Recently, I find myself scrolling endlessly at Instagram, and every other format of social media there is to binge on my friend's lives. Their travel stories, funny occurrences and baby pictures (yeah, I'm around that demographic), made me feel like my story was lame. I'm naturally competitive and suddenly I find the urge to really want to make people react to my stories and photos.
Back then when we had static photo albums and texts were 140 characters long, the need to express our subjectivities manifested only once a year during family gatherings to compare and contrast.
"Oh wow, your son has gotten a scholarship?"
"Look at my granddaughter, isn't she adorable!"
"What are you up to in your career these days?"
The speed of information made me sick, and yet compelling. I feel ever so distant from my best friend, whom while I met on a weekly basis, felt ever further in our communication because you "can always check on my instagram". I put my hands up and say, I sometimes say the same too.
This growing resentment and competitiveness makes me feel like I need to be the best or I'm not good enough for the rest. When they say, no one really compares, do they mean what they say, or are they only saying it to put you off.
We've been obsessed with keeping up with the myth behind the meaning that I find myself deeply entrenched in this negative cycle of jealousy, resentment, bitterness and resignation/victory,
It's gotten to a point where it affects my personal relationships. I always have to be better than others, I must have the last say. If my friends don't take my advice, they're probably ignorant and are bound to fail. I think my sense of humility have degraded to such a degree, that I'm really suffocating on this lonely mountain of pride where only I reside. This superiority complex, fuelled by social media, is what's making me write this reflection.
So what do I believe? What is the meaning behind the myth of the self that I project?
1. I really believe that there's one Truth, one Way of doing things that are right.
This belief, inculcated by my education in finding the right answers, where I find myself turning back to the answer key at the back of assessment books, haven't really left me.
While I intellectually know that there is no one way of doing things, in my heart, I've wished that people followed or heeded my advice. It's good to be perceptive so much that people kind of take your advice and things turn out well. Similarly, do I want to be responsible for when they take my advice and then things turn out disastrously? Do I want to be responsible for big decision they make in their lives and have them come to haunt me later when it didn't turn out as expected?
Perhaps not, so while there might be a probable way of doing things, that has a higher percentage of success, it's not healthy to insist unless I want the responsibility that comes along with it.
God knows I've had too many of those already.
I've missed improvisation and having fun. I used to do a lot of that playing piano growing up and I still have records and memories of those times when my friends and I just had fun at the instrument,
I need to recover some of that joy and letting go of the fixation of doing things the right way is the first step.
2. I feel guilty when I get treated well (although less so today than before). I feel bitter when others are treated better than me.
This boils down to self-love, and I recognised this fact thanks to my best friend a while ago. I'm grateful that this has been WIP and after a year, I've started to at least notice the signs when my insecurities and self-love depletes, catching myself before I start to wallow in self-pity.
Nevertheless, I do have a few hoops to jump and part of that learning is to give and receive without feeling self-entitled, while also not feeling extremely guilty about it.
I think tilting the balance too far to one side will make people think I'm just being a bitch, while apologise constantly or thanking people constantly, will make others feel that I have low self-worth.
Regardless of the end-state, which in this case may be none, I do need to ensure that I have sufficient self-awareness to catch myself when I'm in such a state. I'm worthy of the love that people show me, and simultaneously, feeling eternally grateful for their company and good nature fun. In this regard, I'll make a promise to myself that I'll thank people more, and show my appreciation for those who have made me who I am today.
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