It's not often in life, that you get to feel so calm about a situation that should have made you bitter, sad and maligned. Especially when you have just started to open your heart to someone...
I don't even need an explanation, because cowardice does not require an excuse. Excuses are not explanations why things didn't work out, they are lies we tell ourself because interrogating the alternative will make one too guilty.
I guess this experience have made me realise how strong I am, how weak I can be, and how learning is always a painful process. The reward of good work, is more work. With the help of my friends and loved ones, I have come so far, so now to reward that good work, is to do more of the same. I am hopeful, and I am optimistic and I will not be weighed down for this. I was happy, and I enjoyed myself. That is something that will forever sear in my mind and I'll move on to become a stronger and better person. I already have, and will move on quickly. If the demise of my mother has taught me anything, it is that life is too short for regrets. I have no regrets, only that my person is an unreserved one, and I do not see the need to "protect" or "guard" myself because life is meant to be lived to the fullest - pain and pleasure alike.
Who used who? It made me think about the play Venus in Fur, where the Dominant, supposedly with the upper hand in power, actually is the subjugated, when s/he realises that to be Dominant, requires the absolute trust and passion of the Subjugated. In this case, even not attaining certain information, becomes valuable in and of itself. Null and void, is as important and fullness and capacity. What is missing in your life, is as important and significant as something that is within it. I have chosen to empty my life of clutter, of nuisance, to fill it with people who only care and I care about in return. Which brings me back to something I remember from my favourite quotes from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice,
"I cannot forget the follies and vices of others so soon as I ought, nor their offences against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. -- My good opinion once lost is lost for ever."
- Mr Darcy
We will all come out stronger, better and wiser. With every cycle of pain, we become better at dealing with it. There will come a day, when someone understands and opens their heart to you, and loves you.
"But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."
- V for Vendetta, Valerie