Being Busy

There has been a flurry of activities lately, and not all of them good. I suppose it's always difficult to clear the mess of the old guard and to start afresh with the new. Nevertheless, I'm glad for this whole learning experience and I'm fairly confident that this project is something that will influence my "future" - whatever that is.

Recently, I have had a friend, let's call this person B, talk to me about 'losing' a friendship, and how that friend, let's call this person C, feel that B has been distant and how B does not seem to care anymore. B texts me, and tells me how in reality, the friendship, like a relationship doesn't seem to resonate anymore. B has been trying to remain cordial (like still greet in corridors and saying hi) despite personal feelings - since C also has done something that made B feel like their friendship wasn't what he thought it would be.

So all the cover-ups and politically correct excuses later, C finally confronts B and demands why B has been constantly "busy" and not been hanging out. At the back of my mind, something just didn't make sense.

I don't know if it is C's reluctance to take a hint, or simply due to innocent ignorance, but when someone says to you more than once that he/she is busy, it probably means he/she is too busy for you. I often take the "busy" excuse or hint, whichever way you look at it, a little more personally because it's a sign that this person no longer sees you as a priority. If they care, they would plan you into their schedule. It sounds perfectly clinical and businesslike - after all, why should our friendships/relationships be "planned"? Where's the spontaneity in that!

In reality, demands are competing and friendships take time and effort to build and maintain. Like the SIMS 3 game would inform us, too long a time without any form of communication does break down relationships.

Personally, I'm quite a diva when it comes to such things. That is, I prefer if people approach me to ask if I'm free, than the other way round. It just feels like I'm important to you and that I mean something to you. Of course, I'm not excluding the possibility that I don't do the same for others. I usually ask people out more often than not. Then again, it's a matter of perspective isn't it?

What about some people who are truly occupied, you might ask? Well, I do believe that is more often the case. However, every task should end by a certain due date right? Regardless it being 1 hour, 2 days, or 3 months or 4 years, if the relationship really means something to you, it should be no obstacle to always plan ahead. If you don't, and get swarmed with projects after projects - that is a sign of a greater trouble isn't it? Perhaps, we're not allocating enough time for ourselves to connect with others. HAHA, then again, others are also not allocating time enough to connect with you - it goes both ways.

This whole "I'm busy, let's talk again" but don't get back to you situation is a sign to let go and neither party should be at fault at that. People change, and the image we had of them will forever form that part of a memory that is irretrievable by them. However, we must also acknowledge that the person we see in front of us now, is not the same individual we knew before. Perhaps they are trying to protect our feelings, perhaps they really need some time away from you, or even forget that they have a social life. Nevertheless, I'm a big believer of the fact that if people want to do it, come hell or high water, they'll get it done.

I'm busy, but only to selective individuals.

theatre and people

I haven't had the time to write or think much these days because I just wrapped up my most recent theatre project "me, now" sponsored by the Exxon Mobil Campus Concert series. It's a privilege to be working with this group of talented young people - people who have had experience with theatre to people who just started out. As my directorial debut, I am incredibly fortunate to have "beginner's luck"and with the advise of mentors like Huzir Sulaiman, and of course, bouncing ideas with my first-mate Koon Hui, it's been generally a very rewarding journey.

I guess this experience both humbled me and opened my eyes in many ways. I have learnt from my actors - via various theatre games - their hardships and their joys/insecurities. It really speaks to me the different types of people we have on earth, and one can't help but feel, we really are children of the earth in some ways - connected yet disconnected from each other. I guess theatre is also about narratives and stories, and the way to tell it in a way that people can connect with the story and through it, with each other. It's not so much as performance, but a community and in Ben Anderson's words - an imagined community. I suppose for a good 45mins, my actors have successfully reached out to an audience and they had a story to tell, they became part of a transcendent part of time for that period. It will be the most magical moment, and despite waxing poetics about the whole experience, my dear readers, I apologise for boring you.

In a way this experience is also bittersweet (like my play HAHA!), because as rehearsal times wanes and the performance time rises, I felt a strange and tearing pain. I really wished my mother would be in the audience, and it should also be so fitting that I had an empty seat beside me. I could almost imagine her sitting beside me, holding my hand and telling me how proud she was of me - and I wished to thank her for believing in me despite the setbacks, the youthful uncertainties...She loved theatre because she loved life, and I know this moment would have meant a lot to her too...and that knowledge saddens me in this complex dialectical relationship of knowing what she would want, and being sad because she can't be here which in turn forms new knowledge of what she would think, and so on....

I don't know why this production was so emotional for me, I suppose in some ways, these lines from the (adapted) script hit me hard:

Domina: I...really wanted her ... to come...[begins to cry]
Jack: Hush
Domina: I really...need her, kor.
Jack: ... (quietly) me too. You've got your kor here!
Domina: I know. (sadly) But it's still not enough. It isn't.

I suppose I have been grateful to all my friends who have been there supporting me through difficult times, but when this line grew on me, it just suddenly hit me all over again that it really isn't enough - because everyone is different and there is no way anyone can replace the person you've lost - friend, family or foe.

I am thankful and yet woeful at this production, and deep down in my heart that was the way I would have wanted it - this complex blend of emotions that don't always go together, the tears of happiness mixed in with tears of bitterness. I don't suppose it'll make a good story that leaves people feeling cathartic, but alas, as a director - perhaps my intention is not to entertain, but to instigate.

the irreconcilability of being cosmopolitan

Recently I had a discussion with my best friend about a job opportunity overseas, and whether he should take it up. It was an executive training programme, one that is bound to take him to far - both geographically and personally. However, he was held back because his partner will not be able to join him as a spouse, given how gay marriages/unions are not recognised in this business arrangement. Yet another older discussion about my friend's fiancé being sent to France for 2 years military training. She is a school teacher and is also bonded to complete her contract. As a result, she may not be able to join her husband overseas, and given the long time apart - as a newly wedded couple - the pain is unimaginable for most people.

Then, the discussions I have with aspiring undergraduates who are working their best in both academic and non-academic work, to be able to secure jobs that will allow them to have an overseas postings. The very archetypal of what our "gahmen" wants in an highly-educated cosmopolitan Singaporean. Yet these stories to me, present a very alarming contradiction.

There is an irreconcilable personal cost that comes with being a "cosmopolitan". That cost often befalls those of the middle-income group, people who do not have the means to travel back and forth often for work/personal reasons. Furthermore, the promise of a higher pay often is a painful offset to the things they are reminded to give up if they decide to take up the job. It might be romantic to see it this way, but this personal cost is not one that many people are willing to pay - especially those who have amorous or familial roots in a place. People are rendered immobile because they are either committed to their families, or partners, or simply, not having enough resources to move. Who are we stereotyping, when we say, we want more Singaporeans abroad? 

I find this argument very troubling, because it dehumanises the experience of the person. In reality, no one is really entirely mobile, no matter the skill level. There will always be a cost, and that cost is not captured in economic census, or business accounts. When we pay someone a high salary to move, to uproot those relations, we literally pay for them to give up their lives for the company/corporation. Isn't this just another form of modern slavery, albeit a slightly more glamorous version and comfortable version of the chains that bind us ever increasing to the developmentalist notion of "economic growth at all cost". I am perhaps simplifying the picture here, and there will always be successful cases of people who have it all. I don't have the figures of those cases, or in fact they are the minority. However, reading about the mixed reactions of Philippinoes who "succeeded" in Vancouver, their material successes came at too high a personal cost - they are not quite sure what they want anymore, and if giving up all that is worth the more comfortable life they are leading now.

While we may uproot ourselves to another country, and form new roots there, very much like how our new migrants have done in Singapore, it is often a long-drawn process that takes a lot of sacrifices. In Singapore, the notion of leaving home is never really as perforated as US or UK. In fact, we often have "duty" to family, and the notion of being responsible to one's family and loved ones is strong. Leaving behind our family completely is unthinkable in most cases. This complex cultural trait is what brings me to the next issue. Is that, if we want a strong Singaporean identity, and to make (and I quote a recent minister's statement) diversity work towards a common goal, is a task akin to finding a unicorn in the woods. If Singaporeans really do find no more roots here, and leave to never come back, there will be no common [national] goal to speak of, only a personal one. Ironically, being rooted here pushes our identity further, and what is made here - in place - is exceptionally important. Being cosmopolitan and being a Singaporean is a paradox.

It disturbs me to no end, that we aspire to be enslaved, and some even hungrily want it even - that they will do anything it takes to get that job. Just because it's a goal, doesn't mean it's a meaningful and admirable goal - slowly but surely…it chips away something in our hearts and minds, that we forget who we were before all of that. What are we really chasing? What should be one's priorities? What is the use of money, if you have no one to share it with, meaningfully?

Confessions of a Workaholic

It seems this year is pretty industrious for me. When it started out till May, I thought maybe this was it, and it can't get any busier than that.

I mean working on average 18-22 hours, plus 8 hours of french lessons and 6 hours of lessons, with the rest of my human social life being devoted between term papers, tutorials, marking and friends. I still managed to squeeze in a couple of networking sessions, business meetings and the sort to get my research rolling. I thought that drafting proposals and applications (that are 20 pages long) was going to be the highlight of my year.

Apparently not.

From May to July, I was filled to the brim with field work, a long-planned holiday with my best friend (the only thing I'm not complaining about really) and a quick shuttle back to Singapore for a couple of weeks in August, I'm back to London for a week conference. In between this shuttle, I had to somehow make time for a report writing that was as long as my honours thesis, prepare a presentation for said conference and line up my nights with auditions. Not to mention keeping some time to meet friends for birthday dinners and/or a tryst once in a while. I mean a girl's got to have (safe) fun right?

So before I completely bore you with the rants of why I'm so busy, I do have a point in all this.

I will get busier.

The next half of the year will be filled with rehearsals for a full-fledged play, writing my thesis (yeah it's just couple of 10k, should be fine...not), and organising a inter-university theatre workshop. Of course, that's also inclusive of laying down the creative and technical groundwork for the huge ass March production...

I have learnt that time is really a scarce resources, and I'm now much much MUCH more careful as to where I invest my time in. Recently, I find myself growing impatient with incompetence and obstinate people, as well as latecomers. I also find myself much more discerning as to who I meet, for how long, and for what purpose. I'm not saying that I become a diva and therefore dictate that every follow my schedule, but I'll admit that I'm falling into the trap of being busy and overly-committed such that I don't focus on what I need to do first - which is to write my damn thesis.

Okay, so to take a breather, I think it's equally important to know our limits right? I used to think that because I'm really really used to juggling to many things at once, it's become almost a habit to not say no to new projects. But at the same time, I am mindful to plan my rest times and play times - as well as more importantly, "me" times.

So this is a public apology to everyone, my friends and family, or even potential friends of the future. Please don't assume that I'm too busy to the point that I am unavailable to meet up - because nothing means more to me than your cherished company. In fact, calling me up and out is a reminder that I need to get some time off from whatever I'm doing. As strange as it sounds, please whatsapp me and remind me that I have a social life out there.
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A lot of people have whispered behind my backs, "Why can't she just take a chill pill and stop doing so many things at once?" 

I am still anxious and worried for my future, and I will always be. In a sense, I'm letting myself "play" as well, by taking up theatre to widen my social circle as well as open myself to other forms of work. I won't apologise for taking up so many commitments  because I know I can juggle and handling more things actually sharpens those management skills. But like all things, there must be a balance, and in this way, I'm also human - and I'm trying.

The Ideal Child - sMothered.

Before I dive into the main issue, I would like to tell the Apple fans out there that the iOS7, while pretty, is also pretty useless. Before you start hurling your overly-priced handsets at me, let it be known that I consider myself a fair critique and use both an iMac and Macbook. Nevertheless, for the phone of choice, Android systems still seem to suit my needs better.

I'm just putting it out there.

But before I lose whatever little readers I dismally earned (and I sincerely thank you for continuing to humour my aimless and wandering thoughts), I shall go right to the heart of the issue.

I have been asking myself if I want children in the future, and if I will be able to bring them up "successfully" in Singapore. Lest I sound creepy to my future dates who might be reading this, I am simply voicing the concerns of a would-be-potentially-fertile mother, amongst many others, who have been clued in on the developments of our small nation-state.

Many young people post-1980s like me, have been taught since the earliest of memories, how Singapore is a small and vulnerable nation with scarce resources. As a result, we have to invest in human capital and have an open economy. Lately, this discourse have shifted to also justify the need for immigration policies (as opposed to increasing productivity), and the strive for a knowledge economy due to the increase in skill level of Singaporeans. There is also a belief that Singaporeans are not "yet ready" to walk alone, and still need the guidance of groups/types of people who "know better" (the government, various agencies and foreign think-tanks). This is a story we are very familiar with and so, you might be asking - what has this got to do with having children?

Be patient with me, as I state another case.

Most debates in newspapers, media, even in universities, concern themselves with the rising costs of living, the mad competition in schools and busy schedules of women as the reason for low birth rates in Singapore. Academics in Singapore like Straughan and Jones have reasoned that the low birth rates in Singapore is due to the conflicting needs of women to be both good at work and at home. In addition, the need to "grow" the perfect child adds pressure on families which further limit the number of children. They also found that lower-income group tend to have more children than those from the middle-income group, and attribute the reason stated earlier. 

I can't help but seem to draw certain parallels here. We live in a society that is obsessed with a survivalist mentality and the way to "survive" is to excel. As a result, would-be parents see their time/money as a kind of resource, scarce and limited - which means they see the need to devote what little they have to maximise the effect. Childrearing has become a national project of efficiency. We put what "little" material, emotional and financial resources into a child (or two), so that this child can someday become the "greatest" s/he can be in the future. We are projects of investment and dividends, and childhood has been reduced to an overly objectified economic output of performance and worth. Furthermore, we put all these demands on them, and assume that this will be good for them in the long run because it was good for us. When these children grow up, they are still seen not quite "grown" because we then lament that they lack the social and emotional capital to deal with the 'real world', so we have all sorts of paranoid programs and mothercoddling attitudes towards young adults. We then moan at the lack of initiative and zest needed for "entrepreneurship" and "effective leadership". It is no wonder that our children feel stressed, overworked and constantly fatigued. They feel like adults at a workplace, pressured to perform to KPIs and hit targets. At least adults get paid, children just get tired. If we assume so much of their lives, can we really blame them later if they no longer find meaning and need to pursue what they want, since they have come to believe that no one will listen anyway? Is it any wonder why young people today are apathetic?

The excessive competition and frustration read in newspapers and such, are symptoms of a larger discursive construction of our "nation-building" project (who is part of this nation? Nation vs Country vs City vs State?). I have no sympathies for parents who vex themselves silly to get their children in good schools, good tuition and good "enrichment" activities. I also do not have sympathies for parents who have children that simply rebel by being completely disinterested in what they are doing, only to have their parents vex/stress even more and in turn send them to even more classes to "build character". These parents outsource their children to external caretakers, like how they outsource manufacturing components in the running of their companies/MNCs. 

On the contrary, I believe we are asking the wrong questions. We should not, and cannot see children as economic gain/loss. We also cannot see family resources as a sort of problem of scarcity. In fact, I would even argue that it is a positive sum game - that is the less you put in, the more the reward. What do I mean? If you stress the child less, if you put in less hours to constantly keep him/her "occupied", the more the child wanders and explores - the more creative/fun-loving and understanding s/he will be. There is a national obsession to want to occupy a child's time all the time, without letting him/her the space to do what they do best as children - ask the darnest questions. 

I do not have the solution, and I do not declare myself as a know-it-all. However, this project of nation building needs to stop, or else, we will all be children in the eyes of those who feel we are still not yet "ready". I am not that pessimistic to say that we are a lost generation, or to be totalising that we have all made a mistake. I guess I'm aiming for a little more empathy and perhaps, a way to reverse the tide is to start to inspire in people, to give them the belief that they have a part to play in whatever they do.

Children is not about how old you are, but how responsible you can be for your own life. Children is a conceptual category of those who feel the overarching desire to "take care" of what is presumed to be the needs of others. That of course includes an infantile attitude of one group towards another. I'll leave it to your imagination what those two groups may be ;)

Being 24

It might be slightly so narcissistic to write about my life, I always find biographies distasteful and shun every opportunity to write/read about people's lives. Yet, after shortly passing my 24th birthday, I find a compelling reason to want to "take stock" of what has happened so far. This is partly because a lot has passed since last year till today, and there is a lot of reflecting to be done.

1) Letting go of baggages

Last year I have started a whirlwind journey of professional and emotional highs/lows. I found a really dynamic job where every hour in the workplace is replaced with uncertainty. It certainly drives my blood pressure higher, wits tighter and patience lesser. I have certainly learnt a lot from my ex-boss and will continue to value the lessons he can provide me. However I have also decided when your work life takes away too much from your loved ones, it's time to walk away from a job who won't walk out on you.

I have also let go of a lot of idealisms - namely finding the perfect romance, the perfect life etc. It's not something that I outright admit that it's going to completely go away, but at least I'm working my way there to let things go slowly. I am fortunate that we didn't lose the friendship between us, despite the tacit difficult decisions you ultimately had to make for the good of everyone. Going to Europe for a month taught me that I cannot run from my ghosts, no matter how far I go - but ultimately that time apart (and consequently, you spending more time with her) helped both of us to start afresh as good friends.

2) Letting the past catch up with me
For a long time, I haven't given myself the chance to grieve over my mother, the lost of her presence in my life - I have had emotional bouts during my birthdays and hers. However what I really needed was to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of others, to really take the time and just be sad. This delayed grief is catching up on me and I have decided to admit that it's affecting my attitudes and behaviour in more ways than one. I need to grieve and I appreciate if you give me the space to do so.

In addition, I feel a constant disconnect with those around me (especially those of the same age). I've been reading forums and articles about people "losing" their mothers at the turn of their lives - namely around the ages 19-21. Such an event is difficult at any life stage, and facing death at that age escalates one's growth and maturity rapidly. It puts us apart from other people and it makes me feel utterly alone. This loneliness therefore drives me to look for partners/dates and that choice is an unhealthy one. I am lucky to not have been in an unhealthy relationship of co-dependency. Perhaps between 20 and 24, being single is a good thing - it was the right thing. Which brings me to my next point…

3) Being kinder to myself
For a long time, I have the strongest desire to be right and that has driven to a lot of bridge burning, unhappiness, distress and unnecessary frustration. An intelligent person is not a person who's always correct, but rather a person who knows when is the right moment to say what to whom. It doesn't matter if it's the truth, as long as your intended purposes is achieved and met. It does seem somewhat hypocritical - but it's not the same. I think it's assessing if the truth is required at this moment, or does the person want to hear something else instead?

I still need more time to tell myself that it's okay to fail, to be wrong, and just learn. Perhaps for a long time, the pressure to be right comes when people look up to you for answers - it's almost an unsaid obligation for me to always have the answers on hand. I have learnt from another good friend, that sometimes people come to you not for answers but for insights. They are not the same things because the former places an end to the question, while the latter opens more doors for query, so that the person does not feel like s/he has to make a forced choice. Freedom comes in the form of having accessible options and perhaps, being vulnerable oneself, can allow others permission to let their ego/pride go, to also start to be kinder on themselves. When we stop being so harsh on being right all the time - we open up a larger repertoire to feel.

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I have thus decided to try a lot more things this year. One is to get involved in theatre and to finally do what I have always wanted to do - which is direct. I am happily stressed out so far and it's one of the most rewarding experiences to that. I also have decided to go on as many dates as I can. Meeting new people is both an exciting and liberating experience. Ironically, it has helped me heal somewhat - because my social skills are really being tested to the extreme. It has also helped to make me a little bit more forgiving on myself, and if things don't work out, it's really no one's fault but down to the fact that two people are simply incompatible. I have also tried to be more adventurous personally and professionally. Sitting outside of my comfort zone to push boundaries as far as I can. So far it has worked marvellously, and looking back the past 6 months, I really cannot believe how much has paid off.

I still have many problems and challenges, but they are all things I would rather have than not. I am happy and I am healing. For once in 5 years, I feel that at least now my life is leading somewhere.

The grieving starts now - and there shan't be any more excuses to take me away from feeling the loss.

Today a friend told me, that a philosopher once said that living life is like driving a plane on a course, and at the same time, constantly repairing, maintaining and ensuring it stays in flight all the time. I found it a pretty accurate description, and as long as I'm in "motion" and pressing forth, it's already a victory in and of itself. I should always seek to remind myself, something that another of my friend does quite intuitively, that I'm not weird or abnormal. I shouldn't feel bad about my shortcomings because honestly no one really knows what they're doing in the first place. It's worse to lie to ourselves that we know, and suffer the indignation of being wronged which subsequently makes us bitter about our failures.

I do hope, on my 25th birthday, I'll be a more empathetic, humanistic and sensitive individual than I am today.

Politics travels

I've just returned from London and can't safely say I'll be home for the next couple of months. On the way out today, I read the news about the flooding happening on the western side of Singapore, and the Singaporeans who were greatly affected by it. Perhaps it's the weird combination of this and my most recent memories of moving about, I felt the compulsion to write about this sensitive, yet necessary issue.

There's a lot of replies on forums on what I would call, alternative websites that print stories mainstream press would otherwise not, stating how Singaporeans are suffering and how the government is not doing enough etc. Of course there will be defendants of those, who state that Singaporeans need to travel more to know how to be grateful with what they have. They use their varied travelling experiences to validate that our  country really is one of the best.

I halt at this point to first point out a political position, and that is I will support any government who makes a moral and ethical position, one that at least tries to do so.

So knowing where that stands, I tend to disagree that Singaporeans need to (a) travel more, so appreciate their own country more and by appreciation, (b) should learn to accept the comings and goings of the country. Well, the argument could be broken down in two parts as I've already pointed out in (a) and (b).

Firstly with (a): Singaporeans need to travel more to appreciate their own country. That's completely bullshit. In fact I would say it homogenizes what is a very complex phenomenon. People travel for all sorts of purposes and budgets, not to mention company as well. So each person's experience based on their ability to pay will range from being utterly discontented with the frequent lapse in air conditioning in a trans-Europe cosch, or be fed like kings on the roof of the Caesar's Palace. In fact, I would argue that those who travel to visit their relatives overseas mighr consider their lifestyle a better one and become more discontent with their cramped and highly stressful lifestyle. In my own experience, modern amenities are convenient in Singapore, but often a vibe of larger cities seems lacking. Simply put, Singapore is just like any other big cities, it's only fun if you have the money. However, it's perfectly fine for a city to cater to the rich, after spaces of living are as varied as the people themselves. What's morally wrong with Singapore, is the increasing empahsis to shape the city FOR the rich and for those with spending power. The poor, are unfortunately, being displaced and this poses a moral problem for any city. Yet, Singapore is also a country, with the poor as deserving born cities who keep the underbelly of the econony growing as well, so who should merit their effort?

As for (b): by being appreciative, we should accept what we have. Well, I think appreciation used here, is the same as gratification. It's hardly the same. For me, appreciation of one's hard work, is more work. Singaporeans are well travelled and they KNOW the kind of standards that are achievable. As such, they cannot accept floods that keep happening because we should have the resources and expertise to solve such problem. If not, at least, we should have the knowledge of informing citizens about the inherent nature of a changing geology, or simply admit that this is a problem of over urbanization.

Perhaps I have been unforgiving to the camp that posed this argument. However it's disturbed me long enough that I have to say something. It goes to the opposite camp as well, who make sweeping statements of comparisons between countries to state their case that Singapore government is inferior because other governments have successfully achieved what we could not. A deeper probe into every governmental policy and praxis will reveal that each locality has a unique set of conditions that allow for them to forge AND implement such policies. That takes years of research and "insider knowledge", so perhaps we should also moderate what we say lest it undermines the entire message we want to transpose to others. I am in complete agreement that we can do better, but perhaps part of policy is also failure and success is nothing without sufficient trial and error. Perhaps what I've learnt while moving about, is to be more forgiving to people who have tried their best and still fail due to conditions beyond their control. What we need to address are those conditions that allow/disallow things to happen, and who or what policies that made them possible to exist in the first place.

Furthermore, a government, like any other organization is hugely diverse. Tell me, would u blame the CEO if the subcontracted janitor isn't cleaning the toilet well? Perhaps not. But we will hold the CFO accountable for credit fraud from a director he is directly in charge of. When we point fingers, I hope, we do so with utmost care and introspection. Oh...and make sure it's also going in the right direction, or politicians can very well use a smokescreen to have us pointing in another direction THEY want us to point, instead of holding those who need to be accountable. Don't be a scapegoat, and definitely don't be manipulated into making someone one.