Last post, I devoted A to represent Acceptance, as the resolution for our inherent judgemental attitudes towards people whom we love. We accept what we cannot change, and have courage to support the change of those that we can. The serenity prayer gives me strength when the going gets tough, because ultimately no relationship is perfect and tough-going moments are opportunities for each of us to grow into each other.
Having said, it's often harder done than preached. Many of these lofty ideas can easily be dismissed as ignorant, naive and idealistic. Given the number and circumstances of break up these days, even I get demoralised on most days.
So I have devoted the B to break-up. We have the dramatic break ups that happen; both blame each other, harsh words are said, hearts torn apart. We also have the quiet, subtle, over-the-years drift-apart break ups when both parties leave a little sadder, but also freer. We also have the break up which happens before the couple even got off. The kind of whirlwind romance that lasted for 5 months and then died as soon as it started.
But what do they all mean?
Going through my own frustration break up, I've learnt a couple of things.
1. Break ups need not be messy
I think many times, when emotions are high, and the pride of "not losing", especially when I wasn't the one who wanted the relationship to end, makes me want to do some damage. I think this is where it gets really immature, hurtful, and messy. I cried, I also ranted to my ex-boyfriend then for giving us up. However, I also took the big gulp of air to stop myself from scolding and making him feel bad.
I had a very good teacher once told me, it takes way more courage for a person to say you did something wrong, than it takes for a person to accept the critique. The person also had all to risk, they risk your drama, your ill-affections and most of all your friendship.
I think we are at an age, where we should be mindful that our actions have consequences. We shouldn't be rational - we're human after all. However, know when to walk away from an argument that is going nowhere. My grief is now my own, and my ex no longer need to partake in my own internal storm. Good friends do that, they help you heal and I chose to take that drama elsewhere until I was ready to face him again.
It's oddly satisfying to realise you don't really need your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend to look after you when you're down and out. That was strength to keep me going - to take control back from the relationship and have it sit within me again, until such a time when I'm ready to make myself vulnerable and fall in love.
2. Break ups are goodbyes to our old selves.
I've always held the belief that with every break up, we say good bye to some parts of ourselves. I can safely say, my exes would not be able to connect with me now because I've changed with every romantic goodbye I've said.
We learn from harsh experiences the best, partly because we remember the shit pain that we've gone through and if we didn't learn from that lesson, it's like going through fire getting all burn but gaining no insight.
I think I've shed my old self many times, with every kiss goodbye. I gain clarity in what I want, who I want to date, and the kind of partner I deserve in life. It's also a good process of internal reflection - our insecurities that plague our previous relationship should make us stronger for the next one. I now learn that I need to be less judgemental, more supportive, and definitely wiser for my next relationship. I also gained from this painful but necessary experience, to not lie to myself just because circumstances seem right at that time. To always want and speak the truth of what matters to me - to voice my unhappiness to weed out any inherent problems during dating and we could've all avoided this one big heartache.
3. Break ups need not be about the excuses.
I was lucky, that my ex told me that the reason he broke up with me was because he didn't love me anymore. I have girlfriends blaming their exes for giving the most ridiculous excuses like, "it's not you, it's me. You did nothing wrong, I just want a change". For guys, they ask me for the best "excuse" to break up with a girl. I mean, a break up need not be about the why, nor the how. If one party feels constrained, or doesn't want to commit anymore, the only "why" we have to give is the one that is truest in our heart. It might become a realisation that we actually don't want a break up, but rather a break in habits. Some of us might become too clingy, and the other party no longer find it endearing. Or some of us, might have become too accommodating for too long - not realising we are losing bits of ourselves in the relationship.
We owe it to the other party, when we break up - to break the news in person, in private and with all due respect given. This is someone we still treasure, and now love albeit in a different way. It's a lot to ask, but ultimately, a simple and honest reason gives the other party closure. It also forces us to confront to exactly why we wanted this to end.
Relationships end for a reason, knowing what that reason is clearly, gives us perspective because the last thing we want is to break up, get together again, and then break up again because we oh-finally knew the reason why we broke up in the first place.
It's so tough, and very much unfortunate. Although for some of my friends, I would buy them champagne if they finally broke up - we all have that group of friends whom we find their partners disapproving. Regardless, it's their choice, and their life. And we don't normally see what's beyond their Facebook posts as well.
I think something as intimately heartbreaking, break ups teach us that love is to be guarded selfishly, yet also given freely. I gained much strength from a poem by Albert Camus, and I hope it'll give you strength to walk on during these moments in life.
Credits to Zen Pencils for this awesome cartoon of this most amazing quote!
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