The person in the mirror

The man in the mirror is often used to illustrate a point that we only need to look inside ourselves to find the change we want.

In reality, the people we interact with are pieces of broken mirrors, reflecting bits and pieces of ourselves. It reminds us of the flaws and goodness within, yet never having the full picture.

On rare occasions someone walks by with a big piece of glass that reflects a whole face, or even a torso and for once one could see how the small pieces of glass fit into our web of existence.

Yesterday I met such a person, whom life's regrets, rants and experience showed me this big piece of my own reflection. Strangely, he didn't have the same experience, he didn't lose his mother, but the sentiment of having survived despite of adversity makes one grow up very quickly. It's also the sense of survivorship, and despite it all we are still hopeful. It also reflected a long struggle of mine - the self pity and swinging between inferior and superior complexity. I have no sympathies, and being more cerebral than others, I often intellectualise a problem. Yesterday in that conversation, I am starting to catch a glimpse of this person....and I understand now why people say I don't listen enough.

It is perhaps not a coincidence that the day I received news of having won an academic medal, I also received a strange call from someone who would also show me the sum of the parts.

Perhaps it's also a reminder that I'm ready to see and be honest with what I see within me. Hubris often prevents us from taking our rose tinted glasses off and admit the ground below is thin ice.

It is also not a complete coincidence that the past week, people have been opening up to me, and how I've been telling them what my counsellor told me a long time ago - it takes great courage to admit you were wrong, you were young, and you made mistakes. Reflection is circular and as much as we listen, sometimes listening to others, we become healed in return.

The pieces of the broken glass now fits and I see my faces within each shard that people in my life have given me. It is not a complete mirror, complete with ornate frames. We are broken and some parts of us cannot mend.

We are also larger than the sum of our parts.

There is no person in the mirror, there are many selves in pieces, some of them we haven't even discovered yet.

The letter and the number

People usually say math is a language, and when I was younger at school, it was certainly as impenetrable as Sanskrit.

Fast forward to present times, my finance team struggle to structure a convincing email to ask my clients to pay, and my engineering university mates could not make a symphony out of words even if their lives depended on it.

Are verbal and numerical dexterities really so different, that we cannot grapple with both in tandem?

I suppose with the cheem words I've just used, it might be "yah duh?"

Many of my course mates in geography are put off by statistics, numbers and all sorts of numerical representations. A wall of text is our SOP. I've always found that amusing, because we're so infatuated with the written word, we completely close off ourselves to the other half of the world that speaks a different language. It might take more effort for me to fiddle with numbers and trust me, it wasn't an easy process. However it must be done or we risk alienating ourselves from having meaningful conversations with people very different from us.

On the other bank, people who work primarily with math and equation, can benefit greatly from the swaying power of words. Words behave like a seductive mistress, caressing your subconscious and draws you toward certain outcomes. The directness of math and the poetry of translating that into other aspects that keep our work going, cannot be understood and appreciated if business propositions are not written, emails not crafted and grant applications not filled out.

The sword and the shield are both equally important in battle. Increasingly I'm starting to read numbers and discursively analyse my campaign results by looking beyond the "text" and drawing links between cause and effect. Then explaining using words to rationally lay out the facts while at the same time phrase it in ways where clients can be convinced by both word and number.

We of course cannot straddle both well at the same time. I'm not suggesting we become extremely adept at both. But it's always good to explore what's on the other side and learn what we can to help enrich our own backyard.

Time Pte Ltd

My days have been sort of "opening" up months after my break up. When we revolve so much of our lives around our other half, inevitably, we forget to also spend time with ourselves, or worse still, our friends.

Recently, my social life has been packed - happily so. I've made so many new friends, some whom I've grown very fond of. I've also taken the time to catch up with my past.

Gradually so, I find my time increasingly blocked out (a term I learnt at work), and booked up. I had to turn down appointments, schedule my social life a month in advance. I apologetically have to turn away last minute call-ups, or even sheepishly suggest we meet for an hour when others have already cleared the whole day ahead for me.

It's not that I'm in high demand, or have a super fantastic social life. Neither am I popular (oh heaven forbid). However, it's kind of a snowball effect when you start meeting people, and before you know it, people want to meet you. How do we prioritise? I find myself in a position where I would love to meet everyone, but have very little time. I wish my pockets are as deep as time and I wished time was as plentiful as my will.

I also have to constantly remind myself to give time to myself - my "me" time to replenish and recharge. Usually when I feel obligated to meet someone, it's usually a sign that I need time out. It's not necessarily a sign that the person is a bore or a chore, just that I don't have the emotional and mental capacity to deal with him/her today. Battery at 20% doesn't function well.

Time is private and limited, more so if we treat time as currency, to selfishly hoard and traded, we will become more mindful of the things we do and who we do them with. Recently I choose my time with those that rejuvenate me, rather than those that drain.

"Where got time?"

In Mandarin, we say time is "dug out" (抽出来). It's true, time is given, blocked out, offered up because we value something that grows within the time spent with each other. It makes no sense to spend it on people who demand all of it but give nothing in return.

That's what I call a bad investment.

What is a bad choice?

Yesterday's conversation got me thinking about choices, namely bad ones, that we see our friends make that we know will adversely affect their lives.

What's a choice? For me, it's a decision we make where there's more than 1 outcome. So that's the objective definition, but when we add judgement, good/bad, the normative value measure becomes harder to define.

To the person making the choice, it may seem good while to opinion of others, they see nothing but disaster coming. This may be proven true, at the same time, there's a chance that the "bad" choice turns out to be admirable foresight with the benefit of hindsight.

At the heart of the issue, the very core of it, is information. Any good business decision is made with having credible information translated into usable knowledge. It is the same with our personal lives as well, how do we know that our choices will most likely turn out well, is the kind of credible and reliable information from people around us who have themselves gone through similar experiences, or have friends who had, and are also sincere in sharing their knowledge without the necessary exaggerations.

We hear of stories of people who "despite all" went with "their gut" and did the thing they wanted anyway. There's an incredible amount of (*cough defensive) people who use this as an excuse to ignore the wise counsel of their loved ones (people like me actually). I never for a moment these successful people were that wise and far sighted to have made it on their own. It is human to be insecure and doubt, and I am convinced that they must have a close circle of friends or family whom they trust to have affirmed or advised them along the way. "Despite all", I feel refers to the group of haters-gotta-be-haters who delight from the failure of others. I mean, honestly I could hardly acknowledge that as proper advice.

So if it's knowledge and information (wisdom and knowledge) that allows us to make choices, and with the best possible outcome, then why do so many of us resist the advice of (wiser) others?

What makes us so damn defensive?

Off the top of my head? The truth hurts. It stings in a special place that reminds us we are human and we actually don't really know any better. In this society where knowledge is just a Google away, where instagram and facebook tells us we're awesome with a couple of likes, arrogance is at an all time high. We cannot relent to the fact that we are weak, stumbling and sometimes need others to pick ourselves up.

So we rather make bad choices and hope for a good outcome so we can be comfortable in the ostrich-sized hole we dug for ourselves. It's the very definition of insanity, doing something over and over again in hopes of a different outcome.

The second reason I fear why people reject good advice to make good choices, is simply that we think our thoughts are more 'correct' than others. This is especially prevalent in people who have done well in life and continue to do so in spite of their own mistakes. It's again, arrogance that gives us this false cocoon. Friends who give advice suddenly find themselves devalued, because their ideas, which may be perfectly sound, are drowned out by the person who out-reason, out-articulate them. Of course, our friends can always speak better, have better logic, but the concern and their partial experience should nevertheless be respected enough for us to give some measure of thought.

We often make choices at critical cross roads, and I've believed for a long time (blame it on Marvel) that in the long run, those choices make who we are. We don't necessarily have all the information, nor wisdom, to make choices that we can be sure if. Sometimes people on the outside see it clearer because they have critical distance, and being less emotionally vested allows for clarity of a unique kind. The kind that see things for what they are, and may even offer other insights hidden from us due to our cloud if passion and self-centeredness.

At the end of the day, while we walk alone in this path, we are not alone in the forest. Seek counsel of the trees, at least listen and consider, for they are there to shelter you. Those trees are our friends, concerned colleagues and family. And they are tall in experience to know what's ahead, or at least know what's above your head. It is true there are falsehoods amongst those who stand with you, the only way we know is to gain lessons from mistakes moving forward and gradually we can tell the trees apart, from the young saplings who know little, to the wise knores of willows who can and will guide.

Try not to let a couple of bad trees dissuade you from making the best choices to the best possible outcome, even when the outcome may not be immediately apparent. Don't miss the forest for the trees, don't mistake and blame the messenger for the message.

What keeps you going today?

Good morning fellow salaried citizens,

As I ride the train to work, between the impossible squeeze and torrid weather, I ask myself, what drags me out of bed every morning at 6.30am?

Is it the endless bills and debts I've accrued, or the nagging worry that I might not have enough for my old age? Or is it my aging parents whom I have to support, or the pride in being part of the "working force"?

What keeps us going?

I have long doubted the career I'm in, and I thought I was alone. And then I spoke to many of my peers and many don't seem to know what they are going about either. We seem to bumble along, finding the next opportunity to skip and hop, until we finally find the sweet spot we could then finally settle - if we're lucky.

Many of my peers express a reluctance to go to work in the morning, and display a similar degree of joy when there's a public holiday or when a long leave break is coming up.

We work for survival, we work to keep ourselves financially afloat - our eyes shine when we see the monthly paycheck come in, only to also have it shine in tears when it flows down the drain within the same month.

So back to my question, what keeps us going?

For some, it's their family and children, the exchange of money to bring their families comfort gives them a sense of pride and responsibility. The insurmountable fulfilment you can give. Yet others are content with the material pleasures their money brings, the occasional pamperings and having freedom to be able to buy almost anything they'll like. Those that work for peanuts, and also asked to perform like monkeys who see themselvew work for a higher cause. They plough through the dirty and demeaning because they know their work holds purpose. It is duty that carries them through.

What do I work for? Honestly I don't know. Most times, it's auto-pilot that I wake up 6.30am, collect my paycheck on the 23 of every month, and pay my bills shortly a week after. Other times I relish in the warm companionship of my colleagues, and think "life isn't so bad". Some times I walk down the CBD feeling lucky to have a full time position here where it all happens. On rare instances, when shit hits the fan and there's no cover, I am filled with doubts if this brittle façade is really something that brings me joy and happiness.

A job, in all intents and purposes, does not bring joy. What does bring us fulfilment, is knowing who we are working for, who we are working with, and ultimately it's all about the people you meet and care for. I find it exceedingly idealistic when someone said "find a job you're passionate in". Yes, nonetheless it's true, we should find a job we are at least somewhat passionate in, but not because the job will make you happy, but because you'll join a community of like-minded individuals. People who speak and listen like you, they may even dress like you, or see things the same way. You will never have to work another day, if your work is surrounded by supportive individuals who make the workplace home as much as your own family does. It is a feeling of belonging we crave when we work in an industry that we're passionate in.

I wake up every morning because there's something to solve, a goal to work towards to. I push through the fog of sleep because I know there are people at work who understands the difficulties I'm facing, who have the same wavelength as I. Some days are harder than most, and until the day when most days are harder than some, I see myself keeping calm and carrying on.

It's the little things that get to you, the alarm in in the morning, the tough times in the office. But hang in there, and soldier on, you are not alone. We are all in this huge foreign world together.

The pursuit of peace

I think mundane every-day history, revealed that we are a very unrestful race. From Buddha's journey to find nirvana - the state of everlasting peace and serenity - to Judeo-Christian doctrine to find peace amongst ourselves and in God, this illustrious quality in life have always been overshadowed by the more positive, more active pursuit of happyness.

Happyness - a state of elation, fulfillment and satisfaction. It is a state where one seeks to be happy, to perform actions to then achieve that state. Like a good panadol, the effects are immediately felt, no matter long difficult the journey it took to get there.

However there is always a sense of uneasiness. How long will happiness last? And like the musical Wicked reminds us, at what cost? What whose cost did we pay or others near and dear have to pay for this?

Ultimately life will always throw a wrench in our plans, and happiness and sadness come and go. Perhaps active states are not what we look for, but a state of being still in the midst of rushing water. It is not the same as relenting to one's fate, but to do what we can and accept whatever the consequences that occur that are out of our power to control.

I have given what I could to A job, and if the rewards are still not justified by industry standards, then that is out of my control. Instead of vexing over say, the lost of my memory (an entirely senior moment) that cost my team time and money, we can choose to be let the mistake go and learn from it. To find peace with myself is to learn how to let go all recognition and blame, to understand to some extend we are responsible and the rest was all up to the incalculable odds of probability.

Peace to me, are the little things in life - the mundane mistress of the everyday the gives us strength to take it 1 day at a time. It is an especially elusive mistress because our everyday is filled with distractions that clouds her presence and like a perfectly concealed optical illusion, we only see because we are in the right frame of mind.

A friend once told me she felt being successful in life is to be a peace. It might seem odd - but not anymore now after more thought because all the money and power cannot trade in for a good night's sleep. It is far more difficult than happiness and it is also no surprise we often relate happiness and peace, the twins of what we really want in life.

A lesson in the vocabulary of Empathy

These couple of days, I find myself being on the other end of a listening ear - career troubles, personal woes, insecurities and the like. It struck me how far I've come along, to be able to just listen and take in everything when just a week ago, I was doing everything but.

I have been accused of not being able to listen, and more so not being able to understand. I think this habit of judging is masked under the excuse of problem solving, when in fact I find it comfortable to judge from afar and dissociate myself from the situation. When it comes to problems that need solving, such an attitude is at an advantage. However, when it comes to putting myself in other people's shoes, all I could do was to critique how the colour of the socks goes wrongly with the shoes.

I think yesterday and today, I took a different step - I have decided to be more aware of what the person's trying to tell me. A good friend of mine told me, that people often know the answers for the questions they ask, and when they reach out, they really are just looking to you to understand and in their moment of weakness, lean on you.

It's true, and on hindsight, my friends often have decided their course of action and my "advice" is affirming and supportive - and while I may not agree, ultimately it's something that I keep in private. It is their time to speak, and so I've learn that keeping silent about my own opinions about their course of action is not essential, it is mandatory. It is the same, when I seek others for help - the last thing I want is a break down of 10 other ways I could have managed the situation better. I seek for comfort and understanding - a friendly hug and a warm smile to tell me everything is going to be okay.

It's the vocabulary of empathy that I need to build - amongst my linguistically ones, because ultimately people communicate with each other with more than just words.

I've chosen to act differently today - to share my stories when someone is sharing with me how hard it is to work-study a degree at the same time. I've chosen to show support and belief in a friend who feels that his career is going nowhere because of a glass ceiling. I've chosen to be thankful that they confided in me, and not take that trust and betray it by instilling my opinions of them which may hinder their spiritual recovery. I've chosen to be kind - and it took me a long way to finally realise what it means to listen.