Off to London

I've been missing out on writing ever since returning to Singapore. There's been a whirlwind of activity, with presentations, reading, auditions and finally getting production going for Period Play.

So now I'm off to London for an annual  conference organised by the Royal Geographical Society - Institute of British Geographers. It's a really long and cumbersome name honestly. Having said, these people really respect choice and individual will because I get to select a "no beef option" amongst HUNDREDS as a catering choice. I feel like telling the organisers to explore the Singaporean way of doing things aka. BUFFET self-service style and their admin work will be halved. I think those folks will wet themselves.

So I'm waiting to leave on this ghastly 0645 flight to KL before waiting for another 2hours to Heathrow. I pray to the immigration and baggage Gods that all will be well. Also, that it doesn't rain too much.

I shall just leave my short post to my  faithful 2year old Senheiser for being so hardy and tolerant with my rough use and abuse. I forgive you for abandoning me days before my flight. May you rest in peace, you deserve it. Let's hope your successor doesn't disappoint.

(I'm in a mood, sleeping for less than 4hours after a long arduous week is making Claudia slightly kooky)

Frank Confessions

I consider myself an independent woman - one who has her shit together and pays her bills on time, has a savings plan and own life. I have trekked through difficult emotional terrains and conquered pain that will make the best of us crumble. Before this self-description becomes a narcissistic activity, there is a point as to why I'm setting the "scene" for this post.

We often assume that people who have their life together, are necessarily happy. However recently there is also an ever growing emptiness over my life amidst my "achievements". This emptiness is not the melodramatic sort, it does not arrive with big clashes of cymbals over ringing trumpets. It creeps up unto me like a drought, and a haze that doesn't seem to stop shrouding over my psyche. There is a schism between what I have, and how I feel inside. I am immensely grateful and fortunate, to do well in my career. I can even say I'm trying to repair past friendships. With all the fullness and goodness in my life, the great void is created because I have not been able to share my happiness with someone.

I suppose I want someone to be proud of me, and my father, despite his questions on my career (it's difficult to explain what I do to him sometimes), is definitely a person who beams at his daughter. Yet on the other hand, I want someone to understand what I do, and be proud of me for that. I guess I'm seeking for approval. This infantile wish, is something we all share. Yet it's not the best of reasons to want to share your life with someone, because it'd end up like boasting - almost like a puppy looking for belly rubs by its master.

I think the emptiness is quickly bottoming out because it is also a sign of pride. It's a proclamation, "I am this awesome person, why does no one love me?" However, like a good friend told me, you don't need to be a great person, you only need to be a person good enough for the one who loves you. I suppose a life in Singapore, the competition has instilled a sense of inadequacy. The survivalist-mentality can drive me to continually think that I'm not good enough. Is it a driver of my success in my career? Recently, and reluctantly, I have some to contend with such questions. I think it is, and it has come to the tipping point that I have to re-evaluate how work-life-love are approached. I have this void in the first place, because my motivation for working hard, was to win approval from other people. It's not a feeling that is unfamiliar to the best of us.

So is there a need to shift and reconcile these feelings of insecurity? What makes us deserving to be loved and to love in return? However those questions objectify ourselves, as things that have worth. However liking someone does should not be transactional, nor be based upon a person's worth/impressive resume. We don't need an interview to be a friend/lover. Whilst disappointments and misunderstandings do happen, but they speak towards an incompatibility of character (it's interesting to note in french, that sentir can be used in the context of friendship, and literally translates I don't feel well with the person.) Therefore it is not our outward achievements that make us who we are, but our sentir, senses, and chemistry with the other person. So this void I've been feeling, to want to share my full life with someone, imposes an unfair burden on that person. It almost calls for someone to judge me, to "interview" and see if I'm "worthy" of his affections. Why did I feel this way? I suppose a simple explanation is because that's the only mode of assessment that I've been good at, or have always known. Writing this now explicitly, my dear reader you might possibly think that this is pretty obvious stuff. However, these feelings manifests in many different ways and some are subtle. It should be so ironic that dating and meeting new people should trigger these uncomfortable but necessary introspections. Now that I've transcended into another field of strategies, I find these no longer work, and it forces me to look into myself - and of course it's always hard to start looking at ourselves. So some of us project that uneasiness, externalise the blame unto other people. "He's not good enough for me", "He's just a jerk?" or "He's just not clicking with me well." Maybe the barriers to our own happiness, are ourselves?

What makes me love and be loved? I don't have the answers, however I do feel that at least now, I'm finally on track to ask the right questions. 

Happiness, Wealth and Rants

It was a conversation over bratwurst under the stars in a suburban garden that struck me how susceptible happiness is. I am not going to write about the simple pleasures of sitting in a porch drinking rose wine, while talking to elders about live, experience and love. Rather, I would rather talk about a particular comment observed by my conversation partners.

They were sharing their experiences in Latin America about their observations on how happy those people living in the slums were. They felt that these slum dwellers despite having very little, had an outlook and attitude in life seems to overshadow their poverty. Of course that drew the comparison back to Singapore, and the paradox of being one of the most wealthy country, we are also one of the most dissatisfied and undemocratic.

Let's put cynicism aside, to say that these slum dwellers were really happy, and not simply a reviews of a tourist romanticising the landscape. Let's look at this issue purely in a conceptual way (of course, some might argue that practical experience makes all the difference, but if you'd just indulge me a little longer).

In Singapore, we often unquestioningly relate wealth to happiness. I was reading up on forum posts on netizens' dissatisfaction with the influx of Singaporeans, as well as the issue of PR having almost the same benefits as citizens. The issue often revolve around material benefits, and I do not deny that they have material implications. However the issue also goes much deeper, that the passport we hold, is a sense of pride and identity, and as a collective, we are afraid of "losing" face to others who do not hold the same passport, but are able to enjoy the same benefits. Some might even argue, that not being a citizen is better than being one, since there is mandatory CPF and NS. However, does the problem go much deeper? Of course, if not why should I be writing?

I think some writers are right in pointing out that it is not about money, or NS, or CPF...after all, Singaporeans have been proud of these things for so long. My father still feels that NS is something that every Singaporean men should go through and in the past, no one spoke of NS as a chore, as much as it is duty to country and people. However, today, it is cast in the worst of light and while I do not deny that it will have economic implications on Singaporean men, the question lies is why are those negative implications highlighted only now?

So what exactly are we unhappy about? Why are the symptoms to the larger problem? Are we even asking the right questions?

I don't think the question lies with how much money. Clearing away the melodrama, while we have unequal income distribution, it is also true that most Singaporeans can actually cope with their living standards. My guess is that Singaporeans feel that they no longer are able to close the gap between aspirations and lived realities. It is either they have been oversold expectations - the "Singaporean dream" if you will - or that reality has finally caught up that these ever-increasing expectations will never be fulfilled if you also don't have ever-deepening pockets. My point is hence, that progress and prosperity (those two words in our pledge) have stalled, and they have stalled long enough for people to feel anxious. In academia, we have a word for it. It's called Anomie. It's what Durkheim calls the disjuncture of aspirations with the real competence of the individual. Instead of the individual, it is now society - or more specifically, Singaporeans who continue to hold on to the dream. We continually strive for the 5Cs, materialist goals that we believe will make us happy. However, not all things are store-bought, and certainly money can only bring so much pleasure.

What is it that makes us happy? Well, personally for me, the reason why the Latin Americans my conversational partners saw were happy, because they were happy to be in a perceived much-better place. They remain hopeful and while I'm sure they know that extreme riches exist out there, their social status is so low, they have nothing to lose anymore but to go way up. When we middle-classes are wrought with the fate that we can no longer move except for a few statistical anormalies, we become frustrated and rant our displeasure. I understand and I empathize with the ever increasing standard of living with stagnant wages, I also comprehend the dismal fact that our government's changes can sometimes be too little too late. I also face the worries of my future, that I may not be as productive and cheap as a foreign "talent". These are all very valid concerns. However, my point is also for us to step outside the box and think. If we were to subscribe to this rat race of wealth, we will forever be playing the game by their rules. I choose to believe, and have strong faith, that there is an alternative path of making a living, to find something else that makes me happy besides slogging for months to save on that Gucci bag.

There is nothing wrong have aspirations, but I personally think there is a problem when those you thought will make you happy, no longer does - and instead brings you pain and frustration. What makes you happy today? Hold on to it, cherish it...because the moment will never return, and that to me is more precious than any GST voucher.