There's a sense of writing that I miss where there's a burning purpose at the bottom of my belly, that intrinsic drive that powers my fingers through the keyboard and words simply just flow.
I've missed writing and there's been a lot of happenings in the world that I have an opinion on, but haven't found the energy, focus or simply words to put them down. Writing can be so incredibly important because it shapes how we think, and the cloud of thoughts and disparate notions coalesce into tangible expressions which reads back to us even stronger. Notions and thoughts are fleeting but penned down, they become strong reminders of our values, beliefs and morals.
This Covid pandemic has perhaps changed me in more ways that I care to admit. I've gone through isolation, and consider myself lucky to still retain my job and do well at work. I've lost my mother, due to complications of pneumonia due to being a vegetative patient as a result of a stroke. I intend to write and express my feelings about the whole episode, to once again, retreat into the confines of my journal so that I can pour my thoughts - the good, bad and the ugly - into a safe space where only I know.
I promise to start writing again, regardless on how insignificant the episodes of my life may be, and how life - the very gift of existence - deserves to be contemplated upon and this is my moment of solitude for reflection.
There's been quite a few things I want to admit to myself, and this feels like another period of change in my life. I'm grappling how to deal with difficult conversations at work, on balancing my own needs with those of my partner. I tread with trepidation, whether my life has taken a turn where getting married and having children may not be something I want right now. With the world now opened up to me, I feel that my life has just started and the possibilities around what I can do, and the places I can go, now lay before me. It's the same feeling of fear and fascination where I now simultaneously worry about the path least taken, and falling into the road well trodden. Settling down with someone feels comfortable and "nice" - the simple things they say, where you get to enjoy the life of being with someone who understands you. While opening up the world of possibilities seem to be something I've always wanted, to travel and work in different places where culture is the very material for my study. I'm therefore torn into two, with one option seductively overtaking the other.
Yet some part of me knows that the life of "working overseas" is something I would not always welcome. The loneliness generated by the void of twilight due to time zones, coupled with the superficiality of acquaintances cannot replace the deep connections back home with people whom you've known for a decade. If anything I've learn, digital communications cannot replace face to face companionship. Simply being in the same space means you can spontaneously plan events and those become unwitting routines that weave into our lives. It forms a certain rhythm to the composition of our lives that we don't immediately acknowledge but painfully feel when it's ripped out of our life.
We take locality for granted, that moving away simple means a shift in location - but it means so much more. With Covid and air travel being more difficult that it used to be, I shudder to imagine what would have happened if I'm needed back home but could not be there in person due to airport shut downs and the like. The emotional regret I'll face, is something I may not be able to rest easily. I think about being there for my mother in her last moments of her life, and immediately notions of the world-weary traveller went away.
Life is ultimately the people you affect and touch in your life, and family is the people who are there at your last moments holding your hand while you leave this world. Ambition and opportunity will always be present, but the people whom I care about, may not always be here forever. It's those moments that I cherish and the connections in life that made me who I am. I hold on to them dearly.
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