Loneliness is a Friend.

“Son. Everyone dies alone. That's what it is. It's a door. It's one person wide. When you go through it, you do it alone. But it doesn't mean you've got to be alone before you go through the door. And believe me, you aren't alone on the other side.” 

- Dresden, Dead Beat

Loneliness is something that I have to grapple with recently. The end of a project often brings the mind back to default setting, where we have to contemplate that after all the work, the buzz, the excitement, people do leave. I currently don't have the "lobang" to search for another project, and honestly, there are some tail-end administrative work I still have to grapple with before I leave for Paris. So I'm spent sitting here contemplating this lonely feeling that plagues me.

It should be so ironic, that I have made new friends, and frequently still exchange contacts with old ones. However the heavy queasy feeling of loneliness never seem to leave me. My friend just had her birthday, and she cried herself to sleep as she contends with her existence, the meaning(less) of it, and even perhaps the purpose of it all. It is a mood that descends, and people who are not "in it" would probably think it's a passing phase, something that we're too pussy to deal with.

I don't know about you, but I think loneliness is in the heart of our lives. We are constantly challenged to find people, people who we connect with. It is not an easy endeavour, and certainly, more challenging for some. However, like the quote above, everyone is born and everyone will die alone. However, we should not be afraid of it, loneliness is necessary for us to make life meaningful. If meaning is easily found, it would paradoxically lose its own meaning and thereby not strike a sense of importance to hold those dearest closest to us. Also, being lonely is necessary to cleanse. People come and go for a reason, and those reasons might not stem from us. People are complex and they change. So do we. As people leave, the remorse of losing a good friend/a good lover is a sort of melancholy that accompanies autumn. But, we shall look forward to the beginning, we will be grateful for that loss on hindsight. Loneliness drives the best of us to corrupt, to malfunction, to fail, to sin. We are not meant to be held in esteemed standards, and we should never be allowed to. Loneliness opens a vulnerability that permits us to be frail, to be weak and in so doing, find the essence of which that makes us strong. The door is one person wide, only you can decide what you want to do with that loneliness. 

Loneliness is not about losing people, but about failing to find meaning in the loss, or the un-foundness. It is a sickly sensation, one in which we don't care to consider because we're so caught up with our own melodrama. Perhaps, we are looking in the wrong places, in the wrong time, with the wrong people. I have begun to embrace loneliness as a friend and a motivator. It is perhaps up to the flavour of my loneliness, that will result in different blends of motivation. Some of us seek sex, others company, some more bury their heads in work. They start to define our self-worth. What should be the reprieve? I suppose religious leaders would provide you with a message of some sort. Since I'm not spiritual, nor a leader in these things, my reprieve is a simple one.

Simply, share your story. To anyone... anyone who would listen. You would find that you are not lonely alone. Loneliness finds friends, and as friends you would find that person who also share your narrative. Perhaps the key to loneliness is to be open, and when we are open, there will be someone waiting for us on the other side =)