How do I find meaning in happiness

Before I start, the title might somewhat be misleading because you might think that it's a self-help type of post. In actual fact, it's the exact opposite.

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How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 8 that,
My bodyweight was not perfect.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 12 that,
My results were never good enough to go into a school I wanted.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 16 that,
The best of friends will turn you away because they couldn't take your truths.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 17 that,
The friends later regret because you were a threat to them.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 18 that,
I was good enough just to be the best, but I wasn't good enough for the rest.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 19 that,
My family will never be able to afford me to fulfil my dreams.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 19 that,
Very same year I blamed my family, I would also lose my mum.

I regret.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 20 that,
The people supposed to support you have instead betrayed you and broke your family apart.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 21 that,
My first brush with society out there was a lawyer who cheated my family's money.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 22 that,
All the hard work I've put in, will never amount to being bright enough to be accepted.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 23 that,
People can lie to you with smiles on their faces.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 24 that,
Most men only want to selfishly feel good about themselves.

How do I find meaning in happiness,
When all I've ever known when I was 25 that,
I've driven away the very person who made me undoubtedly happy in all other ways.

All the years, all these timesites,
I've forgotten how to find meaning in happiness.

All the people in my life in the past and present,
Have all tried to show me more than sadness,
And yet all I could think of was self-pity.

Simply because I did not know how to find meaning in happiness.
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Misery loves company, and I think I've become so familar with sadness, disappointment and betrayals, it is easier to self-blame and pin it on "just another lesson to learn" than to truly live in the moment and be happy about it.

I build walls to keep my feelings to myself because I assumed no one will understand me. When someone is reaching out - it is far more familiar to judge from afar, blame from afar, and solve the problem than to make myself vulnerable to the other. To feel together.

I'm afraid to feel - because most of my life, I've only felt pain. Subconsciously my mind drives me to enjoy pain, and suffer pleasure because I can deal with the former but the latter scares me. I felt undeserving, that happiness - after all I've experienced - is something that only happens to other people. I've hurt so much since my mum's illness, that I was resigned to a lifetime of melancholy.

What if I am disappointed again? What if I'm hurt again? What if one day, I can no longer pick myself up again? What if people tell me I'm not good enough?

All the what-ifs and why-me have manifested itself into this formidable fortress, fortified with pride and intellect, it has driven people away either in fear or in awe. It has cost me dearly, and this time I am paying the price of it. I deserve to be happy, to love, to feel, to empathise, to open myself and let others in.

I long to feel one day, to make my life slightly messy because it's worth it.

Some people, are worth it. 

Choices

A heart break is a literal thing - it's not a metaphor as much as it is a richly accurate description of the pain and disappointment when one goes through it. It doesn't always refer to the complications one faces in or at the end of a romantic relationship, but also the end of a life of someone we love, or the separation of two siblings, friends or comrades.

It is easy to become angry with the world, turn cynical and bitter at how life has treated us - and become even more angry at ourselves because of this innate helplessness we feel when we realise circumstances beyond our control has brought us to this state. We want to receive the help when friends tell us "let me know if I can do anything", we assert ever more agency in light of situations that are going out of control. It demands that we act, do, wield power over the mess of the nuclear fallout. It insists that we take control over things.

When it comes to affairs of the heart, we become stunted because we cannot control, cannot act, what more do. Instead of doing, we have to listen - to our friends and those who will be there for us. To take in not only the words of comfort, but the extension of compassion from a human being to another. Knowing that someone will be there for us, regardless of our mental state is something I will try never to take for granted. The wait will be painful and the nights will be harsh. Our minds will itch for a solution, or a resolution and our hearts will want closure. I found peace with myself after I relinquished the desire to want a person back. I could have wished ill for the people that left me, but isn't holding on to anger much like drinking poison but expecting the other person to die (from Buddha)? Detachment from another person is painful - my mum's stroke taught me that, and it's giving up part of you and understanding that you'll never get it back. So don't - let it go, and the part that grows from you again will be beautiful as well.

I think I'm starting to understand the sayings of Buddhism a lot more now, and appreciate the value of  letting go of desire. Nothing is truly permanent and attachment to things and people become a drug where the withdrawal is twice as much as the initial pain. Pain is there for a reason, it tells us something bad has happened to our body, it forces chemical reactions to start the healing process. Why should our minds be any different. Perhaps the break in the heart is there to tell us that some part deeper in our consciousness needs healing - and the situations that we're undergoing now are symptoms manifesting because somehow we've reached a threshold of tolerance. The dam is breaking, so let it flood our eyes. Let us ride out the pain and then let it go for all to heal. Forgive our mistakes, and all our past wrong-doings for we were not wise enough as today to see what the consequences of our actions have caused. We are wiser today, and will continue to be wiser tomorrow . And even if the mistakes is committed again, we can only tell ourselves we have chosen not to learn, and we have to learn to cope with that choice.

These 2 weeks have been rough - having relationship problems where the end seems nigh, and my mum hospitalised for pneumonia with her life hanging on oxygen for now. It seems that everything that can go wrong has. It doesn't help that my father is overseas and the one I used to turn to is facing personal issues of his own. But over the days, I've realised from the nuggets of conversations with my friends, we are all going through our own wars - and they have given me their time and love to help me through mine. I'm eternally grateful and thankful for the support my friends, and colleagues during these trying times. Encouragement can be hollow from those who do not mean well. It is twice as hurting to hear from someone who asks you "how are you?" only to have to give an obligatory answer that "I'll be okay". The question is not an invitation for us to open our hearts, but an assurance for the person who asked the question that their universe is still okay. My universe is not okay - not now, and I'm beyond giving a damn to give the obligated answer that I'm "okay". Real friends don't want to know you're okay, they know when you are okay.

To borrow a quote from the motto of Paris, "Fluctuat nec mergitur" - Il est agité par les vagues, et ne sombre pas. To translate the french translation of the latin phrase it simply means: she is tossed by the waves but does not sink. We're all bumbling along, with only stars for navigation on a good day, and the rest of the times we are constantly changing courses. Life is pointless that way, I guess the only thing I can really come to terms with, is just to enjoy the ride and the view while it lasts.