Hiatus

I've been taking a break from writing, because life sort of caught up with me and I find myself in the thick of things.

Well, there is a mad flurry of activities where we're planning the Intervarsity Theatre Forum 2014, along with SMU and NTU, to bring this vision to fruition. It has been a long time coming, and currently it seems like we're breaking new ground with this intiative. With the lineup of fabulous speakers and panel discussants, it's really exciting for both the planners and delegates alike!

So the other thing I've been up to is to write my thesis, although that has been taking a backseat for now. My supervisor is busy and so am I (excuses). My 400 word a day is faltering to finally reduced to "at least read 5 journal articles a week". It's not the most productive, but someone told me that we're all human and currently it's the best we can do for now.

Slightly in the medium-long term plan is to get the NUS Arts Festival moving as well. I've taken a more hands-off approach; after all I'm directing and I can hardly plan and direct at the same. I've laid the road for my wonderful production managers, so the least I can do now, is just to get it going and support them the best I could.

And of course...in my social life, I'm currently busy as well - and in a good way. I'm learning about compromises, planning my life around someone else and at the same time, also leaving enough time for the ones I care about.

Christmas is around the corner and although I'm an atheist, I can also still appreciate the call to spend time with your loved ones. So in the midst of the activities, I do have my priorities in order; so I'll be back - soon, to do what I love - writing.

Philosophy of Childhood

Eventually, I wrote Philosophy and the Young Child (Harvard, 1980), whic has as its main thesis that some children naturally raise questions, make omments, and even engage in reasoning that professional philosophers can recognise as philosophical. When at the very beginning of that book, Tim, age six, asks, "Papa, how can we be sure that everything is not a dream?" he raises one of the oldest and most persistently baffling questions in philosophy. And when Tim later seeks to reassure his father with the reasoning, "If it was a dream, we wouldn't go around asking if it was a dream," he offers a solution to this problem that can be usefully compared with the responses of Plato and Descartes.

My informal research suggests that such spontaneous excursions into philosophy are not at all unusual for children between the ages of three and seven; in somewhat older children, though even eight and nine-year-olds, they become rare, or at least rarely reported. My hypothesis is that, once children become well-settled into school, they learn that only 'useful' questioning is expected of them. Philosophy then either goes underground, to be pursued privately, perhaps, and not shared with others, or else becomes totally dormant.

What is it to be a child?
How do children's ways of thinking differ from "ours"?
Do young children have the capacity to be really altruistic?
might it be that children have the right to "divorce" from their parents?
Might some works of child art be artistically or aesthetically as good as "stick figures" or blotches of paint by some famous modern artist?
Does literature that is written by adults for children have to be, for that very reason, inauthentic?

- Gareth B. Matthews (1994)

Blue Lenses over Yellow Landscapes

Yesterday's drinking party, we had a "what was your biggest regret" moment going around and this morning, I was asking myself the same question. I figured this wasn't my regret per se, but something of a missed opportunity.

As much as I am critical of the scholarship schemes in Singapore, I do not deny the fact that it has provided opportunities to people who might not have them, to study overseas in subjects that are unavailable in Singapore. I suppose I wasn't one of the "chosen" ones, nor do I come from a rich family who could finance my studies in Geology at Imperial College London. I have moved on and this sparked a thought within something I struggle all my life.

I suck at math, but do very well in sciences.

What? How can you be good in science but not in math? Well, apparently it is possible to appreciate the theories and have the vision to imagine things that one can't see (I'm referring to Chemistry here), but not be able to do the complex calculations that accompany it. It's not that I can't do math, I just don't do it the way it is expected of me. What do I mean?

I approach math like I approach language, and vice versa. So I draw inferences and imagery from equations, as how I find rhythm and system in the use of languages. What I am always upset about, is that I have been graded as a failure for it. It is a struggle to always having to apologise to people and standards as to why you can't do something the way they want you to. Maybe their ruler is crooked instead of my brain.

All my academic life, I have been something of a (closet) hybrid. Granted that I am more well-versed in one area of study more than the other, however I do not find them mutually exclusive. I was just branded as one or another. I have equal passion for geology as I have for Foucault, and I do enjoy the complex systems of acid-base reactions as I do for creative research methods. Some might label people such as myself as "unfocused". They are probably right. Yet, I cannot help but feel that my interdisciplinary journey has helped me more than it hindered.My friend and I were discussing how it is still important to retain disciplinary boundaries because of the ways in which we are "trained" to see the world represents a unique perspective. By blurring boundaries, we belong to nowhere and everywhere, and as such lose our unique lenses of viewing the world. I agree with her, and I even go further and say that being in two worlds is impossible unless one makes a large personal sacrifice or risk being questioned for everything you do on both sides. However, there is something to be gained by putting blue lenses over yellow landscapes. The view might be greener after we combine our lenses.

I am currently at the crossroads of interdisciplinary work and I find myself being questioned - yet again - by both sides of the fence. I think I have tried my best to field off questions and convince them how and why what I am doing is important. However, there is something to be said about being able to do interdisciplinary work. It's a sexy idea, and like sex, it's overrated unless the two of you love each other very much. Many academics field the idea of interdisciplinary work and many geographers cite positive experiences. However I want to argue that being entrenched in both areas exposes an interesting sort of politics that have gone unmentioned - and it is important to acknowledge these set of politics or else it misleads the researcher into thinking that it is all a field of roses.

It's exhausting to have to be caught in the middle and given any alternative, I'm sure it would be more comfortable to do one thing and do it well - to specialise if you will. However, specialisation takes on many forms - one can also specialise at finding connections between topics, or specialise within the liminal spaces of two fields of study. It is possible to find synergy, where the combination of factors is larger than the sum of its parts. Like every good chemical equilibrium, any external energy source must come from somewhere else outside of the system in the form of external heat sources etc. Alas, good synergist interdisciplinary takes a lot out of the researcher, and to be entrenched in both fields, is like playing the advanced stages of Plant vs Zombies 2, you have to take care of multiple fields of possibilities at once.

It's hard work, a struggle uphill and I'm just starting out at the very beginning of what is a very long journey. Nevertheless, I'd rather be in this position than anywhere else and I'm grateful that I'm in a discipline that historically have always been about exploration. We all do geography in different ways, and I'm glad that pluralism is tolerated here. =)

When I grow up

I have been mesmerised by the musical Matilda, and more notably the bittersweet and very tragic comedic aspect of Roald Dahl's work was encapsulated perfectly in Tim Minchin's translation from book to stage. I teared at this song, "When I grow up" because the cynical and double entendres below really was a blow below the belt. At the age of 24, I see this set of words very differently. Yet, the song melody is so hopeful and positive - when in reality, as adults we now know that "when we grow up" the meaning of being grown-up also entails a whole host of responsibilities.

I would advise that you watch the wonderful staging of this particular song first, and then read my thoughts about each stanza of the lyrics, and then re-watch the song - maybe you'd be able to empathize how I felt during that time.

When I grow up
I will be tall enough to reach the branches
that I need to reach to climb the trees
you get to climb when you're grown up.

Figurative trees and branches, to get on top of our lives and when we grow up, we will be joining the rat race called Life.

And when I grow up
I will be smart enough to answer all
the questions that you need to know
the answers to before you're grown up.

Growing up means we are made to answer all kinds of questions - questions of our actions, our character, our motivations etc. We have to constantly justify our goals and dreams to others.

And when I grow up
I will eat sweets every day
on the way to work and I
will go to bed late every night!

When I grow up, I eat sweets everyday (to keep me awake at work) and I go to bed late every night (because I have a lot more work to do, which will make me sleep in the day...the viscious cycle continues).

And I will wake up
when the sun comes up and I
will watch cartoons until my eyes go square
and I won't care 'cause I'll be all grown up!

I will watch cartoons until my eyes go square...indeed, sometimes I'm not exactly sure if the news on TV is reported facts or simply caricatures of people who seem to have lost their minds like Spongebob square pants. And indeed, I won't care because I've seen it all when I've grown up.

When I grow up!

When I grow up, when I grow up

I will be strong enough to carry all
the heavy things you have to haul
around with you when you're a grown-up!

And when I grow up, when I grow up

I will have to be strong to carry the burdens of life, the heavy things called responsibilities. Minchin was right ot use the word "haul" - after all, we carry all sorts of baggages around, emotional ones included.

I will be brave enough to fight the creatures
that you have to fight beneath the bed
each night to be a grown-up!

And when I grow up

We fight our fears every night when we're grown up, and indeed we will have to brave to wake up the next day to continue to fight the good fight. Living is a struggle - and every night  for some can be a time when it's most tempting to give it all up.

I will have treats every day.
And I'll play with things that Mum pretends
that Mum's don't think are fun.

We will have chocolates and ice-cream everyday, but alas at what cost? We'll play with the same things as our parents, because we will become our parents.

And I will wake up
when the sun comes up and I
will spend all day just lying in the sun
but I won't burn 'cause I'll be all grown-up!

When I grow up!

And when I grow up, when I grow up
I will be brave enough to fight the creatures
that you have to fight beneath the bed
each night to be a grown-up!

Will be back

I'll be missing-in-action until work dies down a little. It would seem that the amount of problems piling is fasting than I can say "Waiiiiitttt!".

Unfortunately, like spiderman's grandmother would say, "With great power, comes great responsibility". I should hope that I carry out my responsibilities as NUS Stage President...alas, I have always been avoiding being the "Big Boss" and now that I am...well, I guess the only way is up!

Will be back with more posts soon! In the mean time, you'll find me underneath a pile of electronic mail, angst and frustration with dealing with third parties while simultaneously also trying to write a thesis.

I believe most of my friends have more to handle, given how they are working for a salary after all...but nonetheless, I have always maintained that it is necessary to have time for oneself! I'm totally looking forward to December!

=D

Being Busy

There has been a flurry of activities lately, and not all of them good. I suppose it's always difficult to clear the mess of the old guard and to start afresh with the new. Nevertheless, I'm glad for this whole learning experience and I'm fairly confident that this project is something that will influence my "future" - whatever that is.

Recently, I have had a friend, let's call this person B, talk to me about 'losing' a friendship, and how that friend, let's call this person C, feel that B has been distant and how B does not seem to care anymore. B texts me, and tells me how in reality, the friendship, like a relationship doesn't seem to resonate anymore. B has been trying to remain cordial (like still greet in corridors and saying hi) despite personal feelings - since C also has done something that made B feel like their friendship wasn't what he thought it would be.

So all the cover-ups and politically correct excuses later, C finally confronts B and demands why B has been constantly "busy" and not been hanging out. At the back of my mind, something just didn't make sense.

I don't know if it is C's reluctance to take a hint, or simply due to innocent ignorance, but when someone says to you more than once that he/she is busy, it probably means he/she is too busy for you. I often take the "busy" excuse or hint, whichever way you look at it, a little more personally because it's a sign that this person no longer sees you as a priority. If they care, they would plan you into their schedule. It sounds perfectly clinical and businesslike - after all, why should our friendships/relationships be "planned"? Where's the spontaneity in that!

In reality, demands are competing and friendships take time and effort to build and maintain. Like the SIMS 3 game would inform us, too long a time without any form of communication does break down relationships.

Personally, I'm quite a diva when it comes to such things. That is, I prefer if people approach me to ask if I'm free, than the other way round. It just feels like I'm important to you and that I mean something to you. Of course, I'm not excluding the possibility that I don't do the same for others. I usually ask people out more often than not. Then again, it's a matter of perspective isn't it?

What about some people who are truly occupied, you might ask? Well, I do believe that is more often the case. However, every task should end by a certain due date right? Regardless it being 1 hour, 2 days, or 3 months or 4 years, if the relationship really means something to you, it should be no obstacle to always plan ahead. If you don't, and get swarmed with projects after projects - that is a sign of a greater trouble isn't it? Perhaps, we're not allocating enough time for ourselves to connect with others. HAHA, then again, others are also not allocating time enough to connect with you - it goes both ways.

This whole "I'm busy, let's talk again" but don't get back to you situation is a sign to let go and neither party should be at fault at that. People change, and the image we had of them will forever form that part of a memory that is irretrievable by them. However, we must also acknowledge that the person we see in front of us now, is not the same individual we knew before. Perhaps they are trying to protect our feelings, perhaps they really need some time away from you, or even forget that they have a social life. Nevertheless, I'm a big believer of the fact that if people want to do it, come hell or high water, they'll get it done.

I'm busy, but only to selective individuals.

theatre and people

I haven't had the time to write or think much these days because I just wrapped up my most recent theatre project "me, now" sponsored by the Exxon Mobil Campus Concert series. It's a privilege to be working with this group of talented young people - people who have had experience with theatre to people who just started out. As my directorial debut, I am incredibly fortunate to have "beginner's luck"and with the advise of mentors like Huzir Sulaiman, and of course, bouncing ideas with my first-mate Koon Hui, it's been generally a very rewarding journey.

I guess this experience both humbled me and opened my eyes in many ways. I have learnt from my actors - via various theatre games - their hardships and their joys/insecurities. It really speaks to me the different types of people we have on earth, and one can't help but feel, we really are children of the earth in some ways - connected yet disconnected from each other. I guess theatre is also about narratives and stories, and the way to tell it in a way that people can connect with the story and through it, with each other. It's not so much as performance, but a community and in Ben Anderson's words - an imagined community. I suppose for a good 45mins, my actors have successfully reached out to an audience and they had a story to tell, they became part of a transcendent part of time for that period. It will be the most magical moment, and despite waxing poetics about the whole experience, my dear readers, I apologise for boring you.

In a way this experience is also bittersweet (like my play HAHA!), because as rehearsal times wanes and the performance time rises, I felt a strange and tearing pain. I really wished my mother would be in the audience, and it should also be so fitting that I had an empty seat beside me. I could almost imagine her sitting beside me, holding my hand and telling me how proud she was of me - and I wished to thank her for believing in me despite the setbacks, the youthful uncertainties...She loved theatre because she loved life, and I know this moment would have meant a lot to her too...and that knowledge saddens me in this complex dialectical relationship of knowing what she would want, and being sad because she can't be here which in turn forms new knowledge of what she would think, and so on....

I don't know why this production was so emotional for me, I suppose in some ways, these lines from the (adapted) script hit me hard:

Domina: I...really wanted her ... to come...[begins to cry]
Jack: Hush
Domina: I really...need her, kor.
Jack: ... (quietly) me too. You've got your kor here!
Domina: I know. (sadly) But it's still not enough. It isn't.

I suppose I have been grateful to all my friends who have been there supporting me through difficult times, but when this line grew on me, it just suddenly hit me all over again that it really isn't enough - because everyone is different and there is no way anyone can replace the person you've lost - friend, family or foe.

I am thankful and yet woeful at this production, and deep down in my heart that was the way I would have wanted it - this complex blend of emotions that don't always go together, the tears of happiness mixed in with tears of bitterness. I don't suppose it'll make a good story that leaves people feeling cathartic, but alas, as a director - perhaps my intention is not to entertain, but to instigate.

the irreconcilability of being cosmopolitan

Recently I had a discussion with my best friend about a job opportunity overseas, and whether he should take it up. It was an executive training programme, one that is bound to take him to far - both geographically and personally. However, he was held back because his partner will not be able to join him as a spouse, given how gay marriages/unions are not recognised in this business arrangement. Yet another older discussion about my friend's fiancé being sent to France for 2 years military training. She is a school teacher and is also bonded to complete her contract. As a result, she may not be able to join her husband overseas, and given the long time apart - as a newly wedded couple - the pain is unimaginable for most people.

Then, the discussions I have with aspiring undergraduates who are working their best in both academic and non-academic work, to be able to secure jobs that will allow them to have an overseas postings. The very archetypal of what our "gahmen" wants in an highly-educated cosmopolitan Singaporean. Yet these stories to me, present a very alarming contradiction.

There is an irreconcilable personal cost that comes with being a "cosmopolitan". That cost often befalls those of the middle-income group, people who do not have the means to travel back and forth often for work/personal reasons. Furthermore, the promise of a higher pay often is a painful offset to the things they are reminded to give up if they decide to take up the job. It might be romantic to see it this way, but this personal cost is not one that many people are willing to pay - especially those who have amorous or familial roots in a place. People are rendered immobile because they are either committed to their families, or partners, or simply, not having enough resources to move. Who are we stereotyping, when we say, we want more Singaporeans abroad? 

I find this argument very troubling, because it dehumanises the experience of the person. In reality, no one is really entirely mobile, no matter the skill level. There will always be a cost, and that cost is not captured in economic census, or business accounts. When we pay someone a high salary to move, to uproot those relations, we literally pay for them to give up their lives for the company/corporation. Isn't this just another form of modern slavery, albeit a slightly more glamorous version and comfortable version of the chains that bind us ever increasing to the developmentalist notion of "economic growth at all cost". I am perhaps simplifying the picture here, and there will always be successful cases of people who have it all. I don't have the figures of those cases, or in fact they are the minority. However, reading about the mixed reactions of Philippinoes who "succeeded" in Vancouver, their material successes came at too high a personal cost - they are not quite sure what they want anymore, and if giving up all that is worth the more comfortable life they are leading now.

While we may uproot ourselves to another country, and form new roots there, very much like how our new migrants have done in Singapore, it is often a long-drawn process that takes a lot of sacrifices. In Singapore, the notion of leaving home is never really as perforated as US or UK. In fact, we often have "duty" to family, and the notion of being responsible to one's family and loved ones is strong. Leaving behind our family completely is unthinkable in most cases. This complex cultural trait is what brings me to the next issue. Is that, if we want a strong Singaporean identity, and to make (and I quote a recent minister's statement) diversity work towards a common goal, is a task akin to finding a unicorn in the woods. If Singaporeans really do find no more roots here, and leave to never come back, there will be no common [national] goal to speak of, only a personal one. Ironically, being rooted here pushes our identity further, and what is made here - in place - is exceptionally important. Being cosmopolitan and being a Singaporean is a paradox.

It disturbs me to no end, that we aspire to be enslaved, and some even hungrily want it even - that they will do anything it takes to get that job. Just because it's a goal, doesn't mean it's a meaningful and admirable goal - slowly but surely…it chips away something in our hearts and minds, that we forget who we were before all of that. What are we really chasing? What should be one's priorities? What is the use of money, if you have no one to share it with, meaningfully?

Confessions of a Workaholic

It seems this year is pretty industrious for me. When it started out till May, I thought maybe this was it, and it can't get any busier than that.

I mean working on average 18-22 hours, plus 8 hours of french lessons and 6 hours of lessons, with the rest of my human social life being devoted between term papers, tutorials, marking and friends. I still managed to squeeze in a couple of networking sessions, business meetings and the sort to get my research rolling. I thought that drafting proposals and applications (that are 20 pages long) was going to be the highlight of my year.

Apparently not.

From May to July, I was filled to the brim with field work, a long-planned holiday with my best friend (the only thing I'm not complaining about really) and a quick shuttle back to Singapore for a couple of weeks in August, I'm back to London for a week conference. In between this shuttle, I had to somehow make time for a report writing that was as long as my honours thesis, prepare a presentation for said conference and line up my nights with auditions. Not to mention keeping some time to meet friends for birthday dinners and/or a tryst once in a while. I mean a girl's got to have (safe) fun right?

So before I completely bore you with the rants of why I'm so busy, I do have a point in all this.

I will get busier.

The next half of the year will be filled with rehearsals for a full-fledged play, writing my thesis (yeah it's just couple of 10k, should be fine...not), and organising a inter-university theatre workshop. Of course, that's also inclusive of laying down the creative and technical groundwork for the huge ass March production...

I have learnt that time is really a scarce resources, and I'm now much much MUCH more careful as to where I invest my time in. Recently, I find myself growing impatient with incompetence and obstinate people, as well as latecomers. I also find myself much more discerning as to who I meet, for how long, and for what purpose. I'm not saying that I become a diva and therefore dictate that every follow my schedule, but I'll admit that I'm falling into the trap of being busy and overly-committed such that I don't focus on what I need to do first - which is to write my damn thesis.

Okay, so to take a breather, I think it's equally important to know our limits right? I used to think that because I'm really really used to juggling to many things at once, it's become almost a habit to not say no to new projects. But at the same time, I am mindful to plan my rest times and play times - as well as more importantly, "me" times.

So this is a public apology to everyone, my friends and family, or even potential friends of the future. Please don't assume that I'm too busy to the point that I am unavailable to meet up - because nothing means more to me than your cherished company. In fact, calling me up and out is a reminder that I need to get some time off from whatever I'm doing. As strange as it sounds, please whatsapp me and remind me that I have a social life out there.
____________________________

A lot of people have whispered behind my backs, "Why can't she just take a chill pill and stop doing so many things at once?" 

I am still anxious and worried for my future, and I will always be. In a sense, I'm letting myself "play" as well, by taking up theatre to widen my social circle as well as open myself to other forms of work. I won't apologise for taking up so many commitments  because I know I can juggle and handling more things actually sharpens those management skills. But like all things, there must be a balance, and in this way, I'm also human - and I'm trying.

The Ideal Child - sMothered.

Before I dive into the main issue, I would like to tell the Apple fans out there that the iOS7, while pretty, is also pretty useless. Before you start hurling your overly-priced handsets at me, let it be known that I consider myself a fair critique and use both an iMac and Macbook. Nevertheless, for the phone of choice, Android systems still seem to suit my needs better.

I'm just putting it out there.

But before I lose whatever little readers I dismally earned (and I sincerely thank you for continuing to humour my aimless and wandering thoughts), I shall go right to the heart of the issue.

I have been asking myself if I want children in the future, and if I will be able to bring them up "successfully" in Singapore. Lest I sound creepy to my future dates who might be reading this, I am simply voicing the concerns of a would-be-potentially-fertile mother, amongst many others, who have been clued in on the developments of our small nation-state.

Many young people post-1980s like me, have been taught since the earliest of memories, how Singapore is a small and vulnerable nation with scarce resources. As a result, we have to invest in human capital and have an open economy. Lately, this discourse have shifted to also justify the need for immigration policies (as opposed to increasing productivity), and the strive for a knowledge economy due to the increase in skill level of Singaporeans. There is also a belief that Singaporeans are not "yet ready" to walk alone, and still need the guidance of groups/types of people who "know better" (the government, various agencies and foreign think-tanks). This is a story we are very familiar with and so, you might be asking - what has this got to do with having children?

Be patient with me, as I state another case.

Most debates in newspapers, media, even in universities, concern themselves with the rising costs of living, the mad competition in schools and busy schedules of women as the reason for low birth rates in Singapore. Academics in Singapore like Straughan and Jones have reasoned that the low birth rates in Singapore is due to the conflicting needs of women to be both good at work and at home. In addition, the need to "grow" the perfect child adds pressure on families which further limit the number of children. They also found that lower-income group tend to have more children than those from the middle-income group, and attribute the reason stated earlier. 

I can't help but seem to draw certain parallels here. We live in a society that is obsessed with a survivalist mentality and the way to "survive" is to excel. As a result, would-be parents see their time/money as a kind of resource, scarce and limited - which means they see the need to devote what little they have to maximise the effect. Childrearing has become a national project of efficiency. We put what "little" material, emotional and financial resources into a child (or two), so that this child can someday become the "greatest" s/he can be in the future. We are projects of investment and dividends, and childhood has been reduced to an overly objectified economic output of performance and worth. Furthermore, we put all these demands on them, and assume that this will be good for them in the long run because it was good for us. When these children grow up, they are still seen not quite "grown" because we then lament that they lack the social and emotional capital to deal with the 'real world', so we have all sorts of paranoid programs and mothercoddling attitudes towards young adults. We then moan at the lack of initiative and zest needed for "entrepreneurship" and "effective leadership". It is no wonder that our children feel stressed, overworked and constantly fatigued. They feel like adults at a workplace, pressured to perform to KPIs and hit targets. At least adults get paid, children just get tired. If we assume so much of their lives, can we really blame them later if they no longer find meaning and need to pursue what they want, since they have come to believe that no one will listen anyway? Is it any wonder why young people today are apathetic?

The excessive competition and frustration read in newspapers and such, are symptoms of a larger discursive construction of our "nation-building" project (who is part of this nation? Nation vs Country vs City vs State?). I have no sympathies for parents who vex themselves silly to get their children in good schools, good tuition and good "enrichment" activities. I also do not have sympathies for parents who have children that simply rebel by being completely disinterested in what they are doing, only to have their parents vex/stress even more and in turn send them to even more classes to "build character". These parents outsource their children to external caretakers, like how they outsource manufacturing components in the running of their companies/MNCs. 

On the contrary, I believe we are asking the wrong questions. We should not, and cannot see children as economic gain/loss. We also cannot see family resources as a sort of problem of scarcity. In fact, I would even argue that it is a positive sum game - that is the less you put in, the more the reward. What do I mean? If you stress the child less, if you put in less hours to constantly keep him/her "occupied", the more the child wanders and explores - the more creative/fun-loving and understanding s/he will be. There is a national obsession to want to occupy a child's time all the time, without letting him/her the space to do what they do best as children - ask the darnest questions. 

I do not have the solution, and I do not declare myself as a know-it-all. However, this project of nation building needs to stop, or else, we will all be children in the eyes of those who feel we are still not yet "ready". I am not that pessimistic to say that we are a lost generation, or to be totalising that we have all made a mistake. I guess I'm aiming for a little more empathy and perhaps, a way to reverse the tide is to start to inspire in people, to give them the belief that they have a part to play in whatever they do.

Children is not about how old you are, but how responsible you can be for your own life. Children is a conceptual category of those who feel the overarching desire to "take care" of what is presumed to be the needs of others. That of course includes an infantile attitude of one group towards another. I'll leave it to your imagination what those two groups may be ;)

Being 24

It might be slightly so narcissistic to write about my life, I always find biographies distasteful and shun every opportunity to write/read about people's lives. Yet, after shortly passing my 24th birthday, I find a compelling reason to want to "take stock" of what has happened so far. This is partly because a lot has passed since last year till today, and there is a lot of reflecting to be done.

1) Letting go of baggages

Last year I have started a whirlwind journey of professional and emotional highs/lows. I found a really dynamic job where every hour in the workplace is replaced with uncertainty. It certainly drives my blood pressure higher, wits tighter and patience lesser. I have certainly learnt a lot from my ex-boss and will continue to value the lessons he can provide me. However I have also decided when your work life takes away too much from your loved ones, it's time to walk away from a job who won't walk out on you.

I have also let go of a lot of idealisms - namely finding the perfect romance, the perfect life etc. It's not something that I outright admit that it's going to completely go away, but at least I'm working my way there to let things go slowly. I am fortunate that we didn't lose the friendship between us, despite the tacit difficult decisions you ultimately had to make for the good of everyone. Going to Europe for a month taught me that I cannot run from my ghosts, no matter how far I go - but ultimately that time apart (and consequently, you spending more time with her) helped both of us to start afresh as good friends.

2) Letting the past catch up with me
For a long time, I haven't given myself the chance to grieve over my mother, the lost of her presence in my life - I have had emotional bouts during my birthdays and hers. However what I really needed was to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of others, to really take the time and just be sad. This delayed grief is catching up on me and I have decided to admit that it's affecting my attitudes and behaviour in more ways than one. I need to grieve and I appreciate if you give me the space to do so.

In addition, I feel a constant disconnect with those around me (especially those of the same age). I've been reading forums and articles about people "losing" their mothers at the turn of their lives - namely around the ages 19-21. Such an event is difficult at any life stage, and facing death at that age escalates one's growth and maturity rapidly. It puts us apart from other people and it makes me feel utterly alone. This loneliness therefore drives me to look for partners/dates and that choice is an unhealthy one. I am lucky to not have been in an unhealthy relationship of co-dependency. Perhaps between 20 and 24, being single is a good thing - it was the right thing. Which brings me to my next point…

3) Being kinder to myself
For a long time, I have the strongest desire to be right and that has driven to a lot of bridge burning, unhappiness, distress and unnecessary frustration. An intelligent person is not a person who's always correct, but rather a person who knows when is the right moment to say what to whom. It doesn't matter if it's the truth, as long as your intended purposes is achieved and met. It does seem somewhat hypocritical - but it's not the same. I think it's assessing if the truth is required at this moment, or does the person want to hear something else instead?

I still need more time to tell myself that it's okay to fail, to be wrong, and just learn. Perhaps for a long time, the pressure to be right comes when people look up to you for answers - it's almost an unsaid obligation for me to always have the answers on hand. I have learnt from another good friend, that sometimes people come to you not for answers but for insights. They are not the same things because the former places an end to the question, while the latter opens more doors for query, so that the person does not feel like s/he has to make a forced choice. Freedom comes in the form of having accessible options and perhaps, being vulnerable oneself, can allow others permission to let their ego/pride go, to also start to be kinder on themselves. When we stop being so harsh on being right all the time - we open up a larger repertoire to feel.

______

I have thus decided to try a lot more things this year. One is to get involved in theatre and to finally do what I have always wanted to do - which is direct. I am happily stressed out so far and it's one of the most rewarding experiences to that. I also have decided to go on as many dates as I can. Meeting new people is both an exciting and liberating experience. Ironically, it has helped me heal somewhat - because my social skills are really being tested to the extreme. It has also helped to make me a little bit more forgiving on myself, and if things don't work out, it's really no one's fault but down to the fact that two people are simply incompatible. I have also tried to be more adventurous personally and professionally. Sitting outside of my comfort zone to push boundaries as far as I can. So far it has worked marvellously, and looking back the past 6 months, I really cannot believe how much has paid off.

I still have many problems and challenges, but they are all things I would rather have than not. I am happy and I am healing. For once in 5 years, I feel that at least now my life is leading somewhere.

The grieving starts now - and there shan't be any more excuses to take me away from feeling the loss.

Today a friend told me, that a philosopher once said that living life is like driving a plane on a course, and at the same time, constantly repairing, maintaining and ensuring it stays in flight all the time. I found it a pretty accurate description, and as long as I'm in "motion" and pressing forth, it's already a victory in and of itself. I should always seek to remind myself, something that another of my friend does quite intuitively, that I'm not weird or abnormal. I shouldn't feel bad about my shortcomings because honestly no one really knows what they're doing in the first place. It's worse to lie to ourselves that we know, and suffer the indignation of being wronged which subsequently makes us bitter about our failures.

I do hope, on my 25th birthday, I'll be a more empathetic, humanistic and sensitive individual than I am today.

Politics travels

I've just returned from London and can't safely say I'll be home for the next couple of months. On the way out today, I read the news about the flooding happening on the western side of Singapore, and the Singaporeans who were greatly affected by it. Perhaps it's the weird combination of this and my most recent memories of moving about, I felt the compulsion to write about this sensitive, yet necessary issue.

There's a lot of replies on forums on what I would call, alternative websites that print stories mainstream press would otherwise not, stating how Singaporeans are suffering and how the government is not doing enough etc. Of course there will be defendants of those, who state that Singaporeans need to travel more to know how to be grateful with what they have. They use their varied travelling experiences to validate that our  country really is one of the best.

I halt at this point to first point out a political position, and that is I will support any government who makes a moral and ethical position, one that at least tries to do so.

So knowing where that stands, I tend to disagree that Singaporeans need to (a) travel more, so appreciate their own country more and by appreciation, (b) should learn to accept the comings and goings of the country. Well, the argument could be broken down in two parts as I've already pointed out in (a) and (b).

Firstly with (a): Singaporeans need to travel more to appreciate their own country. That's completely bullshit. In fact I would say it homogenizes what is a very complex phenomenon. People travel for all sorts of purposes and budgets, not to mention company as well. So each person's experience based on their ability to pay will range from being utterly discontented with the frequent lapse in air conditioning in a trans-Europe cosch, or be fed like kings on the roof of the Caesar's Palace. In fact, I would argue that those who travel to visit their relatives overseas mighr consider their lifestyle a better one and become more discontent with their cramped and highly stressful lifestyle. In my own experience, modern amenities are convenient in Singapore, but often a vibe of larger cities seems lacking. Simply put, Singapore is just like any other big cities, it's only fun if you have the money. However, it's perfectly fine for a city to cater to the rich, after spaces of living are as varied as the people themselves. What's morally wrong with Singapore, is the increasing empahsis to shape the city FOR the rich and for those with spending power. The poor, are unfortunately, being displaced and this poses a moral problem for any city. Yet, Singapore is also a country, with the poor as deserving born cities who keep the underbelly of the econony growing as well, so who should merit their effort?

As for (b): by being appreciative, we should accept what we have. Well, I think appreciation used here, is the same as gratification. It's hardly the same. For me, appreciation of one's hard work, is more work. Singaporeans are well travelled and they KNOW the kind of standards that are achievable. As such, they cannot accept floods that keep happening because we should have the resources and expertise to solve such problem. If not, at least, we should have the knowledge of informing citizens about the inherent nature of a changing geology, or simply admit that this is a problem of over urbanization.

Perhaps I have been unforgiving to the camp that posed this argument. However it's disturbed me long enough that I have to say something. It goes to the opposite camp as well, who make sweeping statements of comparisons between countries to state their case that Singapore government is inferior because other governments have successfully achieved what we could not. A deeper probe into every governmental policy and praxis will reveal that each locality has a unique set of conditions that allow for them to forge AND implement such policies. That takes years of research and "insider knowledge", so perhaps we should also moderate what we say lest it undermines the entire message we want to transpose to others. I am in complete agreement that we can do better, but perhaps part of policy is also failure and success is nothing without sufficient trial and error. Perhaps what I've learnt while moving about, is to be more forgiving to people who have tried their best and still fail due to conditions beyond their control. What we need to address are those conditions that allow/disallow things to happen, and who or what policies that made them possible to exist in the first place.

Furthermore, a government, like any other organization is hugely diverse. Tell me, would u blame the CEO if the subcontracted janitor isn't cleaning the toilet well? Perhaps not. But we will hold the CFO accountable for credit fraud from a director he is directly in charge of. When we point fingers, I hope, we do so with utmost care and introspection. Oh...and make sure it's also going in the right direction, or politicians can very well use a smokescreen to have us pointing in another direction THEY want us to point, instead of holding those who need to be accountable. Don't be a scapegoat, and definitely don't be manipulated into making someone one.

Off to London

I've been missing out on writing ever since returning to Singapore. There's been a whirlwind of activity, with presentations, reading, auditions and finally getting production going for Period Play.

So now I'm off to London for an annual  conference organised by the Royal Geographical Society - Institute of British Geographers. It's a really long and cumbersome name honestly. Having said, these people really respect choice and individual will because I get to select a "no beef option" amongst HUNDREDS as a catering choice. I feel like telling the organisers to explore the Singaporean way of doing things aka. BUFFET self-service style and their admin work will be halved. I think those folks will wet themselves.

So I'm waiting to leave on this ghastly 0645 flight to KL before waiting for another 2hours to Heathrow. I pray to the immigration and baggage Gods that all will be well. Also, that it doesn't rain too much.

I shall just leave my short post to my  faithful 2year old Senheiser for being so hardy and tolerant with my rough use and abuse. I forgive you for abandoning me days before my flight. May you rest in peace, you deserve it. Let's hope your successor doesn't disappoint.

(I'm in a mood, sleeping for less than 4hours after a long arduous week is making Claudia slightly kooky)

Frank Confessions

I consider myself an independent woman - one who has her shit together and pays her bills on time, has a savings plan and own life. I have trekked through difficult emotional terrains and conquered pain that will make the best of us crumble. Before this self-description becomes a narcissistic activity, there is a point as to why I'm setting the "scene" for this post.

We often assume that people who have their life together, are necessarily happy. However recently there is also an ever growing emptiness over my life amidst my "achievements". This emptiness is not the melodramatic sort, it does not arrive with big clashes of cymbals over ringing trumpets. It creeps up unto me like a drought, and a haze that doesn't seem to stop shrouding over my psyche. There is a schism between what I have, and how I feel inside. I am immensely grateful and fortunate, to do well in my career. I can even say I'm trying to repair past friendships. With all the fullness and goodness in my life, the great void is created because I have not been able to share my happiness with someone.

I suppose I want someone to be proud of me, and my father, despite his questions on my career (it's difficult to explain what I do to him sometimes), is definitely a person who beams at his daughter. Yet on the other hand, I want someone to understand what I do, and be proud of me for that. I guess I'm seeking for approval. This infantile wish, is something we all share. Yet it's not the best of reasons to want to share your life with someone, because it'd end up like boasting - almost like a puppy looking for belly rubs by its master.

I think the emptiness is quickly bottoming out because it is also a sign of pride. It's a proclamation, "I am this awesome person, why does no one love me?" However, like a good friend told me, you don't need to be a great person, you only need to be a person good enough for the one who loves you. I suppose a life in Singapore, the competition has instilled a sense of inadequacy. The survivalist-mentality can drive me to continually think that I'm not good enough. Is it a driver of my success in my career? Recently, and reluctantly, I have some to contend with such questions. I think it is, and it has come to the tipping point that I have to re-evaluate how work-life-love are approached. I have this void in the first place, because my motivation for working hard, was to win approval from other people. It's not a feeling that is unfamiliar to the best of us.

So is there a need to shift and reconcile these feelings of insecurity? What makes us deserving to be loved and to love in return? However those questions objectify ourselves, as things that have worth. However liking someone does should not be transactional, nor be based upon a person's worth/impressive resume. We don't need an interview to be a friend/lover. Whilst disappointments and misunderstandings do happen, but they speak towards an incompatibility of character (it's interesting to note in french, that sentir can be used in the context of friendship, and literally translates I don't feel well with the person.) Therefore it is not our outward achievements that make us who we are, but our sentir, senses, and chemistry with the other person. So this void I've been feeling, to want to share my full life with someone, imposes an unfair burden on that person. It almost calls for someone to judge me, to "interview" and see if I'm "worthy" of his affections. Why did I feel this way? I suppose a simple explanation is because that's the only mode of assessment that I've been good at, or have always known. Writing this now explicitly, my dear reader you might possibly think that this is pretty obvious stuff. However, these feelings manifests in many different ways and some are subtle. It should be so ironic that dating and meeting new people should trigger these uncomfortable but necessary introspections. Now that I've transcended into another field of strategies, I find these no longer work, and it forces me to look into myself - and of course it's always hard to start looking at ourselves. So some of us project that uneasiness, externalise the blame unto other people. "He's not good enough for me", "He's just a jerk?" or "He's just not clicking with me well." Maybe the barriers to our own happiness, are ourselves?

What makes me love and be loved? I don't have the answers, however I do feel that at least now, I'm finally on track to ask the right questions. 

Happiness, Wealth and Rants

It was a conversation over bratwurst under the stars in a suburban garden that struck me how susceptible happiness is. I am not going to write about the simple pleasures of sitting in a porch drinking rose wine, while talking to elders about live, experience and love. Rather, I would rather talk about a particular comment observed by my conversation partners.

They were sharing their experiences in Latin America about their observations on how happy those people living in the slums were. They felt that these slum dwellers despite having very little, had an outlook and attitude in life seems to overshadow their poverty. Of course that drew the comparison back to Singapore, and the paradox of being one of the most wealthy country, we are also one of the most dissatisfied and undemocratic.

Let's put cynicism aside, to say that these slum dwellers were really happy, and not simply a reviews of a tourist romanticising the landscape. Let's look at this issue purely in a conceptual way (of course, some might argue that practical experience makes all the difference, but if you'd just indulge me a little longer).

In Singapore, we often unquestioningly relate wealth to happiness. I was reading up on forum posts on netizens' dissatisfaction with the influx of Singaporeans, as well as the issue of PR having almost the same benefits as citizens. The issue often revolve around material benefits, and I do not deny that they have material implications. However the issue also goes much deeper, that the passport we hold, is a sense of pride and identity, and as a collective, we are afraid of "losing" face to others who do not hold the same passport, but are able to enjoy the same benefits. Some might even argue, that not being a citizen is better than being one, since there is mandatory CPF and NS. However, does the problem go much deeper? Of course, if not why should I be writing?

I think some writers are right in pointing out that it is not about money, or NS, or CPF...after all, Singaporeans have been proud of these things for so long. My father still feels that NS is something that every Singaporean men should go through and in the past, no one spoke of NS as a chore, as much as it is duty to country and people. However, today, it is cast in the worst of light and while I do not deny that it will have economic implications on Singaporean men, the question lies is why are those negative implications highlighted only now?

So what exactly are we unhappy about? Why are the symptoms to the larger problem? Are we even asking the right questions?

I don't think the question lies with how much money. Clearing away the melodrama, while we have unequal income distribution, it is also true that most Singaporeans can actually cope with their living standards. My guess is that Singaporeans feel that they no longer are able to close the gap between aspirations and lived realities. It is either they have been oversold expectations - the "Singaporean dream" if you will - or that reality has finally caught up that these ever-increasing expectations will never be fulfilled if you also don't have ever-deepening pockets. My point is hence, that progress and prosperity (those two words in our pledge) have stalled, and they have stalled long enough for people to feel anxious. In academia, we have a word for it. It's called Anomie. It's what Durkheim calls the disjuncture of aspirations with the real competence of the individual. Instead of the individual, it is now society - or more specifically, Singaporeans who continue to hold on to the dream. We continually strive for the 5Cs, materialist goals that we believe will make us happy. However, not all things are store-bought, and certainly money can only bring so much pleasure.

What is it that makes us happy? Well, personally for me, the reason why the Latin Americans my conversational partners saw were happy, because they were happy to be in a perceived much-better place. They remain hopeful and while I'm sure they know that extreme riches exist out there, their social status is so low, they have nothing to lose anymore but to go way up. When we middle-classes are wrought with the fate that we can no longer move except for a few statistical anormalies, we become frustrated and rant our displeasure. I understand and I empathize with the ever increasing standard of living with stagnant wages, I also comprehend the dismal fact that our government's changes can sometimes be too little too late. I also face the worries of my future, that I may not be as productive and cheap as a foreign "talent". These are all very valid concerns. However, my point is also for us to step outside the box and think. If we were to subscribe to this rat race of wealth, we will forever be playing the game by their rules. I choose to believe, and have strong faith, that there is an alternative path of making a living, to find something else that makes me happy besides slogging for months to save on that Gucci bag.

There is nothing wrong have aspirations, but I personally think there is a problem when those you thought will make you happy, no longer does - and instead brings you pain and frustration. What makes you happy today? Hold on to it, cherish it...because the moment will never return, and that to me is more precious than any GST voucher.

Je vais á Paris et Frankfurt!

I'm leaving for Paris and Frankfurt in a couple of hours time. It's honestly not that big a deal. However $3,500 later, perhaps I should be treasuring this feeling before 16 days fly past.

Travelling has always been my respite, an escape and even a journey of fulfilment. Going there, and coming back are both equally important to me. People often ask, "why do you keep going to the same countries?" I honestly feel that a place changes all the time, and it's quite a good feeling to be reacquainted with certain things you have seen before, and also, discover new spots. It is also the company that differs, and backpackers will tell you that company makes all the difference.

There is also tragedy, accidents, mishaps which form part of the trip. It's not perfect, and I don't expect it to be. However, lessons are learnt and the hurt will wean off with time.

I'm leaving again, for the third time, with my best friend (we made a pact years ago to do an epic trip together and now it's gonna happen!). I cannot ask for anything else more perfect in my life right now. I think, whatever that happens, change is in the air, and I shall relish every croissant, vin rouge, vin blanc, escargot, raclette, baguette, patisserie, white cabbage, BEER and chocolat chaud I can get my hands on.

You Only Live Once folks, so that's why I'm leaving, again.

Horoscopes: What type are you?

If you are here to gain insight to the personality types, then I suggest you go to www.astrology.com. I'm not an expert. However what I'd like to share, is some perspectives....

Horoscopes and personality. Astrology and compatibility. These are questions that plague my teenage years and to some extent my adult as well. I don’t normally have a superstitious mind, but some how or rather, the uncanny resemblance to ourselves, as well as the number of accurate “prophecies” about the couple does make one wonder what is it about this particular branch of study so darn mystical.

Or is it?

I have been thinking about this topic for a long time, and the more I try to study it, the more confused and familiar. Confused because it has its own lingo. The cusps, moon signs, retrogrades is enough to make my head spin. Familiar because it is systematic, and very very similar to what I’m doing in my own line of work.

Astrology require so much interpretation of signs – semiotics if you will – on the mysteries of ourselves. We take a single aspect of our character, to link with the description and in so doing, draw affirmative conclusions that the description we read is wholly applicable to us. We then culminate this sense of wonder, “how accurate the astrological description” applies to us, and hence exhort it to the realm of mystcism that it is therefore quite accurate. However, there will be people who will then say, “oh but this aspect doesn’t really apply to me”. Lo and behold, astrology will introduce yet even more variables. Perhaps it’s the ruling planet during the time you’re born, and also the fact that your parents’ horoscopes also influence yours etc. To me, it really is just another system of looking at the infinite variables that make up a person. It is no idfferent from psychological studies, or “tests” that try so hard to determine and classify us in boxes, to dictate whom who should or should not be, can or cannot do.

You are a “I” persona, so therefore you are better suited for working in jobs that require attention to detail, for instance.

I find it difficult to swallow the half-truths and quarter-mark deductions because while we all share general characteristics, it is not due to our starsign or our time of birth. It is simply due to the circumstances that bring us to where we are – our parents, the environment we are in, the place we are born – create certain Persons that shape our outlook. Since people are social, they learn from each other and before long, one would realise we come to share certain qualities and dispositions, which can then be calcuable and classifiable. It is not any divine intervention or roll of the dice. If I may quote from a line from V for Vendetta, “I, like God, do not play with dice and do not believe in coincidences.” Hence, our personalities and character, that is written in the “stars”, is nothing but yet another system describing and pigeon-holing people to make this complex world more understandable.

That’s why I mentioned, it’s familiar to my line of work, because hermeunetic social science understand signs and derive conclusions about society from it. We might not make generalisations to the population (everyone is this-or-that from a small sample), but we make generalisations to the themes that are derived from our observations, which can then be generalised depending on the context. So the compatibility of the star signs, or any astrology for that matter, is a self-propagating cycle of self-fulfilling prophecies. We generalise what is convenient and what we want to see, and explain all other exceptions as the other variability of the stars. I cannot accept this.

In any case, I might be completely wrong, and Gemini might be laughing at me right now for being the staunced-head Virgo that I am.

Friend vs Peer Critique

Tonight I went for a friend's performance, his debut rather, and it was quite a startling show on many accounts. The themes, the execution, the scriptwriting and of course the acting. It was startling in both the good and the bad. So my friend asked me for my opinion, and being the mean spiteful person I was,  I said something along the lines of "if you are looking for good things, don't ask me for my comment."

I suppose I should have added the line, "because I believe that critique will bring you to a better place in the next show, and things we should take into account when we're putting up a show."

It can be taken out of context some what, and a ensuing whatsapp disagreement over the reception of a group's self-composed/performed music was somewhat of a dicey issue - which ended on a "it's subjective" mode. This conversation inspired me (such an over-used term in Art and Fashion) to write about a subject that used to bother me.

I have raised the ire of many of my friends before, when I say things that are too "harsh" or "hurtful" about their beings and selves. At that point of time, I did not possess the wisdom nor perspective to understand this "hurt" I was causing them. Perhaps, I assumed everyone liked improvements. However, friends are not projects or marble, they cannot be sculpted by chisels or hammers. Hard knocks may not always be the best option when interacting with people. University might have helped given me more insight, but it has also equipped me with a sharper wit and tongue, and the wound still bleeds despite it being surgically cut.

Over much heartache and learning curves, I'm trying to mitigate this problem to a minimum. So tonight's show was particularly challenging to me - does my friend want to hear a friend's review, or a peer review. I remember a seminar where the professor advised against us giving our friends to read drafts because they will only see good things and that's not what work is all about. As academics, writers, even artists, a perspective outside of the visionary square is crucial, because sometimes we have our blind spots. While art and writing is mean to communicate to an audience (no matter how small or esoteric), gathering critique becomes paramount to open our eyes to the performative process. Unless we are writing to ourselves, the audience reaction is important because it completes the circuit. Therefore a peer review is an objective third party critique of these perspectives - thing we might miss or not take into consideration, or rather make trivial in view that other things might be more important.

However peer review can become personal, when the person is both a peer and a friend. I've come to learnt to create the division between this person as both a Friend and a Peer. After all, they review because they care (hence the friend), and offer their frank insight because one asks for it (a peer). This does not always bode well for everyone, and it can be taken the wrong way, as being stubborn in my perspective, or not willing to open to see things from their perspective. Yet it is also true, that some times when we ask for opinions, we are anticipating the praises and get sorely disappointed with others when the reaction is not a courtesy, "it was good". I also understand, not everyone can accept critique easily, and cannot come to an understanding to separate friend review from peer, because cerebrally they cannot unlink the dissonance.

"How can a friend say such mean things? If s/he was really a friend, they would support me."

I think artists have this perennial problem, that they want to project an individual point of view, at the same time also capture the widest audience where they are able to also allow their work to transport beyond their writing tablets. When in theatre, when we ask our friends to watch our show, it's difficult to get critique that is directly beneficial to our work because our friends will be kind in their comments, lest they lose your friendship. Or, they would be "in-the-know" with you, and lose the critical perspective they need to give you a "peer review". I admit being swayed, and cannot stand for my friends' writing/acting, because I understand him. I cannot speak for the rest of the audience. Given that this was a cold market, an audience that is completely unknown, would they watch it without the obligatory duty of friendship? So what remains of this "artwork" if the only reaction becomes a tepid indifference towards an audience you can never hope to capture?

My friend once told me what her tutor at Goldsmith College advised. Art should generate a reaction. If draws pleasure and positivity, then all is good. If it is reacted negatively, at least there is something to improve on. However, if the work generations indifference, then it's as good as it not being created, and that is the worst place to be. I agree wholeheartedly - and that's what "Subjectivity" means to me. Subjectivity is about reception: both the good and the bad. As an artist we are constantly being judged, the question is whether we can let our egos go and accept the critique (both peer and friend), which allows us to draw more perspective to enrich our work in the long run.

The question remains if we have the tongue to deliver words smoothly to the listener, or if the listener have ears of steel and hearts of gold to receive with grace and dignity.

Do you fear death, my man?

“All men fear death. It’s a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven’t loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same. However, when you make love with a truly great woman, one that deserves the utmost respect in this world and one that makes you feel truly powerful, that fear of death completely disappears. Because when you are sharing your body and heart with a great woman the world fades away. You two are the only ones in the entire universe. You conquer what most lesser men have never conquered before, you have conquered a great woman’s heart, the most vulnerable thing she can offer to another. Death no longer lingers in the mind. Fear no longer clouds your heart. Only passion for living, and for loving, become your sole reality. This is no easy task for it takes insurmountable courage. But remember this, for that moment when you are making love with a woman of true greatness you will feel immortal.


I believe that love that is true and real creates a respite from death. All cowardice comes from not loving or not loving well, which is the same thing. And when the man who is brave and true looks death squarely in the face like some rhino hunters I know or Belmonte, who is truly brave, it is because they love with sufficient passion to push death out of their minds. Until it returns, as it does to all men. And then you must make really good love again. Think about it.”

- Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris

Loneliness is a Friend.

“Son. Everyone dies alone. That's what it is. It's a door. It's one person wide. When you go through it, you do it alone. But it doesn't mean you've got to be alone before you go through the door. And believe me, you aren't alone on the other side.” 

- Dresden, Dead Beat

Loneliness is something that I have to grapple with recently. The end of a project often brings the mind back to default setting, where we have to contemplate that after all the work, the buzz, the excitement, people do leave. I currently don't have the "lobang" to search for another project, and honestly, there are some tail-end administrative work I still have to grapple with before I leave for Paris. So I'm spent sitting here contemplating this lonely feeling that plagues me.

It should be so ironic, that I have made new friends, and frequently still exchange contacts with old ones. However the heavy queasy feeling of loneliness never seem to leave me. My friend just had her birthday, and she cried herself to sleep as she contends with her existence, the meaning(less) of it, and even perhaps the purpose of it all. It is a mood that descends, and people who are not "in it" would probably think it's a passing phase, something that we're too pussy to deal with.

I don't know about you, but I think loneliness is in the heart of our lives. We are constantly challenged to find people, people who we connect with. It is not an easy endeavour, and certainly, more challenging for some. However, like the quote above, everyone is born and everyone will die alone. However, we should not be afraid of it, loneliness is necessary for us to make life meaningful. If meaning is easily found, it would paradoxically lose its own meaning and thereby not strike a sense of importance to hold those dearest closest to us. Also, being lonely is necessary to cleanse. People come and go for a reason, and those reasons might not stem from us. People are complex and they change. So do we. As people leave, the remorse of losing a good friend/a good lover is a sort of melancholy that accompanies autumn. But, we shall look forward to the beginning, we will be grateful for that loss on hindsight. Loneliness drives the best of us to corrupt, to malfunction, to fail, to sin. We are not meant to be held in esteemed standards, and we should never be allowed to. Loneliness opens a vulnerability that permits us to be frail, to be weak and in so doing, find the essence of which that makes us strong. The door is one person wide, only you can decide what you want to do with that loneliness. 

Loneliness is not about losing people, but about failing to find meaning in the loss, or the un-foundness. It is a sickly sensation, one in which we don't care to consider because we're so caught up with our own melodrama. Perhaps, we are looking in the wrong places, in the wrong time, with the wrong people. I have begun to embrace loneliness as a friend and a motivator. It is perhaps up to the flavour of my loneliness, that will result in different blends of motivation. Some of us seek sex, others company, some more bury their heads in work. They start to define our self-worth. What should be the reprieve? I suppose religious leaders would provide you with a message of some sort. Since I'm not spiritual, nor a leader in these things, my reprieve is a simple one.

Simply, share your story. To anyone... anyone who would listen. You would find that you are not lonely alone. Loneliness finds friends, and as friends you would find that person who also share your narrative. Perhaps the key to loneliness is to be open, and when we are open, there will be someone waiting for us on the other side =)