Wednesday, February 12, 2014

St. Valentine's

There has been a shift of my focus these days, from writing to being "out there" doing things. Recently, there has been a lot of happiness in my life, and that constitutes part of what I suppose being in love means. It is a completely new experience, one that I really need to learn how to negotiate with.

I am afraid and at the same time exhilarated. Knowing someone on such an intimate level is an exciting experience - but that also means that we learn the worst in each other. I still grapple with the notion of being human - imperfect, and I will find it a wonder that a person can love another's imperfections perfectly. It is true, that your partner will and should bring out the best in you - someone who grows with you.

One would expect that after a while, when things run their "natural" course, when friends get involved, there will be a happily ever after. Yet the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and as much as friends want the best for us, it is often this lingering question of whether there is an "us". I honestly don't know, and peer pressure can be a horrible thing.

"Are you guys officially together yet? It has been some time already hasn't it?"

"Why you never go and ask him! I asked my boyfriend first last time! Don't shy lah"

These sinking feeling can be horribly real and unsettling and while you intellect tells you those are all very silly insecurities, the heart can waver.

What if he's stringing me along.

What if he's no longer interested?

What if he isn't ready to commit with me?

That's when I feel like taking the club-axe and killing all those phantom voices. It kills the mood and it definitely douses the concentration. It doesn't really help that St. Valentine is at the background smiling benignly over affianced love. While I never believed in the overly-commercialized excuse of a festival of roses and chocolates, what I do crave is the romantic gestures of affection - which can happen any day.

Perhaps my best friend was right, I do have to curb all those idealistic romantic fantasies because THAT is not love - and I must learn to accept the gestures of affection a man is really giving.

I am appreciative of the little things, and wish they would never stop. I am also appreciative of the experience - that it had happened regardless of the outcome. I am so young and so naive about the ways of the world. What is love - perhaps is a question that requires a lifetime to explore.