />
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2) Power<br />
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One of my personal pet peeves, is people who write short curt and very accusatory emails that at once suggest very little in way of direction and also insist upon a multitude of things.</div>
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You know, those emails?<br />
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"I saw "X" this morning, what the hell are you people doing. Inserts sign off"</div>
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"Insert Cc to entire team: Please activate this for Amy as discussed, why is this still not done."<br />
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The former is a poor email form that js outwardly demanding, with all the room in the world for the team to jump in and start pointing fingers.<br />
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The latter, is passive aggressive. It suggests the receipient is incompetent of following instructions or the person giving it has a point to prove on the earlier point. <br />
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While I personally don't agree with these forms of email, they are dis-empowering to the receivers - even if they are guilty of the act. But wait, you cry, what if that person is a repeat offender! What if they don't move unless I resort to such tactics.</div>
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I believe that dealing with difficult people require strategies. For now, assume you are innocent and you find yourself on the pointy end of the stick, how do we reply?<br />
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Firstly, do not wrestle back control. Do not fire off another email that is equally foreboding and petty. Secondly, write to clarify, not defend. Do not start by saying "you didn't tell me" or "Ernest failed to...", it will just make the endless witch-hunting even more tedious.<br />
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We don't want the Salem witch hunts, we want to resolve a problem. </div>
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So the key is to write what you do know, how it will be resolved, and what is preventing you from finding a conclusion. It may well be a lack of information, your boss forgot that 5min discussion in the pantry, etc. Confirm that discussion, seek clarity and with each onion layer you peel, the power balance tilts in your favour. Consider your positionality, and how much change you can effect over the organisation and adjust your content. The less power, the lesser explanations on email. We're not called to answer for problems beyond our pay-scale - unless the problem is you or your team. <br />
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If you truly forgot to do something, do not over-explain. In true Gordon Ramsay style, recover, and save the excuses. By giving excuses, you are crippling people's expectations of your work, when what you really want is to admit that we all make mistakes, and they can adjust their own worldview. The latter being, everyone can identify with and the former being just someone desperate to cover up. Ironically, you win power by being more vulnerable because you don't win approval, but you win empathy. <br />
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Writing from power also means being affirmative. "I think", "It might be possible" are phrases to avoid especially when you are putting forward a recommendation. It cracks open debate which will further undermine your confidence. If you are not sure, then why are you recommending?<br />
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3) Tone<br />
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Friendly or business-formal? Should I insert that smiley face? Is slang allowed?</div>
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It is obvious that much of tone comes from the first 2 points. Yet at the same time, tone is the structure we put up to set ourselves up for success or failure. </div>
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Consider your relationship and objectives, if you would like you ease a tense situation by throwing a joke, you would be better off doing it in person. Humour is a risky thing, because it depends on timing and frame of mind. Unless the relationship is on a firm basis, risking a joke is generally not wise. <br />
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Consider tone as a bridge between 2 gulfs of ideas. If you have a point that you want to say, consider using tone to draw the person in. Sell-in rather than hard-sell. It is often much palatable if the writer seems to be open to a conversation, rather than coming as a directive. <br />
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Except of course, when it is truly a directive. <br />
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I consider tone like music playing. You can play the piano and the teacher often asks you to sing the melody line. You get a sense of phrasing where the composer intends to end a sentence. Tone of emails is exactlt that, you have to read your email out loud to consider if the text reads well. Are your salient points are highlighted? Can some parts of the email be interpreted wrongly? Think about various ways of reading, like music, there are many ways to go about singing a melody. <br />
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Tone, is a word that is associated with aurality. When in doubt, vocalise. </div>
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Ultimately, this is a very long and convoluted way of thinking about email writing. I don't have specific tactics, because if those will automatically come to you if we shift our mode of thinking. Don't self-victimise, and tilt power in your favour. Appraise how your reply affirms or disavows your position in the company and write mindfully. <br />
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My rule of thumb is, if I have doubts about my email, discuss it offline with your manager or with that person directly. It's often a sure sign that the email will come back with a reply that is not entirely favourable. </div>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-21704860010371477362016-10-19T17:45:00.001-07:002016-10-19T17:45:29.509-07:00So you didn't get that promotion...<p dir="ltr">Recently, many of my friends/colleagues had their bubbles burst. This cuccoon that good work should be commensurated by good pay, and the implied trust that you will get a pay raise when you get promoted, is sadly broken. </p>
<p dir="ltr">In many conversations, I've insisted that good work is rewarded by more work. Behind that, there's always a trust that you will be rewarded accordingly. More responsibilities means being paid for it and vice versa.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Then 3 years into my career, when I've had a peek under the hood, I realise that people are not all very smart nor rational. I discovered many ugly politics that resulted in my various hires, and the real reason why people leave. I've witnessed incompetent employers being driven by employees yet never sharing the profits with them. I've been disgusted by senior management's miserly cost-strapped approaches that deter growth. That "defend whatever pie I have" instead of finding more. It would seem almost fate, that a slew of articles and reports seem to correspond to my current worldview - young underpaid burnt out executives who leave or are asked to leave due to rapid financialisation of companies and rapid cost cutting measures to meet those financial goals. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Work more, for less. </p>
<p dir="ltr">This lore, must rest. </p>
<p dir="ltr">My best friend, like Morpheus in the Matrix, offered me the blue pill and I've since opened my eyes for the first time. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Meritocracy doesn't exist. If it naturally did, why do we still write it into our national pledge? Why do ministers still <i>insist</i> that the civil service is meritocractic. We hardly need to instate upon a concept that exists in reality. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I've burnt out before, and felt hopeless. For 5 months this year, I've come to re-assessed this lore that has been ingrained in me throughout my educational journey. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It is true to some extent, that the best people tend to get the better pay and education has had a big part to play, besides gender and social class, in one's life chances of making-it-out-there. Yet, when we tear apart the cohort analysis, across individuals or communities (like young executives), we face ever-increasing disparities. Not all education types are valued equally, not all industries reward the same, not all bosses promote individuals with good qualities.</p>
<p dir="ltr">As we are schooled to become ever so <i>alike,</i> ironically the notion of meritocracy as we know it changes. Merit is based on who can <i>angkat bolah</i> (carry balls), who's able to get into the good books and do what upper management want. Performance at work, becomes a <i>wayang,</i> and taken to the extremes, creates a vastly disturbing and toxic corporate culture.</p>
<p dir="ltr">The key is really to keep on learning, even when life is unfair and promotions become extremely biased, I believe it will play out and here's why:</p>
<p dir="ltr">Ultimately, success is about grit and resilience. Resilience is all about being adaptable and gaining the skills that makes you mobile and less-company-dependent. It is true for any HR, that the best people will always leave and the worst are hard to get rid of. Companies always struggle to balance short term cost cutting measures with long term gain. Given the financialisation of many companies, short term gain is becoming more of a reality than long term development. While that is none of our problem, since we are the cogs in this entire corporate machinery, that burden of sustainability is not ours to bear. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I always say, "this problem is above my payscale". </p>
<p dir="ltr">Yet it has implications. It suggests that with increasing short term worldviews, we have to ironically think long term. I live in constant belief that I might be asked to leave my desk tomorrow and every month I ask if I have the skills to go elsewhere. If every month my answer is yes, I will sleep easy at night. If not, it's time to consider readjusting my position/scope in the company. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Many of my peers then turn to businesses, as an alternative eden. Your own hours, full profit, calling the shots. No more unfair promotions, no more nonsense from upper management. Except when you're daunted by real prospects, you realise how much more politics and craziness one has to bear. From unscrupuloys suppliers to powerful buyers, doing business come in all flavours. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Burn out. The candle's wick can only burn for so long. The wax is evaporating  Bills go up in smoke. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Generally, while there are tons of articles telling you how to deal with a burn out, my last takeaway is to not make work your all. Don't make work your reason, find a reason to work, to <i>make</i> it work. Yes it sucks that the promotion didn't come despite the hardwork you've put in. Leave for better prospects not for the feeling of injustice, but for a better future for your family. Arm yourself with the skills to negotiate for that future you want, build your reputation, which over time outweighs its worth in gold. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Meritocracy doesn't exists, not perfectly anyway. Find strength in places, seek solace in others =) push on.</p>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-854275908202321202016-09-30T07:31:00.002-07:002016-09-30T07:31:29.724-07:00Bosses are humans too - thoughts on humanistic leadership<br />
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Recently I've been interested in this idea of humanistic leadership. There are many schools of thought on leadership, and some of them may already cover what I currently have in mind.<br />
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Nevertheless, this post is aimed at that frustrated subordinate and the fresh-faced executive, about our managers.<br />
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I've always sought to find a good mentor and manager as my number 2 priority after job-scope/exposure. The reason being is that we probably see our managers for longer hours than our spouses or family. It felt only logical. Monetary issues aside, if one can afford it, seek a job to grow and learn first and foremost.<br />
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However, not all managers are leaders. Many times we are frustrated by the decisions they make, or do not make. They also chastise us for things that might not be entirely our fault, or may seem unreasonable in terms of deadlines. No one likes OT (unless you like escaping from home), and certainly no one likes uncertainty or negative energy around the office.<br />
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So we immediately turn to the manager who gave us that instruction, or directive. Why B now when it was A earlier? We question, interrogate and some managers stonewall us and ask you to "just do it". So we bitch and moan over lunches with our colleagues, and then complain to our loved ones that my manager has been unreasonable. Crazy even, especially when emotions were involved and things felt a bit personal, words were heartedly exchanged.<br />
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Ultimately, everyone goes back with their relationship just a bit sour. Bits of you promise that you'll never help your boss anymore. S/he has betrayed you.<br />
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There are a ton of articles out there that suggest what you should do if you have a lousy boss. How to "survive" a lousy manager. It is all about coping and tolerating the Mean Manager. This is where I beg to differ.<br />
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Coping and tolerating is a stop-gap measure, it suggests that both parties dance around the bush and ignore the white elephant in the room. Truce comes with developing understanding, and some empathy, as well as crystal clear communication.<br />
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<b>1. Understanding, maybe you misunderstood the messenger for the message.</b><br />
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Managers have meetings, they have closed-door discussions. They have responsibilities and emails that you are not privy to, they text their own bosses, they have greater responsibilities beyond the organisation.<br />
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Sometimes we see the blood but not the battle, and we blame the soldier who fought in the trenches than the politicians that instigated the war. Messages flow from the top, and managers are sometimes confronted with the difficult position of being the messenger - to fire, to discipline, to U turn - because of whatever reasons. They could have spoke up for you, but their decisions were overrode by other people and considerations. Ultimately, we need to ask the right questions before we jump to conclusions. Managers have bosses to please too. How they handled the situation reflects well/badly on them. So while we can feel that the message could be phrased in a better way, we need to be objective and seek clarity on where and how this decision came to be.<br />
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<b>2. Empathy, because managers have families too.</b><br />
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So she was snappy at you - it must be PMS or she is has issues with your slides last night. He was distant- maybe he has unvoiced disappointment and the hammer's gonna drop any minute.<br />
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Maybe you don't care at all.<br />
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However we see it, our bosses can equally be met with frustrations from home, they are not our managers when they are home but husbands, wives, children, friends. They can very well have had their heartbroken that affected their day. It's not always about you.<br />
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Junior-entry executives don't always realise how sheltered they are. Personal performance is easy and while there are some relationships to manage, the goals are often very clear and directive. However the higher up the corporate ladder, the view is less clear, the relationships less obvious and suddenly the phrase, "with great power, comes great responsibility" start to really sink in.<br />
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It is always easier to be responsible for yourself, than to be responsible for others. That's why I'm quite resistant to the idea of the careerist individual, because more often than not, I see managers burn out and run ineffective and toxic teams that surrounds a person's ego. Without the support of family and friends, it is easier to be bitter, jaded and simply apathetic about other's predicaments.<br />
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<b>3. You can never over-communicate.</b><br />
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A lot of misunderstanding comes from the lack of will and ability to simply tell others what the hell you are working on right now.<br />
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Sometimes when things are extremely overwhelming, boss forget to communicate, and because shit flows from the top, the landslide eventually lands on our 6pm shoulders.<br />
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Soldier on.<br />
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Shake it off like water off a duck's back and fucking grow a pair. It is not okay for any boss to tell you to do something that was due 2 hours ago, communicate how this can be improved, mutually apologise and move on.<br />
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Of course with authority, no manager is going to tell you sorry for making you miss your movie with your partner, or worse still, the finals of EPL.<br />
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Yet, taking the first step to confront the issue achieves 2 objectives. First it tells you what kind of leader you have, and secondly, it opens a dimension of understanding that goes beyond passive-aggressiveness.<br />
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Nothing gets achieved if communications are reduced to passive aggressiveness, and people who are PA need to understand that this propagates and complicates the issue. If you feel you are not listened to, or are not appreciated for your opinions, just voice it out and see where the paint spray settles. If the organisation doesn't appreciate your skills and views, then leave. If you can't leave, then just press on. If you get brow beaten all the time, at least you did your conscience proud. Congratulations, welcome into maturity.<br />
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Bosses who are themselves PA, need to get a grip of their actions, and I fucking make no excuses for managers who are detrimental to their team due to ineffective (PA) communications. But all of us can do our part to improve things.<br />
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My point of this article, is that you don't need to have a shiny brass plate engraved with your name and title to exhibit leadership. In this day and age of rank-seeking individuals, we forget the software of what makes managers important. They are the muscles that hold the joints together, the nervous system that run effective communications, though while sometimes painful, helps the rest of the corpus understand that they have been burnt and back away.<br />
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It is not always about you, neither do people "have issues with your performance". Very rarely, people think about you if at all, and managers, those who are truly focused on the good work, have spare RAM to give a shit about your petty thoughts and drama. So grow a pair of bravery + transparency, and mature. This world is really not your polly-pocket universe.<br />
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Humanistic leadership is about understanding the individual and where they are coming from. Thereafter, to lead with transparency and empathy, to communicate clearly with people around you so as to develop healthy relationships. You may do it in any style, but you don't have to be a manager to lead - you can start with yourself.<br />
<br />musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-27865190672344691642016-09-02T05:31:00.001-07:002016-09-02T09:50:06.697-07:00Lifelong learning<div dir="ltr">
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I was searching my family document library 2 days ago, trying to get papers in order for an appeal application for my mother's step-down care subsidy. And my mum being the extremely orderly person she is, has kept everything in place and is a system we still use 7 years later despite her stroke. </div>
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Having said, I paused to flip through the numerous certificates, courses and accreditation that my mum has had throughout her career right up till her stroke. At first, it was O levels, and then a diploma in IT back when computers barely made it to the scene. My mother was a brilliant typist, scoring an impressive word/minute to qualify a shiny badge for it. She attended even more courses about logistics, learning advanced excel and so on. This was before systems like SAP and Oracle made it to our shores to help companies monitor complex logistics.</div>
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It was easy to pass these off as my mum's poor O Level grades didn't qualify her entry into a tertiary institution due to her poor English marks (she was Chinese educated). It is but of course, that she kept on learning so that she could continue to be relevant. It is a discourse we are familiar with and, with SkillsFuture, institutionalised.</div>
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However, being a university graduate, a person of middle-class privilege, it is easy to be comfortable in our worldly knowledge. To pass off my mum's pursuits as simply a necessity because she didn't have access to university. It is equally tempting to assume we know it all - and stop learning. A great deal of humility came when I entered the digital media world - where no such course is offered in Singapore, where the playing field is equal, that you feel that your entire educational hardwork seems less useful than when it first felt. My mum must have felt the same when she picked up IT as her profession of choice.</div>
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I find myself on the same journey as my mother now, learning and developing new skills, taking courses and getting certified for platforms I never knew existed or were possible. </div>
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Yet, a constant worry plagues me. </div>
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My mother had to also banked on a particular set of skills - and it was IT. Very soon after the 2000s, a vast majority of consolidation exercises and downsizing caused many to lose their jobs. My mother included - she had to de-skill and work in another field that demanded a strict paycut. The last few years leading to her stroke were the most stressful. Being older now, I am starting to understand her frustrations. Back in 1970s, the government promised developments in the IT manufacturing sector. However that strategy quickly changed when China because cheaper and opened its doors in mid 1990s. We lost our comparative advantage in a heartbeat. Many industries today still grapple with this change. </div>
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It must have been infuriating to invest so much into one's learning, and not have it pay off in the future you aspire to. I am somehow doubly pained for my mother, who have always shielded me from these worries and allowed me to pursue my passion and strengths. Perhaps if she were healthy now, she would shared more with me. </div>
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There are two kinds of learning - often dichotomised as incompatible. On one end of the ring, we have the academic approach of meta-knowledge. The abstraction of common phenomenon into concepts that can be adapted to analyse anything - a way of thinking if you will. On the other side presents a realm of practical knowledge that get things done. How to fix a generator on a bulldozer, how to create pivot tables, how to run a training session. </div>
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The former comes at too high a cost, often econimically and scholastically out of reach from many. The latter is too specialised and can, in my mother's case, be obsolete if the wind changes directions. </div>
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So what then? While one can certainly, theoretically, keep getting skilled - some boundaries are harder to cross than others. A salesperson selling books can hardly transit into a role that sells medical equipment. This structural unemployment is not simply distilled to just the lack of learning. The person may very be learning all this time, just within their own vertical that no longer exists.</div>
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It is this insecurity that makes me question the viability of some of the strategies posited by armchair economists, often relegating the structural unemployment as a problem of the lack of self-improvement. </div>
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But what is clear is that we cannot stop learning, and be closed to the idea that being in a lab analysing cell division is a farfetched idea when you were a geography major. No doubt it comes at a very high cost. However my point is that if we are no longer hungry to learn, we stand no chance at all. </div>
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This post addresses many parallel and intersecting issues - but the tldr; version is simply this. Just keep swimming, even if it was the wrong direction, we can always turn back, but never stop moving. </div>
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By the way, my mum wanted to enroll into university to pursue her dreams of getting a degree after I "grew up". She never went on to fulfil that personal aspiration. It doesn't matter because he carries enough knowledge already that universities will be learning more from her experience than what they can offer. Her dream lives on with me, and I will carry that torch of learning forever in my heart. </div>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-48636409881955006662016-08-16T17:31:00.001-07:002016-08-16T17:35:22.483-07:00What lying does to you<p dir="ltr">Lies are a form of narrative, a story or a fantasy we tell people. It is often rooted in some sort of truth, or phenomena experienced but can either be taken out of context. Facts distorts into falsehood because it has been misappropriated to fit one's selfish interests. </p>
<p dir="ltr">People might tell a liar when confronted face-to-face, because lying to someone is uncomfortable and much more difficult than one might think. It's loaded with a sense of sheepishness, guilty conscience and plot-holes to get straight that it often takes less effort to just tell someone the truth and get it over and done with. </p>
<p dir="ltr">However, lying, like most things, can become a habit. It gets easier every time you do it, such that it is all paradoxically, becomes the only truth you see. It starts to frame how you see things - your neurons travel the pre-emptive pathways on how you place facts within a story that has become familar to you. So lies ultimately become a worldview, and in that worldview through time and space, situations become a self-fulfilling prophecy. </p>
<p dir="ltr">The fable of the Emperor's New Clothes is about not getting fleeced, but also and more importantly about vanity and pride of the Emperor. In a sense, he allowed himself to be deceived because he has already deceived himself that it is extremely crucial to have clothing that is made of the finest material as an affirmation of his lordly status. We allow ourselves to be lied to, or take into lies because the first lie starts with the lies we tell ourselves. We need that $2,400 bag because it makes us look good. We don't interrogate assumptions enough, especially the assumptions that echo in our minds. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So all in all, lies do something very particular. They feed. Rather than substract from your being, they add, feed, seduce and nourish. Whether it is desire, pride or even glory, it seeks yo affirm what may not be. And it is potent because since they are based in facts that do exist, we make logical leaps and jump to conclusions. When we lie to others comfortably, we have to lie to ourselves, and to do that easily, is to take mental shortcuts or erase outliers. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It becomes easier to find cause and effect, to sweep all other factors under the carpet. Dangerously, it becomes easier to blame, to seek justifications for extreme actions. We tell ourselves it is okay. And after a few times, lies replace truth as discourses that most accept. Not all lies are purposeful, and this is not the same as scientific theory that has been debunked due to new evidence or research practices. I am referring to the lies we tell ourselves, the <i>personal </i>touchpoints we have regularly that suck us in. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Lies are a false cucoon, one that is as brittle as diamond. It only takes 1 child on the street to say, "but he is naked!" to shatter illusions into a thousand pieces and have us all running back vulnerable and exposed. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Have courage my friends. </p>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-86426334105952348112016-08-14T17:26:00.001-07:002016-08-14T17:35:14.132-07:00So you're stuck in a rut...<p dir="ltr">You sent some resumes, got through the door. Bought a reward for yourself with your first paycheck. You've started work. Hurray. </p>
<p dir="ltr">You go home after work day everyday, watch your Game of Thrones or Kdrama, chat with your friends. You maybe catch dinner with someone. Fall asleep. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Rinse and repeat. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Now what?</p>
<p dir="ltr">You've become what institutions envision you to be - a collared worker, productive and abundening. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Every once in a while, you head for a holiday, go to Universal Studios with your family or niece/nephew. </p>
<p dir="ltr">You return home, staring at the mundaneness of it all. Wondering if your life is resigned to this cogwork cycle. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Work can be exciting for some, not so much for others who feel that things are out of their hands most of the time. Agency, is the concoction that brews only in academic towers, the steam is what students inhale in lecture halls. The privileged, the non-caring, the ones who have it easier because life dealt them the right DNA and circumstances. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So suddenly you are 30, 35. You've worked so hard to be in middle management. The pay off doesn't seem as worthwhile as it was when you were 24 and decided that relationships were a distraction. You find your friends increasingly unable and unwilling to make time for brunch or soccer because "Little Jimmy" has playgroup on Saturdays. You go on an online dating spree, become increasingly critical of the guys who are of similar age - not earning enough, he is not "worldly" enough, he hasn't dated in 20 years!?</p>
<p dir="ltr">And you trudge on with a date holding the same fallible need to impress with their credit card or make up. At the same time, a little part of you dies inside. Yet pride prevents you from admitting that you've made a wrong choice. You're a manager now aren't you? Age is creeping up, and you know your younger colleagues are calling you that mean bitch/bastard who needs that stick out of his/her ass. Someone who just needs to get laid. Your male colleagues wonder if you're gay since they never hear you mention that you're meeting women. </p>
<p dir="ltr">And you did, it is not without a lack of trying - after all that is what the modern independent person is, isn't it? However you have too much self respect to render yourself at anyone's whim and fancy. You only want the best. </p>
<p dir="ltr">But the best are taken with the mundaneness of life you have grown so much to despise and yet also desire. That stability and burden of a family doesn't seem as "traditional". Maybe tradition endures not for its own sake, maybe your pride didn't let you see through your own naïveté at 24. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Eventually you resign, and quietly admit that you missed out. Life goes on, you settle for your games and Kdrama with the cuccoon of solitude keeping you chilled in this hot tropical weather. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Time is an investment, an instrument that does not return once capital has been invested. It is the riskiest, as well as the most precious commodity that most people take for granted. Until something happens, oft too late, will we fully grasp the sands of time. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Would you choose this unspeakable burden of two little feet, or the unimaginable endlessness of forever weightlessly floating through the city at night.</p>
<p dir="ltr">What legacy do you want in the end? What lives on what you have passed. Are you a guest of this earth, to come by and have passed, to never evoke memory ever again? </p>
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People often misunderstand that career and personal life are incompatible - especially women. Even increasingly men.  We must have "enough" before we are "ready" to love and be loved. To settle down, to marry, to have kids. I strongly disagree. People are not complete, nor should they be. We are all growing and evolving, we are always work-in-progress. We are dependent on time and space, and the people that bump in snd out of our lives. We are the baggage we carry and the tears we shed. I want to grow old with someone, not start a business with him (or her). </p>
<p dir="ltr">While we can be married to our work at key points in time, it is equally important to return. To return to what matters most - to the people who care very much about it. Finding someone to spend time with is not so much as "lacking time" but a shift of perspective. In Singapore, we are often chastised for being unfocussed - students are conditioned towards a singular goal (the national exam) and if that goal is achieved, it all pays off. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Later people transfer that conditioning onto their careers. However as we grow older, we forget that we have agency to change some of the chains that bind us. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So life doesn't entirely make it incompatible, it's about what we're willing to sacrifice for what we want and the courage to admit our heart-felt desires. Family or no family, most importantly we need to be at peace for the choices we make. </p>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2996667063045871841.post-87420693106783732332016-07-27T18:05:00.001-07:002016-07-27T18:05:17.798-07:00In praise of gaming<p dir="ltr">4 years ago, a friend introduced me to the very alien world of computer gaming. Back then, I never counted myself as one of their target audiences. A "proper" girl doesn't game right?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Well, proper girls shouldn't be doing a lot of thing and that's why they have cats.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Which by the way, are furry movable furniture.</p>
<p dir="ltr">(Kidding, I love cats.)</p>
<p dir="ltr">In any case, I have had the fortune to experience first person shooting games like Battlefield and L4D2, to story-line pakour cinematics like Asassins' creed and Tomb Raider, and also multiplayer strategy games such as Dota2 and League of Legends. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Well no doubt they are really fun, I mean like hours-fly-by kind of fun. Which admittedly is longer than any movie.</p>
<p dir="ltr">There is a lot of resistance against gaming, especially women who almost see it as bad as their partners watching porn. I believe that it is lack of understanding that is proliferating this "judgy" attitude.</p>
<p dir="ltr">And no, I don't self-identify as a gamer girl because my reflexes, like my math, is tosh.</p>
<p dir="ltr">So here are 5 reasons why I am in praise of games.</p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>1. Singapore is expensive and boring</b></p>
<p dir="ltr">It seems like an odd first point, but it lines up. Bear with me and you'll see why. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Singapore is a playground for the rich, extremely rich. We can't afford yachts and MBS-esque lives. But we can afford $12 of 4 hour game time to have a good time with friends. It is almost cheaper than a weekend movie ticket with twice the length of fun. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Popcorn not included. But most places allow food anyway. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Prices are inclusive of GST and service charge. You are welcomed.</p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>2. You learn complex strategies à la the Art of War</b></p>
<p dir="ltr">Some games like DOTA and League of Legends require complex strategy. You have to decide from the moment have to pick a character with unique abilities, to the actual gameplay, to teamwork synergies. I call it complex chess.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Ultimately the aim of the game is to capture the opponent's team's "flag". Much like chess's aim is to capture the king. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So chess pieces are all inanimate but follow the same strategy. Characters have to work together with their abilities, they need to learn when to give someone the bounty so that their team wins over all, or when to wait for their turn to strike. Teams have to coordinate to focus down an enemy, and/or protect their damage-dealer so they don't give their own bounty away. </p>
<p dir="ltr">And the amazing thing is such decisions are also made in mere split seconds with multiple things happening at once. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So tell me how is this not amazing in and of itself?</p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>3. It tells you what kind of person you are.</b></p>
<p dir="ltr">So previously, I thought that I was an aggressive decision maker because I'm very proactive. However, playing games (including Civ5) made me reconsider my assumptions. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I'm passive and defensive as hell. From my experience, some players go big and go home, others like me prefer to have all the information before proceeding. From these games, I am starting to realise how my passiveness can sometimes wreck results. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It is also true that you tell a person's true colours when you put them in hot water. </p>
<p dir="ltr">When the game is seemingly hopeless or when the odds are stacked against you, the feeling is eeriely real even though it's <i>just a game.</i> Do you stick through and find an opening? Do you blame others for what may be your mistake? Do you listen to 2nd opinions? Are you defensive?</p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>4. You actually learn stuff</b></p>
<p dir="ltr">So Ezio and the Assassin's creed series just basically taught me the civil history in an extremely real replica of the cities they depict. It was so real, that when in Florence, I actually really didn't need a map because I've walked those streets in-game before. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Also, you learn about stuff like guns, how they fire, how recoil can affect your aim etc. It's not 100% the real thing, and no I don't feel the urge to go shoot people in case you're wondering. It's useless information, but at least I'm prepared for a zombie apocalypse, are you?</p>
<p dir="ltr"><b>5. Some games, are basically sports</b>. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Unlike doping, e-sports face no such issue. Unless you count red-bull as a drug. Before you scoff at the notion that computer games can be "sports", may I remind you that soccer started out as kids kicking a tin can around in some alley as well. </p>
<p dir="ltr">And like every community, there are crazy ass people who mouth off, as there are silent supporters who watch every game of their favourite (*ahem Puppey ahem*).</p>
<p dir="ltr">It is also not some small obscure community. The last prize pool of Dota2 The International was ~USD6 million, way more than the Wimbledon and mostly pooled through the community. The combined players of World of Warcraft in a city is too large to fit an Olympic stadium. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Like all things, if done in moderation, poses benefits. Phobias are irrational, so is the lack of will to try to understand. Addictions are detrimental, so find out what games do to our brains. Like with all addictions, often the medium (games, drugs, porn) are just stand-ins for something more fundamental. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So go try them out....<b>good luck have fun people!</b></p>
musiacehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00259149948166154835noreply@blogger.com0