How do I find meaning in happiness

Before I start, the title might somewhat be misleading because you might think that it's a self-help type of post. In actual fact, it's the exact opposite.

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How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 8 that,
My bodyweight was not perfect.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 12 that,
My results were never good enough to go into a school I wanted.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 16 that,
The best of friends will turn you away because they couldn't take your truths.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 17 that,
The friends later regret because you were a threat to them.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 18 that,
I was good enough just to be the best, but I wasn't good enough for the rest.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 19 that,
My family will never be able to afford me to fulfil my dreams.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 19 that,
Very same year I blamed my family, I would also lose my mum.

I regret.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 20 that,
The people supposed to support you have instead betrayed you and broke your family apart.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 21 that,
My first brush with society out there was a lawyer who cheated my family's money.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 22 that,
All the hard work I've put in, will never amount to being bright enough to be accepted.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 23 that,
People can lie to you with smiles on their faces.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 24 that,
Most men only want to selfishly feel good about themselves.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 25 that,
I've driven away the very person who made me undoubtedly happy in all other ways.

All the years, all these timesites,
I've forgotten how to find meaning in happiness.

All the people in my life in the past and present,
Have all tried to show me more than sadness,
And yet all I could think of was self-pity.

Simply because I did not know how to find meaning in happiness.
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Misery loves company, and I think I've become so familar with sadness, disappointment and betrayals, it is easier to self-blame and pin it on "just another lesson to learn" than to truly live in the moment and be happy about it.

I build walls to keep my feelings to myself because I assumed no one will understand me. When someone is reaching out - it is far more familiar to judge from afar, blame from afar, and solve the problem than to make myself vulnerable to the other. To feel together.

I'm afraid to feel - because most of my life, I've only felt pain. Subconsciously my mind drives me to enjoy pain, and suffer pleasure because I can deal with the former but the latter scares me. I felt undeserving, that happiness - after all I've experienced - is something that only happens to other people. I've hurt so much since my mum's illness, that I was resigned to a lifetime of melancholy.

What if I am disappointed again? What if I'm hurt again? What if one day, I can no longer pick myself up again? What if people tell me I'm not good enough?

All the what-ifs and why-me have manifested itself into this formidable fortress, fortified with pride and intellect, it has driven people away either in fear or in awe. It has cost me dearly, and this time I am paying the price of it. I deserve to be happy, to love, to feel, to empathise, to open myself and let others in.

I long to feel one day, to make my life slightly messy because it's worth it.

Some people, are worth it.