Cliches

Well, perhaps I got bored staring at equally bored people in the morning sardine can train. And Socrates (or was it Aristotle) said a life unexamined is not worth living. Well, Socrates, you drank hemlock and died for questioning the right things, at a wrong time (will there ever be a good time to question?), at a most powerful lot. In any case, riding the MRT at morning rush hour is such a cliche, I can't help but be inspired to post something about this, in a non-overly referenced way.

Well, recently my directorial team of the university wide theatre group had a tough time coming up with a name for the upcoming two major productions. Names and suggestions were thrown, and I find myself perversely adversive to cliches and references. I do not mean to judge, or say that referencing is bad, or that the person who suggested it is dimwitted. I just have a personal issue with it for two reasons.

1. It tells a lot about the person
The choice of references is a matter of taste. When we suggest something universally wonderful, we are judged as having wit and possessing intelligence. However, when the reference becomes cliche and is treated as  such,  it becomes unbearable. Like the quote I started out with, so referenced, but taking it in a fresh way has its merits (Alert: self-praise). Referencing sometimes serve as a point of entry, but it's what you do later that makes it cliche, or not. While the choice of reference is a matter of taste, the treatment, or maltreatment, of such is a matter of Person. Unless I am sure the treatment will be judged as creative, I prefer to avoid it altogether.

2. Referencing is convenient
It's always easy to externalise creativity, to hedge on someone's "good work" so to speak. It's really nothing wrong, since we take inspiration from all over. However it becomes an issue when the referencing becomes literal or worse, illiberal. Which decade are you living in?! While Shakespeare might be cool in the 14the century, it became old because of the overuse, misuse, and abuse of the quotes and catchphrases. It becomes convenient when we simply do not reach far enough inyo our creativity to REALLY consider the message of our choice of referencing. Often I find that references (and cliches) cannot capture the entirety of my personal expression. Do not be daunted and push through the wall, you may find something original, and yet inspired, on the other side.

On the other hand, referencing once done brilliantly, or seen and translated into another perspective has the potential to inspire. Nothing is truly original. It comes down to the dots you make and lines you draw that is creative. 

Learning from you, Learning from me

I have been writing testimonials for the past couple of days and truth be told, I have lost count on the number of times I reused words and misused words. Some were outstanding and without a doubt, my praises were given freely. However, those are few and far between.

Of course there was a testimonial that was especially difficult due to the circumstances of it. Here is why. During the event, this person wasn't a leader exemplar. There is an unspoken code that a captain will never abandon the ship, even if you know you'd go down sinking with it. There is an unwritten rule, that your responsibilities go beyond yourself, and you will take accountability for all members regardless if the fault lies with you. There is an understood creed that you do not go on and break the trust of those who lay theirs in your hands. This person has broken all 3. Nevertheless, this person went on to make me a scapegoat, and a joke, when I was trying my best to show the error of this person's ways.

I now know that youths can be political, and they are not always "innocent" and "uncharted". This person, in his/her rudimentary ways, revealed to be of a character that has cunning and political wit that far surpasses my imagination. I would want to shake this person's hand, and thank him/her for opening my eyes to a whole host of possibilities, and now I am a better teacher and "adult".

We often imagine that experience is an armour against failure, but often it takes someone younger to show you and remind is, that experience is nothing but a history of reminders, not a foolproof suit against naivety and gullibility. It is an indicator of how much we have learnt, and if we're trifled, it simply means we have much more to learn.  This teaches me to he humble, and we can always learn from all ages, often as a teacher, I forget that.  Who you learn from should not be an embarrassment, instead I smile at this person's ability to do what he/she did. It's brilliantly done, the political maneuvers and half-truths.

But blossoming gardenia, learning cuts both ways, and experience gained from being able to wield the power of words have an effect. Your weapons come from the protection you receive,  and your place of power is deductive, it will recede once lies are exposed. My position is positive, it becomes stronger when I speak the truth. You lost the right to protection and the privilege of "nurture" the moment you chose to take advantage of your teacher's goodwill.  It should be so ironic, that your final instruction should come from me, it's about time someone taught you a lesson. Welcome to the real world, you've certainly earned your grand entrance. -xoxo 

Ksy, this is for you too.

Use and Discard

It's not often in life, that you get to feel so calm about a situation that should have made you bitter, sad and maligned. Especially when you have just started to open your heart to someone...

I don't even need an explanation, because cowardice does not require an excuse. Excuses are not explanations why things didn't work out, they are lies we tell ourself because interrogating the alternative will make one too guilty.

I guess this experience have made me realise how strong I am, how weak I can be, and how learning is always a painful process. The reward of good work, is more work. With the help of my friends and loved ones, I have come so far, so now to reward that good work, is to do more of the same. I am hopeful, and I am optimistic and I will not be weighed down for this. I was happy, and I enjoyed myself. That is something that will forever sear in my mind and I'll move on to become a stronger and better person. I already have, and will move on quickly. If the demise of my mother has taught me anything, it is that life is too short for regrets. I have no regrets, only that my person is an unreserved one, and I do not see the need to "protect" or "guard" myself because life is meant to be lived to the fullest - pain and pleasure alike.

Who used who? It made me think about the play Venus in Fur, where the Dominant, supposedly with the upper hand in power, actually is the subjugated, when s/he realises that to be Dominant, requires the absolute trust and passion of the Subjugated. In this case, even not attaining certain information, becomes valuable in and of itself. Null and void, is as important and fullness and capacity. What is missing in your life, is as important and significant as something that is within it. I have chosen to empty my life of clutter, of nuisance, to fill it with people who only care and I care about in return. Which brings me back to something I remember from my favourite quotes from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice,

"I cannot forget the follies and vices of others so soon as I ought, nor their offences against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. -- My good opinion once lost is lost for ever."

- Mr Darcy

We will all come out stronger, better and wiser. With every cycle of pain, we become better at dealing with it. There will come a day, when someone understands and opens their heart to you, and loves you. 

_______________________________________________________

"But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."
- V for Vendetta, Valerie

The irony of hope and self-victimisation

It should be so funny, that I am writing after receiving an email from a post-doc fellow about the atrocities of my use of the English language. Okay, she didn't quite write it that way, but essentially, that was the meaning behind the grade. I am bummed of course, but that's what you need to receive to be better.

In any case, I was reading thought catalog, on a whim, on "how to meet the love of your life". I understand that the writing is supposed to inspire people, and it certainly has, from time to time, inspired me. However, after that email episode, a whatsapp conversation about society's view of fat people, my own cynicism and a friend's frustration with a counsellor's judgemental attitude of making a casual sweeping statement that she is simply just "playing the victim"phew, it has made me look at that article in a different light. I agree with them, and what they are writing. However I wish to emphasize something even more - the whole idea of self-victimisation.

I am guilty of doing it, and on more than one occasion too. I believe it comes from a place of immense despair and sadness, when your life just hasn't been working out the way you want it to. It emanates from a long period of receiving nothing but bad news and why should anyone have hope, when things have been nothing but negative. So we tell ourselves, that perhaps this is the way life is for me. Perhaps someone up there really finds it a joke to make my life a living hell. What do we do after that?

Self-vicitimisation strangely, is a form of hope working through and coping with the "bad news" in our lives. We know that this is not the way things should be, and expectation of better things, despite reality being the opposite, is something that puts the self in self-victimisation. A victim is someone who is treated badly, and yet has no expectation of better except only through the lenses of others. A child in ethiopia is a victim, because they have no concept of what is "better" out there. However, self-victimisation is an acute awareness that this is not the way things SHOULD be. The crippling effect of the situation pushes the energy that should instead be used to transform things around us, to be used to gain sympathy from others in hope that they will pull us out of this rut in the first place.

I am not apologising for self-victimisers, neither am I advertising that self-victimisation is a good thing (what is good anyway?). I am trying to bring light to an issue that is shrouded with pain, disgust and pessimism. Self-victimisation stems from hope, and because there is hope and expectations of better things yet, the energy that spring from hope, can also be used in a destructive way. It can be used to create waves of negative energy and like a blackhole, swallow the energy of those around them. They become energy and emotional vampires, they transform into melodramatists, and more importantly, they can be used to using that energy for themselves, rather than for others. I do not mean you start doing things for other people. After all, you can do it for others in hopes of bringing upon more people to pat you on the head like a good dog, which is just another form of self-victimisation. Perhaps I am referring to a fundamental shift in attitude, to empower yourself with the mantra that "that's it, I won't take this shit any longer" and start changing things around you, a little at a time, that will make a positive difference. It could be small things like deleting "friends" on facebook, or leaving a destructive relationship, or simply, just telling your mother that you are 29 instead of 9.

Self-victimisation is a form of selfish indulgence, that is fundamentally from a good place of hope and wishfulness. It's not the why, but the how that is the issue here. All blackholes started as suns, you must have felt immense happiness before to be reduced to the despondent situation you are in now. Blackholes are bottomless pits, and self-victimisation just keeps on taking but never ever filling. However, blackholes are also the centre of many galaxies, and good can come out from that. We just need to channel that energy to the bastards that made our life depressing in the first place.

加油！

Success is not a solo project

As most of my (good) friends know, I have a very melancholic disposition. I suppose, it's difficult to be happy at times, and with cynicism wrapping itself around the bars towards bliss-dom, it is definitely a challenge to feel happy regardless of the circumstances.

However, lately, I have experienced joy that comes only once in a while. Part of it comes from new people I have met, quirky individuals who have brightened up my life. It comes in the form of happiness that both of you understand and empathise each other completely. It is the joy of finding someone who understands you - I am fortunate to have a few good friends who do that, and now I have found another one. My point is that my happiness is really a culmination of many factors these past few weeks.

I have not been updating my blog because I truly am too busy marking, teaching and field-working. My March and April days were filled with writing, more writing, and last minute panic attacks because I'm chasing the tails of deadlines. It's not entirely because of my tardiness, but because finalising what you want to do for your research thesis brings with it, a whole set of preparation to do. I am not a person who sits on an idea, and I like to ride the excitement to get as much done as possible with maximum outcomes (something I learnt from my boss: the ever opportunist). This leads to my next point...

National Arts Council has decided to fund my research project of Citizenship and Theatre: Young People's Participation!!!! I must thank the officers who worked tireless to process my grant, and for the background admin that must undergo for this approval to be expedited. My thanks goes out to you too!

Success is not a solo project, while I'm still in the midst of my "fieldwork" (or as Tim Bunnell calls it a Social-Geographical Laboratory), I wish to take time out to just thank the people who have made everything work out so far.

My supervisor of course, Tracey Skelton, who pushed me towards the various social networking events and of course, helping out on such a last-minute-basis on various signatures and IRB forms. 

I am also thankful to Joe, for reading my proposal, and giving me that critical eye to ensure that I am as concise as I can be as a writer. Thank you!

I wish also to thank Aloy, for believing in me, and appreciating how much this project means to me...thank you for your faith (hahahahaha!) in me. 

My gratefulness always extends to the TBB, for not understanding what the big deal is about research grants, but is happy for me all the same. Paris awaits!

I cannot have done it without, of course Koon Hui's faith in this project. Your dedication and passion deserves reward, and is 80% behind the reason why I am willing to slog through the paper for the grants. Young talents, passions and dedication need empowerment. Although it's a small sum, I hope it'll continue to inspire your work =)

I wish also to thank Rahul and Rei En as well, for being such a good sport in coming down to share your experience. I am sorry that the amount is so small, but nevertheless, I will arrange for something if possible. Thank you!

I am infinitely indebted to the generosity of my bosses, Mr and Mrs Chu for their support to the workshop, and their venue sponsorship, as well as advice on how to approach "gahmen" in such delicate matters. Much of my tangible skills, really can be attributed to your experiences!

______________________

I look forward to much more labours of love, and by July, hopefully finish the process with success!

My students might not read this, but every Sunday, I am thankful that you guys turn up for the workshop, it really warms my heart to see your eager faces and willingness to learn. I am truly blessed.

Who cares?

Recently, I have been enlightened about a certain issue. That is one of caring. That post by thought catalog certainly elucidated some thoughts and doubts that I have been harbouring for some time. So why am I writing another post about what has already been written?

I guess this is a cynic's take on care. What does it mean when we care about someone? Derrida argued that there is no such thing as care, less save for God's infinite and unconditional agape love. However, the discussions of God(s) itself warrants a life time of inspection, my matter at hand is much simpler. Why do we bother with people who do not care about us. I am as much a victim, as well as a victimiser of such. I am sure that someone out there cares for me more than I do for them, and I care for people that I shouldn't. There are also degrees of care, so the bottom line is, as Thought Catalog succinctly put,

"So cherish the people who care about you, and do not invest your time, and your heart, into people who do not"

This really spurred me to wipe out some people from my slate. There are some people whom I really want to stop caring. Here are reasons why.

A friend who cares will not ask you to repay a luggage you did not intentionally damage, no matter how expensive it is. A friend who cares will not put a 'bus fare' into the price of a gift share. A friend will not only come to you, when you have problems and then disappear to another continent with their friends to have fun. They will have fun with you, cry with you and most definitely stand by you.

This business of caring, is an expensive one. It costs us a lot of energy, and requires an infinite amount of patience. I am not an easy person to care about, or to love. Neither are you. We all come with our baggage, our emotional demons, and class-A bad habits. We are not perfect, but we are also capable of perfectly understanding each other. I should not hold others for not caring about me, if their resources for care, can only be limited to a few. Some, do not even care about themselves. How can we expect them to extend what they do not inherently recognise that they have? We do not even care for ourselves unconditionally, because we measure our worth based on many things - our ability to make others happy, our ability to be successful etc. We may be scarred from a previous relationship, or are still unsure of the present one.

There needs to be an end to this. So I am saying goodbye to hypocrisy, and my impatience with certain individuals who have become emotional vampires. I will not become the slave of an unrequited effort. My heart has a huge capacity, but it is not a free space.

They say in your 20s, you need to let some people go, and close your circle of friends. They also say that you need to meet more people and "get out there". I suppose this sounds contradictory. I have come to realise that they are not. We go on with our lives, collecting baggage. People whom we thought we "need" in our lives, only to find out later like that ornament that you bought on a whim at a souvenir shop, to collect dust and forgotten, but still occupying the space on the cabinet that ought to have made way for something more valuable.

There are those who care about me, explicitly, enough to want to stay no matter how hard I have made their lives to be (sometimes). I care about them in return to reciprocate the effort. That feeling is magical, and it should be treasured. People do grow apart, and they do see things differently in which 2 people might just stop caring altogether. Until then, who cares?