Dating: Age is but a number?

I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend a long while back (walao Xinyi, your smses have died along with your inefficient groupmates in your FYP). Why do women not date younger men? This question triggered another memory. There was a tongue-in-cheek comment that my prof made about his older wife which goes something like this,

"I was talking to my wife the other day, and told her that it would be better to marry someone younger than you...you know, men tend to die faster right? So as men, if we marry older women, means I can be with her longer. -> collective sighs from the students."

Reading up on those lifestyle commentaries about dating young men, have reaped a whole new window of insights. It is fascinating how people talk about having relationships with younger men. They range from hugely successful still-married-after-14-years-going-on-to-their-fourth-child, to huge epic horror stories of overly-insecure-and-clingy-needy-immature-boyfriends. I mean these problems occur in "normal" relationships too. Why is age such a big factor in considering life partners?

I suppose it's a matter of lifecourse. Age is indeed, but a number. While growing old is mandatory, growing up is not. There are mature young people, and childish old farts around (like my uncle). So who is to say what works and what doesn't? Why do we judge our friends who date a younger guy/older woman to be doomed to have a high chance of failing? Sometimes, we underestimate the resilience and adaptability that youth can have, that adults sometimes lack.

This is of course, in no way saying that all women should therefore start going after young blood. On the contrary, what are we really saying when we caution ourselves against going after younger partners? It is the immaturity, and the self-centeredness that we do not want. It is also the lack of patience in our partners, the assumption that we want our partners whole and "perfect" first - that drives us to say we want 'older men'. We jump to conclusions that the checklist of traits we have, are found in a younger woman/older men. While the probabilities are higher in that group, it is not an absolute necessity. We assume that with age, comes experience and therefore the rest must follow. However, there some   many scores of people who are older and the experience, but do not learn from it.


This standard.operating.procedure to find a younger woman/older men is also gender biased. A Man must be older so that he can guide his younger Wife, or even in a partnership, to be the higher one amongst equals. He holds your hand, and he will support you (financially and emotionally). Such great burdens to place on men, and unfortunately not all carry it well. The same goes for women. Not all are equally apt at playing the submissive, or are comfortable with leaving decisions to their husbands. This is of course, an oversimplification of gender roles, and we have come a long way to make things fairer for both. However, with girls preferring older partners, these gender assumptions still subtly exist. Perhaps it is time to question those assumptions.

We have individual emotional and intimate needs where only that special someone can address. That person to address your needs is not inscribed in the year he/she was born, but in the Person that he/she was, is, and will be. If a younger person is able to grow with me and love the family enough to work together, isn't that what everyone wants in a relationship? The point is that we should also be democratic in our partners, and give everyone an equal chance. We should not be dictated by whom we are taught to love, but by who we love. If we do find out that the relationship does not work out, or if the person (regardless of age) is not compatible, then that is still a lesson we can learn from to find out the people we want in our lives.

Age is but a number, yes, but does it count?

(p.s. and that, by the way, was a double entendre. Recently, I've been sprouting them on instinct, I am starting to suspect I might have an affliction not yet recorded in the DSM-V.)

(p.p.s and looking back at my [dismal] dating history, it suddenly dawned on me that I dated more younger men than not.)