Je vais á Paris et Frankfurt!

I'm leaving for Paris and Frankfurt in a couple of hours time. It's honestly not that big a deal. However $3,500 later, perhaps I should be treasuring this feeling before 16 days fly past.

Travelling has always been my respite, an escape and even a journey of fulfilment. Going there, and coming back are both equally important to me. People often ask, "why do you keep going to the same countries?" I honestly feel that a place changes all the time, and it's quite a good feeling to be reacquainted with certain things you have seen before, and also, discover new spots. It is also the company that differs, and backpackers will tell you that company makes all the difference.

There is also tragedy, accidents, mishaps which form part of the trip. It's not perfect, and I don't expect it to be. However, lessons are learnt and the hurt will wean off with time.

I'm leaving again, for the third time, with my best friend (we made a pact years ago to do an epic trip together and now it's gonna happen!). I cannot ask for anything else more perfect in my life right now. I think, whatever that happens, change is in the air, and I shall relish every croissant, vin rouge, vin blanc, escargot, raclette, baguette, patisserie, white cabbage, BEER and chocolat chaud I can get my hands on.

You Only Live Once folks, so that's why I'm leaving, again.

Horoscopes: What type are you?

If you are here to gain insight to the personality types, then I suggest you go to www.astrology.com. I'm not an expert. However what I'd like to share, is some perspectives....

Horoscopes and personality. Astrology and compatibility. These are questions that plague my teenage years and to some extent my adult as well. I don’t normally have a superstitious mind, but some how or rather, the uncanny resemblance to ourselves, as well as the number of accurate “prophecies” about the couple does make one wonder what is it about this particular branch of study so darn mystical.

Or is it?

I have been thinking about this topic for a long time, and the more I try to study it, the more confused and familiar. Confused because it has its own lingo. The cusps, moon signs, retrogrades is enough to make my head spin. Familiar because it is systematic, and very very similar to what I’m doing in my own line of work.

Astrology require so much interpretation of signs – semiotics if you will – on the mysteries of ourselves. We take a single aspect of our character, to link with the description and in so doing, draw affirmative conclusions that the description we read is wholly applicable to us. We then culminate this sense of wonder, “how accurate the astrological description” applies to us, and hence exhort it to the realm of mystcism that it is therefore quite accurate. However, there will be people who will then say, “oh but this aspect doesn’t really apply to me”. Lo and behold, astrology will introduce yet even more variables. Perhaps it’s the ruling planet during the time you’re born, and also the fact that your parents’ horoscopes also influence yours etc. To me, it really is just another system of looking at the infinite variables that make up a person. It is no idfferent from psychological studies, or “tests” that try so hard to determine and classify us in boxes, to dictate whom who should or should not be, can or cannot do.

You are a “I” persona, so therefore you are better suited for working in jobs that require attention to detail, for instance.

I find it difficult to swallow the half-truths and quarter-mark deductions because while we all share general characteristics, it is not due to our starsign or our time of birth. It is simply due to the circumstances that bring us to where we are – our parents, the environment we are in, the place we are born – create certain Persons that shape our outlook. Since people are social, they learn from each other and before long, one would realise we come to share certain qualities and dispositions, which can then be calcuable and classifiable. It is not any divine intervention or roll of the dice. If I may quote from a line from V for Vendetta, “I, like God, do not play with dice and do not believe in coincidences.” Hence, our personalities and character, that is written in the “stars”, is nothing but yet another system describing and pigeon-holing people to make this complex world more understandable.

That’s why I mentioned, it’s familiar to my line of work, because hermeunetic social science understand signs and derive conclusions about society from it. We might not make generalisations to the population (everyone is this-or-that from a small sample), but we make generalisations to the themes that are derived from our observations, which can then be generalised depending on the context. So the compatibility of the star signs, or any astrology for that matter, is a self-propagating cycle of self-fulfilling prophecies. We generalise what is convenient and what we want to see, and explain all other exceptions as the other variability of the stars. I cannot accept this.

In any case, I might be completely wrong, and Gemini might be laughing at me right now for being the staunced-head Virgo that I am.

Friend vs Peer Critique

Tonight I went for a friend's performance, his debut rather, and it was quite a startling show on many accounts. The themes, the execution, the scriptwriting and of course the acting. It was startling in both the good and the bad. So my friend asked me for my opinion, and being the mean spiteful person I was,  I said something along the lines of "if you are looking for good things, don't ask me for my comment."

I suppose I should have added the line, "because I believe that critique will bring you to a better place in the next show, and things we should take into account when we're putting up a show."

It can be taken out of context some what, and a ensuing whatsapp disagreement over the reception of a group's self-composed/performed music was somewhat of a dicey issue - which ended on a "it's subjective" mode. This conversation inspired me (such an over-used term in Art and Fashion) to write about a subject that used to bother me.

I have raised the ire of many of my friends before, when I say things that are too "harsh" or "hurtful" about their beings and selves. At that point of time, I did not possess the wisdom nor perspective to understand this "hurt" I was causing them. Perhaps, I assumed everyone liked improvements. However, friends are not projects or marble, they cannot be sculpted by chisels or hammers. Hard knocks may not always be the best option when interacting with people. University might have helped given me more insight, but it has also equipped me with a sharper wit and tongue, and the wound still bleeds despite it being surgically cut.

Over much heartache and learning curves, I'm trying to mitigate this problem to a minimum. So tonight's show was particularly challenging to me - does my friend want to hear a friend's review, or a peer review. I remember a seminar where the professor advised against us giving our friends to read drafts because they will only see good things and that's not what work is all about. As academics, writers, even artists, a perspective outside of the visionary square is crucial, because sometimes we have our blind spots. While art and writing is mean to communicate to an audience (no matter how small or esoteric), gathering critique becomes paramount to open our eyes to the performative process. Unless we are writing to ourselves, the audience reaction is important because it completes the circuit. Therefore a peer review is an objective third party critique of these perspectives - thing we might miss or not take into consideration, or rather make trivial in view that other things might be more important.

However peer review can become personal, when the person is both a peer and a friend. I've come to learnt to create the division between this person as both a Friend and a Peer. After all, they review because they care (hence the friend), and offer their frank insight because one asks for it (a peer). This does not always bode well for everyone, and it can be taken the wrong way, as being stubborn in my perspective, or not willing to open to see things from their perspective. Yet it is also true, that some times when we ask for opinions, we are anticipating the praises and get sorely disappointed with others when the reaction is not a courtesy, "it was good". I also understand, not everyone can accept critique easily, and cannot come to an understanding to separate friend review from peer, because cerebrally they cannot unlink the dissonance.

"How can a friend say such mean things? If s/he was really a friend, they would support me."

I think artists have this perennial problem, that they want to project an individual point of view, at the same time also capture the widest audience where they are able to also allow their work to transport beyond their writing tablets. When in theatre, when we ask our friends to watch our show, it's difficult to get critique that is directly beneficial to our work because our friends will be kind in their comments, lest they lose your friendship. Or, they would be "in-the-know" with you, and lose the critical perspective they need to give you a "peer review". I admit being swayed, and cannot stand for my friends' writing/acting, because I understand him. I cannot speak for the rest of the audience. Given that this was a cold market, an audience that is completely unknown, would they watch it without the obligatory duty of friendship? So what remains of this "artwork" if the only reaction becomes a tepid indifference towards an audience you can never hope to capture?

My friend once told me what her tutor at Goldsmith College advised. Art should generate a reaction. If draws pleasure and positivity, then all is good. If it is reacted negatively, at least there is something to improve on. However, if the work generations indifference, then it's as good as it not being created, and that is the worst place to be. I agree wholeheartedly - and that's what "Subjectivity" means to me. Subjectivity is about reception: both the good and the bad. As an artist we are constantly being judged, the question is whether we can let our egos go and accept the critique (both peer and friend), which allows us to draw more perspective to enrich our work in the long run.

The question remains if we have the tongue to deliver words smoothly to the listener, or if the listener have ears of steel and hearts of gold to receive with grace and dignity.

Do you fear death, my man?

“All men fear death. It’s a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven’t loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same. However, when you make love with a truly great woman, one that deserves the utmost respect in this world and one that makes you feel truly powerful, that fear of death completely disappears. Because when you are sharing your body and heart with a great woman the world fades away. You two are the only ones in the entire universe. You conquer what most lesser men have never conquered before, you have conquered a great woman’s heart, the most vulnerable thing she can offer to another. Death no longer lingers in the mind. Fear no longer clouds your heart. Only passion for living, and for loving, become your sole reality. This is no easy task for it takes insurmountable courage. But remember this, for that moment when you are making love with a woman of true greatness you will feel immortal.


I believe that love that is true and real creates a respite from death. All cowardice comes from not loving or not loving well, which is the same thing. And when the man who is brave and true looks death squarely in the face like some rhino hunters I know or Belmonte, who is truly brave, it is because they love with sufficient passion to push death out of their minds. Until it returns, as it does to all men. And then you must make really good love again. Think about it.”

- Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris

Loneliness is a Friend.

“Son. Everyone dies alone. That's what it is. It's a door. It's one person wide. When you go through it, you do it alone. But it doesn't mean you've got to be alone before you go through the door. And believe me, you aren't alone on the other side.” 

- Dresden, Dead Beat

Loneliness is something that I have to grapple with recently. The end of a project often brings the mind back to default setting, where we have to contemplate that after all the work, the buzz, the excitement, people do leave. I currently don't have the "lobang" to search for another project, and honestly, there are some tail-end administrative work I still have to grapple with before I leave for Paris. So I'm spent sitting here contemplating this lonely feeling that plagues me.

It should be so ironic, that I have made new friends, and frequently still exchange contacts with old ones. However the heavy queasy feeling of loneliness never seem to leave me. My friend just had her birthday, and she cried herself to sleep as she contends with her existence, the meaning(less) of it, and even perhaps the purpose of it all. It is a mood that descends, and people who are not "in it" would probably think it's a passing phase, something that we're too pussy to deal with.

I don't know about you, but I think loneliness is in the heart of our lives. We are constantly challenged to find people, people who we connect with. It is not an easy endeavour, and certainly, more challenging for some. However, like the quote above, everyone is born and everyone will die alone. However, we should not be afraid of it, loneliness is necessary for us to make life meaningful. If meaning is easily found, it would paradoxically lose its own meaning and thereby not strike a sense of importance to hold those dearest closest to us. Also, being lonely is necessary to cleanse. People come and go for a reason, and those reasons might not stem from us. People are complex and they change. So do we. As people leave, the remorse of losing a good friend/a good lover is a sort of melancholy that accompanies autumn. But, we shall look forward to the beginning, we will be grateful for that loss on hindsight. Loneliness drives the best of us to corrupt, to malfunction, to fail, to sin. We are not meant to be held in esteemed standards, and we should never be allowed to. Loneliness opens a vulnerability that permits us to be frail, to be weak and in so doing, find the essence of which that makes us strong. The door is one person wide, only you can decide what you want to do with that loneliness. 

Loneliness is not about losing people, but about failing to find meaning in the loss, or the un-foundness. It is a sickly sensation, one in which we don't care to consider because we're so caught up with our own melodrama. Perhaps, we are looking in the wrong places, in the wrong time, with the wrong people. I have begun to embrace loneliness as a friend and a motivator. It is perhaps up to the flavour of my loneliness, that will result in different blends of motivation. Some of us seek sex, others company, some more bury their heads in work. They start to define our self-worth. What should be the reprieve? I suppose religious leaders would provide you with a message of some sort. Since I'm not spiritual, nor a leader in these things, my reprieve is a simple one.

Simply, share your story. To anyone... anyone who would listen. You would find that you are not lonely alone. Loneliness finds friends, and as friends you would find that person who also share your narrative. Perhaps the key to loneliness is to be open, and when we are open, there will be someone waiting for us on the other side =)

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

These days, I've been pondering a lot on the idea of age, life course and what does it mean to be "old", "young" and "childish"/"mature". These terms are often held in dichotomy. I don't aim to unpack the multifarious academic discourse of the notion of age, but rather, intend to reflect upon how recently, I've had some sort of age-identity crisis.

As it is already rather commonly known, I work with young people on a number of occasions in planning of conventions, tuition and theatre. From my experiences, I find myself ageing. Let me first clarify that ageing here, refers to the process of slipping and sliding between ages, rather than the conventional idea of growing older. So here are 3 scenarios.

1. When I was planning the convention with students, I am a much older adult. I have to hold authority that is expected of my position from all parties, students/teachers-from-schools as well as my boss. I have to be the sensible adult, to "know better" when to hold students back when they are beyond themselves, such that they may cause harm to themselves and others. What happens, is that the "adults" start to band together, and what the student organisers see, are a bunch of immobile and stuffy "elderly" who don't understand how to live a little. Therefore, I have been cast as the immovable headmistress. Yet what is interesting, is that these students also recognise that we're not that much older, and yet give the same respect as they would to an older person.

2. In another situation as a tutor, I have to be a role model. A figure of calm and collectivity, a guide. I age even more, sometimes dishing out words of wisdom that transcend the life experiences of my much tender-aged students. I am proud to be able to use my experiences, to shape how they see things, and in so doing, widen their world view. It sometimes feels like their field of vision is "reaching" mine, and this sense of arrogance and confidence of one's place in the world, ages me upwards the timescale even more. Time again, students surprise me with when they confide their worries and problems. The thought processes that go through their minds, seemingly feels akin to mine as well. It is an out-of-body experience, where you completely comprehend how they are feeling, but similarly also go through the same.

3. In the last situation, as a theatre facilitator, producer and director. My age slips even more as my roles change - theatrically. It is funny, that I play Fun Run with my students as we are travelling between places, that I age downwards. Suddenly, I feel 16 once more, being childish and expressing antics that were not befitting someone of 23/24. On the other hand, being a director, I act in roles that are younger, to demonstrate the emotive aspects of a certain role, and the younger participants are disturbed at the "youngness" of my acting-demonstration. Internally, I want to cut lose and just be "one of the kids", the role within the script provided a catharsis, that I am able to become 14 again. Sadly, my universe of being "14" only exists within the sphere of the script. Outside of it, I have to be 23 once again.

_________________________________________

During this period, this thing called age, has become even more capricious. With some people, I am a childish innocent teenager, giggling like first-love's bloom. On other occasions, I age so quickly, dealing with insurance policies and pesky people who refuse to be "mature" in their world views about life.

Do you suppose age/time is only buy a category we buy into, and are socially conscripted by? For instance, in my previous post about dating younger men, why do most relationships with younger men not work out? Why is paedophilia frowned upon? Why there exist this concept of "age-gap"? If the person were to go through the same experiences but in a much shorter time, why do we say s/he is much older for his/her age?

I have always been tagged since young, to be wiser/more mature/older than my age. It is often perceived as a positive thing. It is almost as if, growing up is a quality that is desirable to possess. Yet, we also frown at "childish adults", but grin at "mature children". Is this not a form of social control altogether? What we are really saying, is that people need to control themselves, to be conscripted to the age-given roles. You should be studying at 16, and not be a mother. You should be sensible at 36 and not spend your parents' money frivolous like when you were 17. I guess, what we're really saying, is to adopt the qualities that people of that age normally have. It is burdensome on the child, to ask him/her to bear responsibilities far above his age, as it is troublesome to deal with an overgrown-boy.

As society becomes more complex, with varying life experiences across all ages, will there come a point, where the confluence of age does not match up with the prescribed roles? Will life course be something of a background factor, and that while it shapes the majority of our qualities, it can be evaded by the individual? I feel that when we age, what we really want, is the distillation of the bad, for the good. Growing up means being more responsible, more sensible, more sensitive, more mature…and remaining young is stemmed with stereotypes of the bad, more rash, brash, obnoxious and selfish. However, the young also mean we have more energy, more creativity, and the old subsequently refer to stalemate, and stasis.

Perhaps, it would be more meaningful to delve into the qualities, rather than the age-specific norms, when we deal with issues of life course. I'm not sure if you agree, and this of course deserves full introspection.

I guess writing this is a transition for me into the academic ivory tower; now onward to devour those books in the library/online journals. For a while anyway =)

Hide and Seek: Judgement

These days, I've been seeking to widen my social circle. Getting into a couple of projects so that I can work with people on a more...intimate basis, seems to do the trick. I guess there are a couple of reflections I want to take away from these experiences, and the vulnerabilities we all have when we "put ourselves out there".

Not everyone, is willing to open themselves up, to approach others and risk the chance of rejection. I have come to learn that rejection is hardly something I should take personally. There are many reasons for it, and your personality or character sometimes is not the largest factor. We're often arrogant, thinking that it is the "I" that causes the outcome of the decision-maker. Often times, there are other factors that are beyond "us", based on the person's own prejudice, background, context and even time period that can affect the result. I feel that some people think too highly of themselves, to assume that they caused their own failure. Oh please.

Another thought that came up, was the fact that many people are confounded with appearances. They conjure images of the aloof, disinterested and impartial front. I used to be like this too, and bad habits are hard to break. However, I find that the energy to put up this front, could be better channeled into doing the things that I actually do care about. I cannot and will not put a facade, thinking that it'll somehow achieve the goals I want. It is very difficult to work with someone who is not honest in what they want, and how they want it. It is often easier to negotiate between individuals with sincere expectations, and find a compromise that way, than to navigate through murky waters. Furthermore, people who play hide and seek are often the worst team players. I am just too tired (or not good enough) to deal with excess bullshit.

While appearances are important, I think being open is even more crucial. Being open to all the judgement and hurt, makes me a mirror that reflects your own insecurities and fears. If I put myself out there for judgement, I do not apologise for my shortcomings and mistakes. In fact, you would have to justify to others, why you would think ill of me and my person. Rather than hiding from judgement and critique, the solution is to just admit our flaws, and work on them. It puts the defensive in the offensive, and I do not tolerate people who play in the shadows. Everyone says it's easier said than done, and even I have some lurking dark corners I want to purge. However, my mother used to say, the lie we tell others, are actually the lies we tell ourselves. If we lie to ourselves just to impress others, how can we expect anyone else to be convinced by the falseness of the story? There is a difference between using lies to tell the truth, and using lies to perpetuate one's ego - which may already be hyperinflated?

I suppose I'm a very open person, and it takes one to go through the depths of pain before understanding that the only thing you'll ever lose if we keep up being defensive and apologetic of our shortcomings, instead of opening up and admitting our faults, are the most important things in life - empathy and understanding. When we open ourselves to others, we invite others to open themselves to us as well. Vulnerabilities morph into strength, and you'll be surprised how strong you can be, when you let your insecure-manifest-into-ego go.

Prophecy

ramblings;freewriting;disparate insights

People want to know the future, especially when it is bleak and fluctuating, when the wait seems to go on without end. Prophecy becomes powerful, where one knows that suffering is not an end in itself.

Prophecy is powerful. It channels energies and recalibrates our course of knowing and subconscious actions. It brings out disparate selves into a single focus either to fulfill or rebel against our destiny. Prophecy is a force, and has the drive to push people beyond themselves. It manifests action, and through action reaffirms its own importance. It eludes the written and spoken word, it is inexplicable yet always at the tip of our tongue; it remains hidden in plain sight.

Prophecy acts like the north star, there when one is desperate to know their path and purpose in life. Those comfortable in their destiny will only find it a beautiful thing to behold, but nevertheless it remains in constellation and quietly etches your life in the background. It is a binding, a subtle understanding of relations with ourselves and others.

The search of prophecy lies in the search for our own insecurities and the compulsion to want to use knowledge to control our lives. It takes away will and agency, it takes away even this illusion of choice. The illusion of choice is important, it empowers people and allows them to feed into their own self-worth. The sweetness of labour always comes from one's own work. It presents itself new possibilities. Prophecy is antithetical to choice and agency, that particular knowledge inhibits one from ever seeing other possibilities, it blinds us to other constellations. Prophecy is dangerous because its seduction draws us downwards a path that re-energises itself. It becomes polemical, as we refute its truth, which ironically turns it upon its head to prove to us the Way has been written before our time and place. Prophecy only becomes when our field of vision starts to be narrowed by it - only Wisdom opens that narrow field of vision. Only then, can we transcend prophecy.

Prophecy is the lie we tell ourselves when we want things to turn out a certain way. Prophecy is the truth we use to lie to others. Prophecy is interpretion and reinterpretation, and thus highly depends on the context of the person who brings it to live. It is variable, like life and people. Prophecy is nothing but knowing the end to the story, where one still has to read through to appreciate the depths of the conclusion. Prophecy is a burden, and a great responsibility. The gift of prophecy therefore comes at a price - the price is never ever feeling surprised or shocked. The price is the omniscience of life, it becomes uninteresting and boring. It sucks out the life from life. It depresses one's emotions, it makes one cautious of feeling entirely. 

Ignorance is bliss, and in the case of prophecy, I cannot stress that it is better not knowing.

Lost and Found: My work has just begun.

As I wrap up the chamber reading performance, there is a sense of loss amongst my participants. Some asked me if there's a "Social Instalment 2", and others articulate a sense of dread to go back into school. I can't explain, or give an answer. I feel this sense of loss as well =(

Given the chance, I would want to take this somewhere. Yet I sit back here to write about the experience to disinterested people who will never know or feel the magic and dynamic when working with a group of passionate and gifted teenagers. I hesitate to use the word students/kids/teenagers, because  their attitudes have a sense of unique maturity, that one cannot help but come to respect.

I am lucky to have worked with this group of young people, and have grown to call some of them my friends, drinking buddies...and half the time I wonder why some of them cannot be born 5-6 years earlier, we would make such good partners - in all sort of ways. I regret that age is both a gap and an obstacle, one that inhibits our social roles on what we can and cannot do. I regret, that age makes me hold positions that require a certain authority, and that I have to put up a facade of duty and responsibility, when half the time I feel like "cutting lose" and run wild. But, I am a supposed "adult" and like I said to them, "you are only ____ once." We all wear multiple hats, and must act in our prescribed roles in life. Does anyone realise, that the researcher/facilitator/producer of the show is actually the one acting the most? I act all the time, every time and have to put up a front in front of my instructors, students/participants and colleagues. There are varying interests and I am glad, in the middle of it all, there is one person there to hear me out - subtly understanding my position and the various ways I have to juggle, allowing me that cathartic release I desperately need in the whirlwind of it all. I am grateful for the assistance and most definitely this person's warm and implicit presence. My (overly intellectual) mind then wonders the possibilities....

YOLO. You Only Live Once.

Indeed, what does it meant to only live once, and be 15/16/17/18/19 once in your life? I am now 24, and I feel my life has just started. I am grateful to be doing work that I love, that is also meaningful. I hope to also work meaningfully, and put everything I have into it so it will bring light and change in society in ways that even I do not know yet.

As the chamber reading closes, my work begins. Now it's time to make it right by everyone who has put so much into this, and I hope that my aptitude is good enough to bring this to the next critical level.

I cannot express how deeply I feel about this project, and how much it saddens me that this long journey has come to a close. This is the reason why I love research, and reaffirms my conviction that research with young people needs to be radically rethought. I have learnt so much more than we have taught them. Finally, my conscience is clear, and finally I have found a way to minimise exploitation of our research subjects (even that name is derogatory). Onward to a longer and much more arduous journey of writing. Gosh, I hope I do right by them.