There are some people in our lives, we want to desperately hold on to, whether it's a friend, a lover or a co-worker. It hurts more for someone to leave us, than for us to leave someone behind.
So we try, very hard, to hang on to them, do everything within our power to make them stay, or have them connect with you. Mostly we will fail, and the emptiness that ensues haunts us for the length of days.
Perhaps people leave us for a reason, reasons that are not apparent to us yet. Maybe when people walk out of our lives, they are doing us a favour - to teach us an important lesson we must learn, and to take that lesson forward so we might become better people. We always see loss as a negative thing, something to be avoided at all cost. I want to think of it as renewal of our lives - as we change, so do the people around us.
For a long time, I have moved on from a lot of people, and many people have moved on from me too. Those that stay with me, are a few whom I had the fortune of growing together - although our paths are different, but we are all roots of the same tree.
It will always hurt to let someone go - especially someone you cared deeply about. It's even harder to let someone go knowing they are in pain, they are hurting because of you, and to cut out contact with those whom you once shared a life with. Saying goodbye is can be meaningful and it will always be something we carry in our hearts. They are landmarks through the course of our lives, to identify the pivotal moments where we've changed, and the adversities we're gone through. We may say goodbye to our old selves and the people we used to associate with, because our life view changes.
There are some goodbyes that are forced upon us, be it a heart break or a death of someone we love dearly. It is a painful and permanent reminder that life is too short to not give thanks to those we have around us presently, and to cherish each and everyone who walked in our lives.
Don't cry because it's gone, smile because it happened.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
How do I find meaning in happiness
Before I start, the title might somewhat be misleading because you might think that it's a self-help type of post. In actual fact, it's the exact opposite.
___________________________
How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 8 that,
My bodyweight was not perfect.
How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 12 that,
My results were never good enough to go into a school I wanted.
How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 16 that,
The best of friends will turn you away because they couldn't take your truths.
How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 17 that,
The friends later regret because you were a threat to them.
How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 18 that,
I was good enough just to be the best, but I wasn't good enough for the rest.
How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 19 that,
My family will never be able to afford me to fulfil my dreams.
How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 19 that,
Very same year I blamed my family, I would also lose my mum.
I regret.
How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 20 that,
The people supposed to support you have instead betrayed you and broke your family apart.
How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 21 that,
My first brush with society out there was a lawyer who cheated my family's money.
How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 22 that,
All the hard work I've put in, will never amount to being bright enough to be accepted.
How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 23 that,
People can lie to you with smiles on their faces.
How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 24 that,
Most men only want to selfishly feel good about themselves.
How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 25 that,
I've driven away the very person who made me undoubtedly happy in all other ways.
All the years, all these timesites,
I've forgotten how to find meaning in happiness.
All the people in my life in the past and present,
Have all tried to show me more than sadness,
And yet all I could think of was self-pity.
Simply because I did not know how to find meaning in happiness.
__________________________________________
Misery loves company, and I think I've become so familar with sadness, disappointment and betrayals, it is easier to self-blame and pin it on "just another lesson to learn" than to truly live in the moment and be happy about it.
I build walls to keep my feelings to myself because I assumed no one will understand me. When someone is reaching out - it is far more familiar to judge from afar, blame from afar, and solve the problem than to make myself vulnerable to the other. To feel together.
I'm afraid to feel - because most of my life, I've only felt pain. Subconsciously my mind drives me to enjoy pain, and suffer pleasure because I can deal with the former but the latter scares me. I felt undeserving, that happiness - after all I've experienced - is something that only happens to other people. I've hurt so much since my mum's illness, that I was resigned to a lifetime of melancholy.
What if I am disappointed again? What if I'm hurt again? What if one day, I can no longer pick myself up again? What if people tell me I'm not good enough?
All the what-ifs and why-me have manifested itself into this formidable fortress, fortified with pride and intellect, it has driven people away either in fear or in awe. It has cost me dearly, and this time I am paying the price of it. I deserve to be happy, to love, to feel, to empathise, to open myself and let others in.
I long to feel one day, to make my life slightly messy because it's worth it.
Some people, are worth it.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Choices
A heart break is a literal thing - it's not a metaphor as much as it is a richly accurate description of the pain and disappointment when one goes through it. It doesn't always refer to the complications one faces in or at the end of a romantic relationship, but also the end of a life of someone we love, or the separation of two siblings, friends or comrades.
It is easy to become angry with the world, turn cynical and bitter at how life has treated us - and become even more angry at ourselves because of this innate helplessness we feel when we realise circumstances beyond our control has brought us to this state. We want to receive the help when friends tell us "let me know if I can do anything", we assert ever more agency in light of situations that are going out of control. It demands that we act, do, wield power over the mess of the nuclear fallout. It insists that we take control over things.
When it comes to affairs of the heart, we become stunted because we cannot control, cannot act, what more do. Instead of doing, we have to listen - to our friends and those who will be there for us. To take in not only the words of comfort, but the extension of compassion from a human being to another. Knowing that someone will be there for us, regardless of our mental state is something I will try never to take for granted. The wait will be painful and the nights will be harsh. Our minds will itch for a solution, or a resolution and our hearts will want closure. I found peace with myself after I relinquished the desire to want a person back. I could have wished ill for the people that left me, but isn't holding on to anger much like drinking poison but expecting the other person to die (from Buddha)? Detachment from another person is painful - my mum's stroke taught me that, and it's giving up part of you and understanding that you'll never get it back. So don't - let it go, and the part that grows from you again will be beautiful as well.
I think I'm starting to understand the sayings of Buddhism a lot more now, and appreciate the value of letting go of desire. Nothing is truly permanent and attachment to things and people become a drug where the withdrawal is twice as much as the initial pain. Pain is there for a reason, it tells us something bad has happened to our body, it forces chemical reactions to start the healing process. Why should our minds be any different. Perhaps the break in the heart is there to tell us that some part deeper in our consciousness needs healing - and the situations that we're undergoing now are symptoms manifesting because somehow we've reached a threshold of tolerance. The dam is breaking, so let it flood our eyes. Let us ride out the pain and then let it go for all to heal. Forgive our mistakes, and all our past wrong-doings for we were not wise enough as today to see what the consequences of our actions have caused. We are wiser today, and will continue to be wiser tomorrow . And even if the mistakes is committed again, we can only tell ourselves we have chosen not to learn, and we have to learn to cope with that choice.
These 2 weeks have been rough - having relationship problems where the end seems nigh, and my mum hospitalised for pneumonia with her life hanging on oxygen for now. It seems that everything that can go wrong has. It doesn't help that my father is overseas and the one I used to turn to is facing personal issues of his own. But over the days, I've realised from the nuggets of conversations with my friends, we are all going through our own wars - and they have given me their time and love to help me through mine. I'm eternally grateful and thankful for the support my friends, and colleagues during these trying times. Encouragement can be hollow from those who do not mean well. It is twice as hurting to hear from someone who asks you "how are you?" only to have to give an obligatory answer that "I'll be okay". The question is not an invitation for us to open our hearts, but an assurance for the person who asked the question that their universe is still okay. My universe is not okay - not now, and I'm beyond giving a damn to give the obligated answer that I'm "okay". Real friends don't want to know you're okay, they know when you are okay.
To borrow a quote from the motto of Paris, "Fluctuat nec mergitur" - Il est agité par les vagues, et ne sombre pas. To translate the french translation of the latin phrase it simply means: she is tossed by the waves but does not sink. We're all bumbling along, with only stars for navigation on a good day, and the rest of the times we are constantly changing courses. Life is pointless that way, I guess the only thing I can really come to terms with, is just to enjoy the ride and the view while it lasts.
It is easy to become angry with the world, turn cynical and bitter at how life has treated us - and become even more angry at ourselves because of this innate helplessness we feel when we realise circumstances beyond our control has brought us to this state. We want to receive the help when friends tell us "let me know if I can do anything", we assert ever more agency in light of situations that are going out of control. It demands that we act, do, wield power over the mess of the nuclear fallout. It insists that we take control over things.
When it comes to affairs of the heart, we become stunted because we cannot control, cannot act, what more do. Instead of doing, we have to listen - to our friends and those who will be there for us. To take in not only the words of comfort, but the extension of compassion from a human being to another. Knowing that someone will be there for us, regardless of our mental state is something I will try never to take for granted. The wait will be painful and the nights will be harsh. Our minds will itch for a solution, or a resolution and our hearts will want closure. I found peace with myself after I relinquished the desire to want a person back. I could have wished ill for the people that left me, but isn't holding on to anger much like drinking poison but expecting the other person to die (from Buddha)? Detachment from another person is painful - my mum's stroke taught me that, and it's giving up part of you and understanding that you'll never get it back. So don't - let it go, and the part that grows from you again will be beautiful as well.
I think I'm starting to understand the sayings of Buddhism a lot more now, and appreciate the value of letting go of desire. Nothing is truly permanent and attachment to things and people become a drug where the withdrawal is twice as much as the initial pain. Pain is there for a reason, it tells us something bad has happened to our body, it forces chemical reactions to start the healing process. Why should our minds be any different. Perhaps the break in the heart is there to tell us that some part deeper in our consciousness needs healing - and the situations that we're undergoing now are symptoms manifesting because somehow we've reached a threshold of tolerance. The dam is breaking, so let it flood our eyes. Let us ride out the pain and then let it go for all to heal. Forgive our mistakes, and all our past wrong-doings for we were not wise enough as today to see what the consequences of our actions have caused. We are wiser today, and will continue to be wiser tomorrow . And even if the mistakes is committed again, we can only tell ourselves we have chosen not to learn, and we have to learn to cope with that choice.
These 2 weeks have been rough - having relationship problems where the end seems nigh, and my mum hospitalised for pneumonia with her life hanging on oxygen for now. It seems that everything that can go wrong has. It doesn't help that my father is overseas and the one I used to turn to is facing personal issues of his own. But over the days, I've realised from the nuggets of conversations with my friends, we are all going through our own wars - and they have given me their time and love to help me through mine. I'm eternally grateful and thankful for the support my friends, and colleagues during these trying times. Encouragement can be hollow from those who do not mean well. It is twice as hurting to hear from someone who asks you "how are you?" only to have to give an obligatory answer that "I'll be okay". The question is not an invitation for us to open our hearts, but an assurance for the person who asked the question that their universe is still okay. My universe is not okay - not now, and I'm beyond giving a damn to give the obligated answer that I'm "okay". Real friends don't want to know you're okay, they know when you are okay.
To borrow a quote from the motto of Paris, "Fluctuat nec mergitur" - Il est agité par les vagues, et ne sombre pas. To translate the french translation of the latin phrase it simply means: she is tossed by the waves but does not sink. We're all bumbling along, with only stars for navigation on a good day, and the rest of the times we are constantly changing courses. Life is pointless that way, I guess the only thing I can really come to terms with, is just to enjoy the ride and the view while it lasts.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
How not to make careless mistakes (again)
Today I've gotten a really bad case of dressing down from my colleague. It has been the case of too many "I told you so", "why didn't you remember this", and "what's the point of telling you so many times?". The ultimatum has been given, and I want to ensure that this doesn't become a habit. I need to urgently reflect upon what has happened, and the game plan to change it. So here goes.
1. I assume too much.
Granted, it's both my strength and weakness. I catch on things very fast, once I have a structure in place, I can be left to figure out the rest on my own. The downside of that is I also make a whole lot of assumptions and I think they stem from the fact that I subconsciously think that others will not be able to help me, so I leap to the conclusion that I know best. It's a subtle manifestation of arrogance that has led to serious consequences.
So attitudinally, I need to start thinking of how I can make sure I don't rush through my thinking and leap to conclusions about things. I'm gonna ask myself 3 questions: If I know this fully, can I do this without checking back with others? What other information do I need or have to find out? Why do I feel I can do this?
I need to stop having misplaced sense of self-confidence.
2. I take things for granted.
From my previous point about false self-confidence is putting too much trust in my own work. It used to be that I can complete something and hand it up - and still get good grades/reviews for it. However, now the stakes are higher and I can no longer trust myself to hand in work and not afford to check through them. Everything I do has to be be checked. So that means: -
For emails: read them out loud before sending. If i have a funny feeling in my gut, walk away before replying. Fresh eyes or check with someone before sending it.
For admin work: If it's a huge report, always look through it the next day to catch whatever mistakes I missed. Stop having the tunnel vision attitude and really really make sure I leave no rows unchecked, no columns unmarked and no boxes empty.
For work processes: I realised this is a symptom of a larger problem which is...
3. I need to have a personal stake in my work.
I meant this both as a command and a source of reflection. I've been wondering why I could perform so well in the past and the answer was glaringly in my face.
I was at the centre of all the projects I did well in, with patient people working with me. This time, the project was initiated by someone else, carried on and then passed to me. So inheriting a project has its challenges out of all is the sense of having a personal stake at the project we are taking over.
I need to make it mine, and to make it mine - it means I need to find some kind of personal stake. In the past it was because I was working with my friends or people I know well. Now, it's a strange environment with conditions out of my comfort zone - I need to find my footing again. So this is what I'm going to do:
My personal stake is in my colleagues and professional family: I owe it to them to do good work if not they will suffer. And seeing how much pain uncaring can result in, I should not become like them.
My personal stake in my work is the very fact that this is meaningful work, and I should be passionate about the brands I'm working on, or at the very least, care enough to know that many people out there will see the message, take advantage of the current sale fare, opportunity, or even take away some inspiration from the advertising messages I'm putting out. It's about engaging a community and creating communities through my work. I think having this social meaning is an important meta-driver that will fundamentally change the way I see my work.
In the past, I didn't see my work as important, and being very junior in the company, it is inevitable to feel insignificant and have a "let-go" attitude. However, I'm grossly mistaken because I"m expected to also have a stake, and my bosses want my input in many things. So I should take this as an opportunity to consider adding my stake in this meaningful work.
4. I need to constantly remind myself that mistakes occur all the time, but every incident is a lesson learnt, not a bucket of tears.
Today I wept a little because I was grossly disappointed in myself for being such a loser. The whole negativity just kicked in and almost triggered a downward spiral. I was being frustrated at myself for messing up big time and dragging someone's wits and stress levels up at my carelessness.
I think it's also a moment of realisation after the fact (to be specific, 8 hours later), that my negativity is going nowhere. It's not gonna help me, and I want very much to get out of the rut. I've tried objectively to look at this and see what a lesson I can draw from. First and foremost I think I learnt more about myself, and coming to these conclusions is already a good step forward. Secondly, I understood how my supervisor felt, and I appreciate her honestly in sharing her feelings with me. Thirdly, I learnt how to recover from criticism when in the past I would have just crumbled away.
So from now on: I'm gonna take a break by taking a walk to cool down before coming back to continue with my current work when I feel like the dam is breaking. If I'm feeling really vexed due to a bad day, I need to go somewhere to air the bad vibes before attacking the issue again - I would.
________________________________
It's such a challenge to step out of one's comfort zone to attack something that you've never tried before. Having to unlearn and re-learn new things after being so deeply entrenched in school is something that most people will find a challenge. I need to constantly remind myself that it's a bad patch we all have to go through some day - and the constant faith that this will lead to a better place is something I'm holding on to. Like what my supervisor said, as new things come in, the things I'm weak at will never fade, but what we can do is grow the list of things that I'm good at.
I think fundamentally, it stems from having a personal stake in things, and after that usually the rest will follow. But until then, I'll just have to be extra careful by asking myself those questions and pacing down my work before submission.
1. I assume too much.
Granted, it's both my strength and weakness. I catch on things very fast, once I have a structure in place, I can be left to figure out the rest on my own. The downside of that is I also make a whole lot of assumptions and I think they stem from the fact that I subconsciously think that others will not be able to help me, so I leap to the conclusion that I know best. It's a subtle manifestation of arrogance that has led to serious consequences.
So attitudinally, I need to start thinking of how I can make sure I don't rush through my thinking and leap to conclusions about things. I'm gonna ask myself 3 questions: If I know this fully, can I do this without checking back with others? What other information do I need or have to find out? Why do I feel I can do this?
I need to stop having misplaced sense of self-confidence.
2. I take things for granted.
From my previous point about false self-confidence is putting too much trust in my own work. It used to be that I can complete something and hand it up - and still get good grades/reviews for it. However, now the stakes are higher and I can no longer trust myself to hand in work and not afford to check through them. Everything I do has to be be checked. So that means: -
For emails: read them out loud before sending. If i have a funny feeling in my gut, walk away before replying. Fresh eyes or check with someone before sending it.
For admin work: If it's a huge report, always look through it the next day to catch whatever mistakes I missed. Stop having the tunnel vision attitude and really really make sure I leave no rows unchecked, no columns unmarked and no boxes empty.
For work processes: I realised this is a symptom of a larger problem which is...
3. I need to have a personal stake in my work.
I meant this both as a command and a source of reflection. I've been wondering why I could perform so well in the past and the answer was glaringly in my face.
I was at the centre of all the projects I did well in, with patient people working with me. This time, the project was initiated by someone else, carried on and then passed to me. So inheriting a project has its challenges out of all is the sense of having a personal stake at the project we are taking over.
I need to make it mine, and to make it mine - it means I need to find some kind of personal stake. In the past it was because I was working with my friends or people I know well. Now, it's a strange environment with conditions out of my comfort zone - I need to find my footing again. So this is what I'm going to do:
My personal stake is in my colleagues and professional family: I owe it to them to do good work if not they will suffer. And seeing how much pain uncaring can result in, I should not become like them.
My personal stake in my work is the very fact that this is meaningful work, and I should be passionate about the brands I'm working on, or at the very least, care enough to know that many people out there will see the message, take advantage of the current sale fare, opportunity, or even take away some inspiration from the advertising messages I'm putting out. It's about engaging a community and creating communities through my work. I think having this social meaning is an important meta-driver that will fundamentally change the way I see my work.
In the past, I didn't see my work as important, and being very junior in the company, it is inevitable to feel insignificant and have a "let-go" attitude. However, I'm grossly mistaken because I"m expected to also have a stake, and my bosses want my input in many things. So I should take this as an opportunity to consider adding my stake in this meaningful work.
4. I need to constantly remind myself that mistakes occur all the time, but every incident is a lesson learnt, not a bucket of tears.
Today I wept a little because I was grossly disappointed in myself for being such a loser. The whole negativity just kicked in and almost triggered a downward spiral. I was being frustrated at myself for messing up big time and dragging someone's wits and stress levels up at my carelessness.
I think it's also a moment of realisation after the fact (to be specific, 8 hours later), that my negativity is going nowhere. It's not gonna help me, and I want very much to get out of the rut. I've tried objectively to look at this and see what a lesson I can draw from. First and foremost I think I learnt more about myself, and coming to these conclusions is already a good step forward. Secondly, I understood how my supervisor felt, and I appreciate her honestly in sharing her feelings with me. Thirdly, I learnt how to recover from criticism when in the past I would have just crumbled away.
So from now on: I'm gonna take a break by taking a walk to cool down before coming back to continue with my current work when I feel like the dam is breaking. If I'm feeling really vexed due to a bad day, I need to go somewhere to air the bad vibes before attacking the issue again - I would.
________________________________
It's such a challenge to step out of one's comfort zone to attack something that you've never tried before. Having to unlearn and re-learn new things after being so deeply entrenched in school is something that most people will find a challenge. I need to constantly remind myself that it's a bad patch we all have to go through some day - and the constant faith that this will lead to a better place is something I'm holding on to. Like what my supervisor said, as new things come in, the things I'm weak at will never fade, but what we can do is grow the list of things that I'm good at.
I think fundamentally, it stems from having a personal stake in things, and after that usually the rest will follow. But until then, I'll just have to be extra careful by asking myself those questions and pacing down my work before submission.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
The importance of being earnest
It's been a long time since I've written, or have typed anything on my keyboard that does not start with
"Hi [insert client name],
Kindly find the [file name] as attached.
[Insert sign off of choice]
Claudia Wong"
I have had urges to publish in-between this dry bout of writing, but the ideas will not flow and some how after writing my thesis, it seems even more difficult to write personally, fluently and freely. I've literally started working 1 week after my thesis submission, and many have thought me insane to start working so soon. However, with mounting debts, ageing parents and escalating financial commitments (insurance premiums cost a BOMB), there is little choice in the matter.
I'm jumping ahead but I would like to say that these 2.5 months of working have brought so much insight, happiness and frustration. Choosing to do my masters was a decision I'll not regret, but it doesn't mean it comes without consequences.
Well, for starters, it's not easy to take instructions from someone who has had 3 years of experience ahead of you, but is the same age/slightly older than you. They are not your friends, nor are they your buddies. They sit above me and handle accounts/problems higher than my pay grade. The struggles of feeling impotent despite being higher qualified is something that caught me off-guard. There is a difference between saying you'll learn from the bottom and actually doing it.
Having said, it is not to say that masters students are "looked down", we just have to cope without the privileges we're used to in an institution. Here, we are infants.
And on that note I've been making so many mistakes at work - some involuntary, some voluntary, some contextual. It's hard to explain without violating confidentiality. But generally, I feel I can do better, but can't because I just don't have enough experience. It's not about who has the skill set, but rather who understands the processes better. The latter is truly down to experience - which puts me, a fresh masters student, at a disadvantage. On one hand, I am expected to do better than a fresh graduate, and on the other, I am also new so mistakes are bound to happen. What is worse, is that we now don't work alone. Many things we take for granted: our own system of naming files, how we organise our raw data etc. Just today I was told that I can't put rates in a bar chart and absolute volume in line graphs because it doesn't make sense mathematically. It seems obvious now, but during then, it wasn't - and it's all down to experience.
Having a prolonged education has made me more patient and more observant - especially given the training as a social scientist. However, the feeling of being in this place is truly like an infant being thrust into the noisy and bright world with strange faces staring down at you. As a baby, you take in everything and one's sense get so overwhelmed, the brain's reaction is to numb and shut down. That was exactly what I did during my first few weeks here, and in some ways I shut down when the information becomes overwhelming. This shut-down mentality is bad because I'll miss out things and instead of compartmentalising, I should be extending and linking processes.
It's like learning all over again.
And gosh it's exhilarating.
When we communicate with others, we sometimes forget to communicate with ourselves - to negotiate the processes within when we are confronted with an entirely new environment. These spaces and worlds are so emic, it is very difficult to explain to anyone who is not in the same place as you. I suppose that's why it's hard to explain our work to anyone, because words is a pale metaphor of the challenges that lie within the day-to-day of those who actually work there.
In any case, my weaknesses in work are exposed precisely because the environment demands from me my best. When I asked for a challenging career, I need to keep reminding myself that in every challenge, we are called to do our best and in the process of doing so, we also show our worst. Unfortunately, the former is taken for granted and the latter is not tolerated. Recently, I regret starting too early, because the break is definitely much required to reset my outlook. This "work as a break from academia" is not good, and I find my current work suffering. It is difficult to let research go, and at the same time with pressing financial concerns, I cannot undertake a PhD right away. Now being in this career, it's like I've finally lived the pages of the books I've read about. The sad thing is, I can never really share my analysis with anyone because the academese will probably turn my colleagues off. It's a delicate liminal position of living between two worlds and can I do both exceedingly well? Unfortunately, the answer is increasingly - No.
To be honest, I miss academia because of the freedom and individuality. However, at the same time practical matters have pretty much dictated my fate for me - and in a way, this current path isn't all bad, and I just have to embrace it fully in my heart. That will take time and hopefully, not too much as well.
But the learning never stops, and gosh I hope it never will.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Employing some reflexivity
So I've ended my job hunt (phew) so finally, I can settle back to finishing the last leg of my thesis. As some of my friends have helpfully reminded me, I've come a long way and it's foolish to give up now. I have been tempted to move on to the "next big thing" but I owe it to myself to write a kickass paper for submission.
The reason for that temptation, is how utterly eye-opening this whole experience was. I have formerly written about some self-discovery moments as I walk through different doors for interviews in my previous post. After wrapping up what must be months of knocking on doors, and stressing if you'll be getting The Interview, there are a couple things I gathered from this entire process.
1. It doesn't matter, your education certificate is a membership card.
I am a hardcore believer that every discipline is useful and important in framing our critical understandings of society. I am also a firm advocate that taking your studies seriously in University is something every student should do.
However, the aim of taking your studies seriously shouldn't be done in the hopes that you can impress your future employers with your shiny new certificate and accompanying transcript.
Truth is, no one cares. I have worked my ass off 2 years in graduate school to get a 30,000 dissertation, with complex arguments and theories. However, none of my employers have quizzed me about the work I've done and questioned how those skills are transferrable.
Employers already know certain universities have a reputation for certain calibre of students, and those mindsets don't change.
(P.s. I didn't come from a good junior college, and there was a managing director who assumed that I didn't have a good command of the English Language because my GP was a C. I mean dude, that's 7 years ago? Plus, I don't see how I can be admitted into NUS's Geography without having awesome language skills.)
Well, bottom-line is that university is a gym, and your brains are the muscles you lift so that you have the capacity to go on to do other tasks. It might sound utilitarian, but doing other tasks does not always refer to economic activities. It is also social - change the way we treat others, cultural - more compassion towards difference, and of course personal - finding answers to some of the roadblocks we felt earlier in our lives.
Education, especially higher education, is a privilege. Not an entitlement. It gives your education a bad taste in the mouth if we act as if we "deserve" to certain set of benefits. Bitch please.
2. Passion is overrated.
Passion is not an excuse for mistakes made on the job. It is not an excuse to not take your OTJ training seriously. You know how those reality shows where they show contestants being bitter about leaving because they felt that others who were selected to remain didn't have as much passion? We always judge the person as being a "sour grape" but in the end, we commit the same problem when we invoke passion as justification for higher rewards. It is a mask for self-entitlement.
People also ask me, why not continue teaching since I've done it for a long time, and I am also good at the job. Well, to use a somewhat cheesy analogy. Sometimes you have to leave a person, no matter how much fun times you've had, because you know in the long run things are not going to work out. It's the same with my attitude towards passion in one's career. True enough, we must be interested in what we do, and at least have a healthy dose of curiosity over the career we're in. However, passion and love are very different things. We love what do we, despite its ups and downs, bad and good. We love someone because of the tough times we've been through together. So passion is necessary in the beginning, but perseverance is needed to make it into a job you love. I respect people who do that, no matter what job they have, because really, who are we to judge.
(p.s. I do not regret not signing my name on that line all those years ago. It's still one of the best decisions I've made. I am still passionate, but I'm also passionate about a lot of other things.)
3. Not all that glitters is gold.
The word "con" comes from the slang use of "confidence" and thus when you've been conned into the something, it's about betraying that sense of confidence (in something). So technically, employers and employees alike are out to build your confidence about their abilities. It only becomes a con when that claim do not match up with reality. In that regard, it's always easy to buy into something because as a prospective employee, we are not the ones in power. It's also a problem of information asymmetry because we are not in the job to realise the challenges they face.
That's why people compare pay and benefits, because these are tangible things we can measure. However, don't let that distract you from the other more shadowy parts of the job. I am a great believer of organisational fit. The work does not matter as the people you work with, because ultimately, new opportunities rise in time and space and job description change all the time.
We are going to spend a large part of our adult lives around the people we work with, so while pay and benefits may seem nice at first, do not be "conned" into a bad toxic environment. I have learnt that once we are "in", no amount of pay is going to make up for the unnecessary stress and tears.
(p.s. I went for an interview with an employer who promised me that I can be making 5,000 a month in a year. Later I found out that it was a MLM marketing company that promised people that if they sold enough keychains door-to-door, they will be able to work their way up the ladder and get high pay by managing a "team".)
The reason for that temptation, is how utterly eye-opening this whole experience was. I have formerly written about some self-discovery moments as I walk through different doors for interviews in my previous post. After wrapping up what must be months of knocking on doors, and stressing if you'll be getting The Interview, there are a couple things I gathered from this entire process.
1. It doesn't matter, your education certificate is a membership card.
I am a hardcore believer that every discipline is useful and important in framing our critical understandings of society. I am also a firm advocate that taking your studies seriously in University is something every student should do.
However, the aim of taking your studies seriously shouldn't be done in the hopes that you can impress your future employers with your shiny new certificate and accompanying transcript.
Truth is, no one cares. I have worked my ass off 2 years in graduate school to get a 30,000 dissertation, with complex arguments and theories. However, none of my employers have quizzed me about the work I've done and questioned how those skills are transferrable.
Employers already know certain universities have a reputation for certain calibre of students, and those mindsets don't change.
(P.s. I didn't come from a good junior college, and there was a managing director who assumed that I didn't have a good command of the English Language because my GP was a C. I mean dude, that's 7 years ago? Plus, I don't see how I can be admitted into NUS's Geography without having awesome language skills.)
Well, bottom-line is that university is a gym, and your brains are the muscles you lift so that you have the capacity to go on to do other tasks. It might sound utilitarian, but doing other tasks does not always refer to economic activities. It is also social - change the way we treat others, cultural - more compassion towards difference, and of course personal - finding answers to some of the roadblocks we felt earlier in our lives.
Education, especially higher education, is a privilege. Not an entitlement. It gives your education a bad taste in the mouth if we act as if we "deserve" to certain set of benefits. Bitch please.
2. Passion is overrated.
Passion is not an excuse for mistakes made on the job. It is not an excuse to not take your OTJ training seriously. You know how those reality shows where they show contestants being bitter about leaving because they felt that others who were selected to remain didn't have as much passion? We always judge the person as being a "sour grape" but in the end, we commit the same problem when we invoke passion as justification for higher rewards. It is a mask for self-entitlement.
People also ask me, why not continue teaching since I've done it for a long time, and I am also good at the job. Well, to use a somewhat cheesy analogy. Sometimes you have to leave a person, no matter how much fun times you've had, because you know in the long run things are not going to work out. It's the same with my attitude towards passion in one's career. True enough, we must be interested in what we do, and at least have a healthy dose of curiosity over the career we're in. However, passion and love are very different things. We love what do we, despite its ups and downs, bad and good. We love someone because of the tough times we've been through together. So passion is necessary in the beginning, but perseverance is needed to make it into a job you love. I respect people who do that, no matter what job they have, because really, who are we to judge.
(p.s. I do not regret not signing my name on that line all those years ago. It's still one of the best decisions I've made. I am still passionate, but I'm also passionate about a lot of other things.)
3. Not all that glitters is gold.
The word "con" comes from the slang use of "confidence" and thus when you've been conned into the something, it's about betraying that sense of confidence (in something). So technically, employers and employees alike are out to build your confidence about their abilities. It only becomes a con when that claim do not match up with reality. In that regard, it's always easy to buy into something because as a prospective employee, we are not the ones in power. It's also a problem of information asymmetry because we are not in the job to realise the challenges they face.
That's why people compare pay and benefits, because these are tangible things we can measure. However, don't let that distract you from the other more shadowy parts of the job. I am a great believer of organisational fit. The work does not matter as the people you work with, because ultimately, new opportunities rise in time and space and job description change all the time.
We are going to spend a large part of our adult lives around the people we work with, so while pay and benefits may seem nice at first, do not be "conned" into a bad toxic environment. I have learnt that once we are "in", no amount of pay is going to make up for the unnecessary stress and tears.
(p.s. I went for an interview with an employer who promised me that I can be making 5,000 a month in a year. Later I found out that it was a MLM marketing company that promised people that if they sold enough keychains door-to-door, they will be able to work their way up the ladder and get high pay by managing a "team".)
Monday, July 14, 2014
Seeking Employment
This is (part of) the story of my job-search thus far.
I've gone through all the phases of a job-seeker except the last one. Exhiliaration of first "venturing" out into the great unknown, to a sense of insecurity after realising how limited my choices are, and finally a sense of acceptance and cautious optimism after getting some results from my hardwork. I hope against the odds that I won't ever have to feel despondent and despair over my ever decreasing chances.
It has been a humbling and an eye-opening experience. Blog posts, reviews, magazines and websites about interviews, CV writing, internships vs perm positions...it is really mind-numbing. I don't know where to start, who to believe and what to think anymore. It's one of those things that career centres in universities can babysit, but up to a certain point, we have to learn how to walk through the brimstone and fire ourselves.
I've been fortunate to still have some choices with regards to the industries I want to join. As I apply for more positions and do more digging, my initial idea of wanting to "get out there" is as daunting as it is exciting. I learnt that being passionate in my academic studies, is hardly the same as being passionate in the corporate sector. They run on very different engines, and this means I need to learn how to drive differently - and fast. I gathered the fact that interviewing the boss is as important as being interviewed by him/her.
I also finally understand how pressurizing this process can be. The need to have to "get a good job" as soon as you graduate is an unspoken rule in my family (and I believe in many others'). My dad frowns when I am considering an internship at a prestigious firm, rather than seek security in the civil service for full time pay and benefits. Well-meaning friends ask how my "job hunting is going" out of concern, can sometimes become reports of failure and despondency.
It's not an easy process and suddenly social networks become a valuable resource. Without the back up of institutional credentials, seeking knowledge about an industry becomes more of a favour justified solely on the grounds of personal rapport.
I am lucky that people see my potential during interviews and I am grateful to all those who took time to get to know me more. I have received replies thus far from prospective employers (although those are far and few between) and already consider myself lucky. Being in this position with friends who are already working advising me on the type of jobs helps since I constantly consult them on to ask interviewers and learn from their mistakes.
This short recount ends with a very simple realisation. Time is our most precious commodity and finding a career is really finding the best way to invest the most of our time. We want returns - whether it be monetary or career opportunities. Yet on the other hand, we don't realise that as we trade time for a salary, we also have to be discerning as to who and what we are giving it to. 30-40 years down the road, I hope the accumulation of those choices is going to make me a better person than I am today.
I've gone through all the phases of a job-seeker except the last one. Exhiliaration of first "venturing" out into the great unknown, to a sense of insecurity after realising how limited my choices are, and finally a sense of acceptance and cautious optimism after getting some results from my hardwork. I hope against the odds that I won't ever have to feel despondent and despair over my ever decreasing chances.
It has been a humbling and an eye-opening experience. Blog posts, reviews, magazines and websites about interviews, CV writing, internships vs perm positions...it is really mind-numbing. I don't know where to start, who to believe and what to think anymore. It's one of those things that career centres in universities can babysit, but up to a certain point, we have to learn how to walk through the brimstone and fire ourselves.
I've been fortunate to still have some choices with regards to the industries I want to join. As I apply for more positions and do more digging, my initial idea of wanting to "get out there" is as daunting as it is exciting. I learnt that being passionate in my academic studies, is hardly the same as being passionate in the corporate sector. They run on very different engines, and this means I need to learn how to drive differently - and fast. I gathered the fact that interviewing the boss is as important as being interviewed by him/her.
I also finally understand how pressurizing this process can be. The need to have to "get a good job" as soon as you graduate is an unspoken rule in my family (and I believe in many others'). My dad frowns when I am considering an internship at a prestigious firm, rather than seek security in the civil service for full time pay and benefits. Well-meaning friends ask how my "job hunting is going" out of concern, can sometimes become reports of failure and despondency.
It's not an easy process and suddenly social networks become a valuable resource. Without the back up of institutional credentials, seeking knowledge about an industry becomes more of a favour justified solely on the grounds of personal rapport.
I am lucky that people see my potential during interviews and I am grateful to all those who took time to get to know me more. I have received replies thus far from prospective employers (although those are far and few between) and already consider myself lucky. Being in this position with friends who are already working advising me on the type of jobs helps since I constantly consult them on to ask interviewers and learn from their mistakes.
This short recount ends with a very simple realisation. Time is our most precious commodity and finding a career is really finding the best way to invest the most of our time. We want returns - whether it be monetary or career opportunities. Yet on the other hand, we don't realise that as we trade time for a salary, we also have to be discerning as to who and what we are giving it to. 30-40 years down the road, I hope the accumulation of those choices is going to make me a better person than I am today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)